Monkey Conspiracy
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This page is or discusses a loony and/or nutty conspiracy theory of which Uncyclopedia vehemently denies knowledge and existence. The black helicopters are not ^on their way. |
The Great Monkey Conspiracy is the recent attempts by monkeys to take over the world and enslave the human race.
Propaganda[edit]
The Monkeys have been spreading a pseudo-scientific myth, called "Evolution," that the Human race descended from monkeys. They also participate in programs, such as those held at the London Zoo, that further their cause in people's minds.
Economics[edit]
The Monkeys are quietly taking over the various industries of Earth. For example, one by one all of the automotive companies like Suburban are falling to the Monkey Menace.
More Propaganda[edit]
They have also appeared in numerous pornographic films and video games. Donkey Kong, Planet of the Apes and the Wizard of Oz are excellent examples of how the Monkeys have infiltrated both Hollywood and Japan. Many hoped that the Matt Le Blanc vehicle Ed would have similar success however people had trouble picking out which one was the monkey.
"Oh-eee-oh, weee-oh." screamed Ashley Furbush. OH YEAHHHHHHH son.
Space Development[edit]
Monkeys were among the first creatures sent into space, and some rumours have surfaced that some monkey leaders have launched a space station - but the existence of any and all Monkey space development is highly disputed. It is well known that Ashley Furbush developed whips and chains for use as tools of human sex enslavement. ;]
The Monkeytrix[edit]
Some conspiracy theorists believe that actually the life we know is actually a sort of zoo kept by the Monkeys, called the Monkeytrix. All persons wishing to escape the Monkeytrix are said to have to choose between a Red Banana and a Blue Banana.
Weaknesses[edit]
The Monkey Conspiracy is not invincible, however. There are ways to stop it, one of which may be to stop cultivating the banana trees. Another is to trounce all known monkeys and all persons resembling monkeys repeatedly. You are also able to kill monkeys by either splashing monkey blood or monkey semen on their fur to make the monkey implode, then explode, then implode once more.
Resistance Movements[edit]
Anti-Monkey resistance movements have sprung up. They are known for their unique system of identification. Whenever one Resistance member meets another, he or she shouts, "You're a monkey!" Unless the other immediately responds with a high-pitched screech of "Not a monkey!!!" they know that the other has been compromised and cannot be trusted. These groups are very seclusive however, and it's difficult to find the truth about one.
Ron Perlman[edit]
According to researchers and members of the intelligence community many monkeys have developed an unnatural affinity for Ron Perlman. Researchers from the United States, Great Britain and Azerbaijan have conducted independent experiments in which monkeys are provided a choice between pushing a button that stimulates the pleasure center of their brains, or pushing a button that shows clips of Ron Perlman. In each experiment, researchers reported that almost without fail monkeys continued to push the Ron Perlman button repeatedly, often until they began to starve to death. Similar experiments with actors and images other than Ron Perlman failed to achieve the same results.
Some experts on the phenomena suspect it has something to do with the strong resemblance between Ron Perlman and a monkey. A minority of experts have become convinced that Ron Perlman is the monkey messiah. Rumors that monkeys in southeast Asia have begun work on a 350 foot tall monument of Ron Perlman have not yet been confirmed.