Let Someone Else Do It
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Let Someone Else Do It ™ is every intelligent person's philosophy of life. There are plenty of things that if we stop doing them for a long enough time, some other sucker with less patience and a greater sense of responsibility will do them instead. This is an established law of our social reality, and it is our obligation to uphold it.
Let Someone Else Do It in different situations
At home
There are many chores that just lie in ambush, crouching like hyenas, ready to pounce and ruin your day. Let someone else do them! The ability to miserably slink away from these tedious tasks is a complex art, but very rewarding. Here are some examples:
- Taking out the trash: No scientist has ever determined the exact moment at which we can say that a trash bag is completely full. As long as the bag is still holding things, it's not necessary to change the bag. The physical laws of pressure work in your favor. Recall that pressure makes diamonds, but it also makes garbage more compact.
- Recycling This point goes with the one above. Why should we force ourselves to uselessly separate our smelly waste, when we know for certain (with science!) that the garbage man is just going to take it all and throw it together in his truck? Furthermore, household recycling only amounts to a small fraction of the industrial recycling of fabrics and other materials.[I am not kidding] Let them do it!
- Grocery shopping Forget what everyone else tells you. There's no necessity to go out and buy food. He who resists, wins. You are sure enough that you could survive for a few more days scraping with a spoon what's left of the tins of food that are stockpiled in the refrigerator. In extreme cases, you can make a visit to the trash can, conveniently overflowing (two birds with one stone!). Surely one of your family members is in more need of food than you are. Sooner or later, they will give up and drag themselves drooling to the closest grocery store. And if they decide not to, even better! Your stores of food are even greater than before for the following weeks (depending on the body mass of your poor, departed family member).
- Cleaning Chaos is simply another kind of order. This phrase will allow you to enjoy a lot of free time on your sofa, while your friends sniff around searching for a scrap of food among the mountains of trash, useless artifacts, organic things and unclassifiable materials of all types that decorate your living room. One of them will give in finally and grab a broom. Perhaps it will be to split your head with, but sooner or later, cooler heads will prevail. Passive resistance is a wonderful invention.
At work
The competent completion of professional activities is one of the hallmarks of the modern working man. But let's be honest here: work is overrated. If it were a good thing, they wouldn't pay us to do it.
- Surgeon: It's possible that the palpitating appendix of this little girl is at the point of rupturing, but fortunately for everyone, your shift ends in only four minutes, when you will be relieved by someone fresh and ready to handle this delicate situation with rejuvenated spirits. A moment of rest in the cafeteria bathrooms with your iPod at full volume, and the problem disappears by itself.
- Policeman: Alarms are so noisy. You hear one on your patrol at least two blocks away, but come on, nowadays every good person keeps under their pillow a decent arsenal of melee weapons. And besides, what are the neighboring patrols there for, anyway? Just report the incident over your radio and get back to your box of donuts. It's too bad that you don't have any popcorn so you can enjoy the spectacle.
- Airline Pilot: Everyone in the world knows that in the movies, whenever something happens to the pilot, any old Joe Six-Pack is capable of landing the plane without any problem just from a little concise instruction transmitted from some janitor working in a control tower. So why even bother pushing all these buttons and pulling all those levers? The flight attendant is waiting for you in the crew's cabin. Let someone else do it!
- Hostage negotiator: Artificial Intelligence has gotten exponentially better in these last few years. Any slightly sophisticated algorithm of responses, in the style of those automatic answers that companies have when you call them, can handle better than you might expect the simple task of convincing a suicide bomber entrenched in the local school to change his attitude and turn himself in to the Authorities with tears in his eyes. Really, everyone has a right to go a little crazy once and a while, right?
In everyday life
At any time in our lives, we may find ourselves in a situation where, of one form or another, quick action on our part is necessary or even indispensable. We need to learn to recognize and prevent these moments, so we can run away screaming whenever we see the possibility of encountering one.
- Roadside help: A smoking ruin that could have once been a car burns on the shoulder of the highway, imprinted against a wall in the dead of night, while a few desperate souls try in vain to force the opening mechanism on the rear doors amidst cries of fear and pain. Or was it something else? Traveling at such speed, nobody could be sure. Okay, someone else will come by later who can see better. Besides, as far as I know, I'm not earning any monthly wage to pay attention to how other people drive. That's someone else's job!
- Paying the check: After the delicious meal at the five-star restaurant on the corner, there isn't any hurry to take out your wallet. It's proven: A well-timed visit to the bathroom is the best method to eat free night after night. As you're going, you may encounter the waiter as he's going to pick up the check from your friends at the table. Don't hesitate to tell him that you left them with the money. You are a gentleman! Act offended before your friends that they didn't leave you in charge of paying the bill. Before you go home, don't forget to proclaim, "Next time I'll pay!"
- Defending the innocent: A group of bald gentlemen seem to be having a little exchange of opinions with their Islamic friend. Surely they're just trying to sell those baseball bats, brass knuckles and switchblades. And if it turns out to be some other thing, well, why are we paying our taxes? It's those fat policemen, the ones who are relaxing in the patrol cars eating donuts and drinking coffee, whose job it is to handle this! On top of it all, if they're really so annoyed with him, they must have a good reason, yeah?
Let someone else see also
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This page was originally sporked from Inciclopedia. |
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Featured version: 15 August 2009 |
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