The Magic Hobo

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The magic hobo is coming to your neighborhood soon!

The Magic Hobo has been seen many times, sporting many different faces. The most common report is that of a scraggly, old, bald man with a Hulk Hogan mustache, a dingy brownish-grey overcoat, some pants made out of rubber, a green poofball hat and a large green blanket, which has been rumored to contain Smallpox, Anthrax, and SARS. He carries a birdie made of pure energy filled with cans of beans and whip cream.

Early Years[edit]

As early as historians can trace, the magic hobo has been a potent child fuck-in-the-asser in our tangent universe. When God said "Let there be Light" the magic hobo was picking his pocket and started a club for circle jerks on the side. He told God that Lucifer took it, thus resulting in his banishment to a sexless hell.

God created Earth, and the Magic Hobo decided to see if he could find a nice cardboard box to sleep in for the night. Instead, he found these two hippies, named Adam and Eve running around naked. The magic hobo was scarred by this sight, and fell into a deep coma, only to be awakened in the year 2007 A.D.

Later Years[edit]

The magic hobo's large amount of time asleep caused him to develop split personalities. During the day, he is Tom Hanks, but at night he reverts to his magical and somewhat odd personality. He performs at children's parties, your local high-school football games, your local highschool football fields, and in your local highschool football locker room. He has a wide variety of tricks, including resurrecting the dead, curing world hunger, and turning sand into pure Nicaraguan cocaine. He rarely ever performs any of the mentioned tricks, though, mainly for the reason that he is usually too tired or too stoned. His favorite tricks that he actually uses are: making credit cards disappear, making large bills disappear, making car keys disappear, and making small babies vanish. It is rumored that the Magic Hobo uses these children to do chores around his magical palace underneath the earth, which he could easily do himself, but he's lazy.


These days, you can find the magic hobo at the erotic section at Border's, the cosmetics isle at Wal Mart, or any of the various North Texas high school football games. He is also occasionally seen at bus stops, lecturing our urban youth upon the dangers of crack. On the other hand, he is also seen near large banks smoking large amounts of weed. If you're lucky, you can find him in the crowd at a performance of one of America's classical plays- F3HL1|\|35, known more commonly to the non-h4xx0r population as "Cats." He has mastered the skills of pickpocketing and ninja-fighting. Approach with extreme caution and a bottle of malt whiskey. The Magic Hobo has also been known to get drunk on fermented V-8.

Special Appearances[edit]

The Magic Hobo has shown up at intervals all over time, most notably after his awakening in the year 1337. He joined the side of Oscar Wilde and David Bowie to combat the forces of Dark Jesus, George Bush and the six-armed Hindu goddess of the toke, Shiva. It was an epic battle of which many poems were composed, but none actually written down. This battle lasted for five days and twenty-two and a half nights, and a good portion of the world was destroyed, mainly because of George's use of WMDs. After this point, they agreed to a ceasefire and the Magic Hobo resumed his normal activities of predicting the apocalypse in crowded subway stations, blabbering to himself every time someone else came within earshot, and curing the herpes of underprivileged hookers in exchange for some poon.

You can also see The Magic Hobo on the movie 'Cast Away.' He assumed the form of a volleyball for his role.

See also:[edit]