Palm Beach

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The Town of Palm Beach (called Palm Beach Island or the Island of Palm Beach to differentiate between the poor and rich residents) is an affluent incorporated town in Florida, United States. The Intracoastal Waterway separates it from the neighboring cities of West Palm Beach and Lake Worth. As of 2000, Palm Beach had a year-round population of 10,468, with an estimated seasonal population of 30,000.[I am not kidding] As of 2004, the year-round population recorded by the U.S. Census Bureau is 9,860. This is, of course, after the homeless and illegal immigrants were deported from the county.[I Don't Believe This]


Using that digital readout compass-thingy in your SUV, Palm Beach is located at 76.00004 //22.77. It is the landmass due East of West Palm Beach which was physically separated from the mainland by huge tractors in 1904. Named because it's beach looks precisely like a flowering palm tree after it was burned.


In 1904, huge tractors constructed by the Raw Deal conducted the first Big Dig long before anyone worth anything had even heard of Boston. The tractors, incidentally they were purple, dug a trench called Lake Worth to keep the beachless shores of West Palm Beach from disease-ridden Palm Beach. The state of Florida has long sent its convicts to Palm Beach for banishment and isolation in the island's many asylums.

Most Famous Asylum: Flagler Museum Asylum[edit]

Celine Dion (left) receiving treatment for Comeuppance by private physician

Willie Flagler built one of the most famour asylums for his fourteenth wife, Celine Dion, and the latest version still stands today. Every earlier version was set on fire by Celine Dion. It is rumored Willie Flagler keeps her in the uppermost floor because it has only very small windows and due to Mrs. Dion-Flagler's heft, she cannot climb out to get more matches. Her music recordings are encrypted with banshee-like screams of her desire for more matches. Among the more famous are:

  • Because You Loved Me, you Gave me Matches;
  • Nothing Broken by Burning;
  • Water from the Moon Put Out My Last Fire;
  • I'll Show You My (Real Emotion) with Fire;
  • No Living Without Matches; and
  • Ecoutez-Moi (Excuse me, I need some matches).

Other Asylums[edit]


Home of Diseases[edit]

Unfortunately, most of the press regarding Palm Beach is centered on the disease and wretchedness of the convicts. Known diseases on Palm Beach include:


Comeuppance is a multi-staged disease that begins with projection of one's emotional state on the physical surroundings. Celine Dion is an extreme case of Comeuppance who uses her projection to attempt to burn down the Flager Museum every few years. The first stage of Comeuppance ends with the required destruction of the subject's asylum. The second stage is when a replacement asylum is built as the subject is Reincarnated. The replacement asylum must be larger than its predecessor or the disease has won. The final known stage of Comeuppance is when the convict is put off the island through a proceeding known as Bankruptcy. At this last stage, the subject feels emotionally bashful and then disappears.


Convict with Greed taken through shrubbery, note lack of definition. File photo.

It is an unseen lot that is stricken with Greed, which manifests itself by late night jaunts to the islands only Taco Cabana for fresh tortillas with queso and burritos. Consorting with them is highly contagious. The convicts with (on) Greed on Palm Beach are easily identifiable by the height of their shrubbery. Over six (6) feet in height = Greed. It is widely disseminated they do this so the Paparazzi will not take photographs of them. A contrary view is that they simply lack definition in photographs. This view is not unanimous, but everyone agrees with it.


Subject cannot stop. A terrible case.

Showiness is a compulsive movement disorder that results in an inability to do even the simplest tasks for oneself. Driving must be done by a caretaker called a Limo chauffer who is simply a higher class of person than a Regular chauffer. A maid is employed to do simple home tasks, and a private physician must be consulted regularly regarding "the press."


Famosity is the condition where the average Internet hound says, "Who 'dat?" in relation to a convict. The resulting shame induces the convict stricken with Famosity to throw elaborate parties, attend film festivals and attempt to overcome their lack of self-worth. Time is their enemy as even a temporary victory against Famosity will soon return to failure. See also, Billy Ray Cyrus.