UnNews:Manafort to join pals and biz partners
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8 March 2019
ALEXANDRIA, Virginia USA -– Paul Manafort, United States President Donald Trump's former campaign chairman, was sentenced to 47 months in prison for bank fraud and cheating on his taxes, hiding over $55 million in offshore accounts. He will also pay a fine of $50,000, equivalent to about 4 months of interest on the $4 million he still has. US District Court Judge T.S. Ellis III, criticized for handing down a lenient sentence, responded by saying that it was in line with his sentencing for similar crimes as in the case of Tessicar Jumpp, who was sentenced to 6 years. The additional time for her was due to having double letters in both names and being black.
Manafort, wearing his tailored Gucci Alexandria prison greens, sitting in a wheelchair hooked up to a beeping heart monitor and cradling his favorite 5-foot-tall teddy bear named "Ivana" in his lap, worried that he might still be "too pretty" for prison. He is now down to his last $4 million and says he was "heartbroken" when he had to sell his slaves from his estate in an unnamed tax haven. Courtroom observers noted that his shoeshine consultant was not present to keep Manafort's ostrich leather shoes immaculate, leading to speculation that he had also been let go.
The former deal maker and lobbyist for oligarchs will now be remanded to Shawshank-a-Lago, a TrumPrison™. Judge Ellis pointed out that prison is "not nice", noting that valet service was not available on weekends and that the golf course had slick greens and players would also have no electric carts. He continued, "The pool is only heated to 70 degrees and you have to provide your own towel and flipflops. And that prison is filled with hardened criminals like Bernie Madoff, who is reputed to be able to make a cutting remark in an instant. And woe to anyone who doesn't tip the prison superintendent really well at Christmastime." With good behavior, Manafort will be allowed to take Trump University courses online.
Asked if a pardon was in the offing, Trump responded, "What do you think?", while rolling his eyes, pointing to his head and spinning his finger. "The 2020 election isn't that far away and I need a campaign chairman who's got experience." Political pundits agree that Manafort's fundraising efforts would be valuable on the assumption that he would share at least part of the money raised with the campaign and not keep all of it for himself.
Sources[edit]
- Rachel Weiner, Lynh Bui, Justin Jouvenal, Devlin Barrett "Paul Manafort sentenced to about 4 years in prison in Virginia case". Washington Post, 7 March 2019
- Adam Rawnsley "Manafort’s Judge Gave This Jamaican Woman More Time for Similar Crimes". The Beast, 8 March 2019