Mills Lane

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Ultimate Judge Mills Lane (bottom), with his owl Hootie

About Ultimate Judge Mills Lane[edit]

The Ultimate Judge Mills Lane was born in a toaster oven in 1982. This is where they baked him a heart out of cookie dough. After his mother lost his pram at the supermarket he was raised by elves and fairies.

This was a wonderful time for young Ultimate Judge Mills. He fought pirates and Native Americans and hooted and hollered at the crick with Tom, Huck, and Nigger Jim.

When he turned 18, Ultimate Judge Mills joined the Marines in the hope of killing his nation's great enemy, Freddy Krueger. This hardly happened at all.

After his honorable discharge, Ultimate Judge Mills drifted from job to job, ultimately wandering into Prison where he was given his trademark teardrop-shaped tattoo. Then he left Prison, as he had only come in to use the restroom, and did something else for a while. Maybe he liberated Cuba or learned Kung Fu from ancient Chinese mystics or whatever, I don't know. Something wacky.

After winning a law degree in a game of craps, Ultimate Judge Mills took the logical career path and became a boxing referee. He is most famous for publicly sodomizing Mike Tyson for no reason whatsoever. "Let's get it on," said Ultimate Judge Mills, and Tyson had no choice but to comply. "OMG!!" said Tyson. "WTF!?!"

About the Ultimate Judge Mills Lane Show[edit]

The Ultimate Judge Judge Mills Lane Show ran for three seasons on the Wal Mart Network. It featured Ultimate Judge Mills saying "Let's get in on" a lot and biting people-ears. Sometimes there was sodomy, but not nearly often enough. If there had been more sodomy, experts agree, it probably would have lasted at least four seasons. There was, however, claymation.

There are some who claim that Ultimate Judge Mills is too strict, utilizing torture and genital torture more often than strictly necessary. However, some of his decisions do not utilize torture at all. Let us remember the good times.

Contact the Ultimate Judge Mills Lane Show[edit]

Ultimate Judge Mills' show can be contacted by whistling through a magical flute and reciting the mystic phrase "Ultimate Judge! Let our powers combine!" A talking frog will then appear and be swallowed by a radioactive dove. The dove will subsequently die and be devoured by Mongeloid flies. The flies will lay eggs in the remnants of the dove's radioactive corpse, which will be made into quiche by tiny, tiny French people. The French people will conquer a tiny, tiny version of Belgium, and will shortly thereafter win the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes (normal size), or may have already at least. Their winning check will be presented by Ultimate Judge Mills Lane, who will intone the answering cry to the aforementioned mystic phrase, "Let's get it on!" Then he will explain that his show has been cancelled, so there was really no point in trying to contact it.

Ultimate Judge Mills Lane's Book[edit]

Ultimate Judge Mills Lane has written the Ultimate Book, Let's Get it On With Ultimate Judge Mills Lane. It is over seven pages long, but under ten. It is not magical, nor is it mystic. It does not talk.

Ultimate Judge Mills Lane Links[edit]