Monster Energy Drink

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Type Energy Drink
Alcohol by volume MED
Manufacturer Who Cares?
Distributor U.S. Government (A gift from Jesus)
Country of origin America
Introduced The Dawn of Time
Discontinued NEVER
Colour Various
Flavour Crap
Ingredients Sugar, Caffeine, Ginseng, Electrolytes, Nuclear Fuel Rods, Red Bull, Vodka, Ecstasy, Pure Evil, Cat Whiskers, Rat Poison, Tar, Valkyr, and Nicotine.

Operation: Monster Energy Drink is a military operation designed to destroy all of mankind by making them so incredibly hyper that all people who have even a taste of the energy drink will be instantly killed. The direct result of this will be so that America will be completely unable to defend itself because everyone is so completely stoned on Monster.

The plan is to be executed on December 21 2012. This date is unchangeable. The world will end. Everything will be used with Monster.

History of Monster[edit]

Monster Energy was launched in the 1970s by the Soviet Union as a part of the three step plan to destroy the following:

  1. America
  2. Tetris
  3. Monster Energy
  4. Barack Obama
  5. RuneScape
  6. Chuck Norris

After the collapse of the Soviet Union, the plans for the downfall fell into the hands of the U.S. Government, which they then used on themselves. It was originally a military plan to create super soldiers to win over entire battles and wars, codenamed "Monster". However, there was only a 1% success rate of super soldiers; the rest of them became couch potatos who gained 150 pounds and couldn't move from the couch far enough to get the remote on the arm next to them, unless the couch is leather. It has to be leather.

Once they saw the low success rate for the Monster experiment, the military just said "Fuck it", and sold it to a corporation, who then mass-marketed it and sold it to the public.

After that, druggies suddenly realized where they had gone wrong by drinking coffee all these years to keep themselves awake. Why not drink something that kept you awake and got you high? And so illegal drug sales bombed, because the legal hardcore drug was born.

The corporation that created Monster became the richest corporation in the world. Bill Gates is famous for robbing this company at gunpoint repeatedly. Every time Bill Gates robbed this company he left a picture of himself and his big fat chode on their frontdoor, and that is why the police know he robbed them.

Tomorrow it could be YOU!


Recent studies have confirmed that Monster is the number 1 cause of spontaneous sex change in the entire world. A certain ingredient in Monster causes the genitals to genetically mutate. If you drink Monster, you will develop opposite sexual organs within days. Tell everyone. Or don't, if you want to be a complete asshole.

Another minor side effect is that mouth will eventually widen so that an entire 4-pack can be drunk at one time. This is a tremendous advantage for the Monster power drinker. However, buyers are encouraged not to try to enlarge their mouths with shovels or heavy equipment by themselves; this will happen naturally as more and more Monster is consumed.

Flavors and sizes[edit]

  • Original
  • Assault
  • Warpig
  • Spartan
  • Gatorade
  • wetsuit crotch (the yellow can once known as M-80)
  • Dog
  • Bat "shut up" insane
  • Caffeine
  • Monster, (obviously)
The Evil Logo for the dastardly plot to destroy the world.

See Also[edit]