Mugabetheism
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What's that? You don't agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe's official policies? |
“If I wasn't a Christian, I'd be a Mugabetheist!”
“My religion is cooler than yours!!”
“So is mine!!”
“Wish I could say the same...”
Mugabetheism is the official and only accepted religion of Central Asia and, incidentally, of Rhodesia. The faith of the Mugabetheists reside in the belief that Our Great Lord Robert Mugabe is the new Jesus (also known as Black Jesus) coming to Earth to save the faithful ones while riding an old car while singing reggae and rap.
What began as a sect became an official religion with a wide following when old prophecies dating as far back as 1997 were discovered in Our Great Lord's Robert Mugabe's orifice office desk's drawer by some dumb archaeologist who seemingly had nothing better to do on that day. The very old sacred texts were written on a McDonald's napkin with what seemed to be a very ancient pen and clearly stated, without a single doubt, that Our Great Lord Robert Mugabe was the new Messiah. The newly unearthed document was immediately studied by theologists and put on display in Zimbabwe's Natural History Museum, where millions of pagans convert everyday upon its very sight.
The Holy Text[edit]
Written by hand with a blue pen, the Holy text goes as follow:
"Our Great Lord Robert Mugabe owns. He really really do. He is the next Jesus, so you worship him now, you White!"
Mugabetheism subdivisions[edit]
A great schism recently occurred among the believers, who started believing in things not quite different but so different to them that they couldn't help but start killing each other over who is right and who is not. The main three branches of Mugabetheism are the following:
- Traditional Mugabetheism, that states that Our Great Lord Robert Mugabe is the one and only, period
- Post-Emo Mugabetheism, that supports homosexuality and claims that Our Great Lord Robert Mugabe is the new Jesus, but only because Chuck Norrishe is well known to suck peoples cocks too, in his Wisdom, made him so. This cult is stated illegal and herretic by Our Great Lord Robert Mugabe so the believers are being punished by his will(mostly by burning them).
- Hyperinfliationism they worship Hyperinliation and believe that they will become billionaire not in afterlife, but tomorrow. They think that Our Great Lord Robert Mugabe is only a prophet and many of them are burned on stakes for that. Because of that Hyperinflationism is practises (Burning zimbabwean dollars on altars) is done secretly.
There exists a fourth branch, Expanded Mugabetheism, in which our Great Lord Robert Mugabe is actually only the New Jesus' paperboy. The real New Jesus will rise in New Jersey, as is proper. The believers of Expanded Bugabetheism are punished in Zimbabwe by Our Great Lord Robert Mugabe's will.
The cult[edit]
Contrary to suggestion, the cult of the Mugabetheism is very similar to blue oysters', except that there are no oysters (let alone blue ones), nor any music for that matters. In fact, the whole cult revolves around adoring giant Mugabe pictures and sacrificing virgins. Then, all the faithfuls dance naked around a fire in which are thrown picures of Bryan Adams and of Margaret Thatcher.