User:Scofield/Milla Jovovich

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Don't be fooled by that divine smile. She could break your bones in an instant.

“She can kick ass better than me!”

~ Chuck Norris on Milla Jovovich

“If Chuck Norris said that, it must be true!”

~ God on the above quote

“You know, cannabis is good for kicks too.”

~ Milla Jovovich on narcotics

Milla Jovoich (pronounced mee-luh-yo-yo-witch) is one of the most kick-ass women in existence. Despite having a mysteriously commie Russian sounding name, which made her the butt of several insults and jokes during the Cold War, it has now been proven that she did indeed legally change her citizenship once her family settled down in California, U.S.A. Not that we care anymore, though. A Russian accent would only amp up the ...enjoyment we get at the sight of her beating the crap out of hundreds of men.

Early Life

You could argue that Milla Jovovich was born to be a badass bitch. Indeed, she was born into the land of badasses, to a very badass lineage. Her grandfather was a military commander in Kosovo. He later became a finance investigator, you know that kind of guy who's supposed to look into cases of fraud. In the course of his illustrious career, he uncovered a massive gold embezzlement scam. However, like a true badass, he refused to cooperate with the authorities in order to save a friend who was involved in the scam. His refusal to testify may have landed him in prison, and may have caused him to flee to Albania, but his badass deeds would be repeated by his offspring in the years to come.

In 1981, when Milla was just five years old, her family moved out of Soviet Russia due to political reasons. They then shifted to London, then to Sacremento, and finally, to L.A, where they provided house-cleaning services for people like Brian De Palma (Yeech!). However, they divorced soon after.

The experience of being forced out of one's home, moving from place to place, and having poor parents who do menial jobs is the kind of stuff most gangstas rap about. They credit such a turbulent childhood as the reason for their gangbangin' demeanor. Toss in a divorce, and an Argentinian half-brother, and it really comes as no surprise that Milla Jovovich became such a kick-ass woman.

Soon enough, the fruits of her tumultuous childhood began to bear fruit. In her early teens, she went totally nuts, indulging in drug-abuse, shopping mall vandalism, and credit-card fraud. This also happened to be the time she was doing modeling auditions. With modeling would come fame, and with fame would come movies. And with her movies, she would soon be crowned the queen of kick-ass.

Modeling & Film Career

Before she brought her kick-ass charm to this big screen, Milla was a model. The good news is, she was still a teenager when she became a model. That means, she was a controversial type of model. Obviously, conservatives and overzealous child-rights activists would faint at the very mention of anybody under 21 having a modeling career, but that didn't stop her from racking up a good $10.5 million during the course of her career. Gracing the covers of more than a hundred magazines, including the likes of Vogue and Cosmopolitan, and receiving titles like "Gianni Versace's favorite supermodel" and "Muicca Prada's muse (the devil wears it!) was the most effective way to give the finger to those overprotective losers who still insist that "girls should focus on education and homemaking rather that the glamor of the entertainment industry."

The true rise of her kick-ass legacy, however, began with her film career. Her mother had raised her to be a movie star, going as far as enrolling her in a Professional Acting School when she was just 10 years old. She subsequently made her film debut with Night Train To Kathmandu in 1988. Alright, alright, it was a TV film, but in 1991, she got a lead role in Return to The Blue Lagoon, the 1991 sequel to...well...The Blue Lagoon. And what was The Blue Lagoon all about? A couple of children stranded on a tropical island? Yes! A couple of children stranded on a tropical island who hit puberty during their time there? Yes! A couple of children stranded on a tropical island who hit puberty and then fall in love with each other? Yes! A couple of children stranded on a tropical island who hit puberty, then fall in love with each other, but also happen to be cousins? Hell yes!