Mitch Daniels
“My Man Mitch, you're doin' a heckuva job.”
“He's my man, you queer!”
“He's my man-bitch.”
“YOU'RE WRONG! I'm right.”
Mitch Daniels is a magical little elf who once served as a member of the Bush Administration. Created from the imagination of President George Dubya Bush to run the Washington Office of Deficit Enlargement, Daniels was warmly given the nickname "The Blade" by the president because of his uncanny resemblance to Wesley Snipes. After his tenure as Governor, "The Blade" plans to start his own gardening business teaching people how they too can only have to weed their gardens once every sixteen years.
"My Man Mitch"[edit]
In 2003, Mitch "The Blade" Daniels left Washington D.C. to return to his home state of Indiana, where he felt he was most needed. President Bush begged Daniels not to leave, but Mitch knew that he had no choice, as his state was suffering under the tyrannical leadership of the troll, Joe Kernan. Kernan had become Governor of Indiana after he slayed the state's beloved former Governor Frank O'Bannon in a motel room. Kernan is then said to have then eaten the former governor. Before leaving Washington, Dubya dubbed Daniels "My Man Mitch," a nickname which had the magical power to persuade Hoosiers to vote for him. Daniels easily defeated Kernan in the 2004 gubernatiorial race, charming the public with his elf-like charisma. The evil troll Kernan was dumped into the violent prison of South Bend, from which he has yet to escape.
Governorship[edit]
As governor, Mitch "The Blade/My Man Mitch" Daniels has accomplished many things, but the most fantastic of his accomplishments is the time-zone change. Indiana had for many years not recognized Daylight Savings Time. Hoosiers are a very superstitious people, and turning back the hands on clocks is against the Hoosier religion. Many a governor had tried to reverse this policy, but Mitch "The Magical Elf" Daniels was the only one with the power to do so. Throwing his magical elf (not fairy) dust all over the state legislature, Daniels was able to get 15% of the Republicans to vote for his proposition, which in Indiana, constitutes a majority in both houses.
It is widely acknowleded that Daniels is the greatest of all governors. He is, for example, at once stronger than Arnold Schwarzenegger and weaker than Kathleen Blanco. He's at once fatter than Haley Barbour and more physically fit than Mike Huckabee. He is both smarter than Mitt Romney and dumber than Howard Dean. He's more likely to be our next president than any governor named Bush. In short, with his magical elfiness, he can out do any governor at anything.
The Toll Road Debate[edit]
In 2006, Governor Mitch "The Blade/My Man Mitch/The Magical Elf" Daniels lost some of his popularity with Hoosiers when he decided sell the Indiana Toll Road to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran. Democrats in Indiana, who are racists and bigots, vehimently and sometimes violently tried to stop the deal, which would provide the state with nearly $200,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to build new roads. Daniels got the deal through, once again with the help of his magic elf dust, but he lost the support of Hoosiers who were persuaded to follow the Democrats; by some sort of witchcraft, no doubt.
Although the selling of the Toll Road remains unpopular, it is widely regarded by outsiders as the best thing to happen to Indiana since the switch to Daylight Savings Time. Says President Ahmadinejad: "Mitch Daniels is the smartest and cutest little elf I've ever had the pleasure of doing business with. I will use the Toll Road in ways which will greatly behoove the American people whom I love dearly and do not hate unreasonably." Contrary to misguiding Democratic talking points, the number of car bombs to be exploded on the Toll Road is relatively low.
Common Words that Rhyme with "Mitch"[edit]
- Hitch
- Nitch
- Ditch
- Rich
- Mitch, Mitch, Bo Bitch
- Arm Pits
- Snitch