Leopard Seal
The leopard seal (Archaeopteryxonfucious leotillitolataria), also referred to as the sea leopard, is a small, shy and cowardly Antarctic marine mammal. It is closely related to no other creature in the world and the manatee but may share a common ancestor with both the polar bear (which is its best friend and whom is equally misunderstood) and the now-extinct pelagic woodchuck, which was a nasty ocean-dwelling rat-lookin' fuggly thing.
Appearance and Behavior[edit]
The leopard seal, as previously stated, is very small. Compared to an elephant, it is tiny. If it got into a scrap with a small wallaby it would get its ass handed to it in the first eight seconds. If it were a fruit it would be a grape, because compared to a big juicy watermelon a grape is itty-bitty. Next to a blue whale it is so insignificant nobody would even see it. That's how small the leopard seal is. Its front limbs have reverted to flippers and it has no feet, just a stupid, flippery tail like a walrus or a magpie. It is an entirely white animal that sometimes has pale black or tan patches around it's eyes and a pink nose.
It is deaf but can sense vibration in the water and could easily detect two drops of blood dripping from a wounded
flounder in a British aquarium from it's aquatic Antarctic home and track the fish down with ease. It has particularly strong eyesight and can see a delicious, squirming, defenseless baby penguin squeaking pathetically on the ice five miles away - enough time for the seal to flee before it is spotted. It has few predators in the antarctic ocean but it is prey to both the ginormous and bloodthirsty antarctic white-tailed dinosaur-deer and the skua. While it has never officially been recorded alive except for several dozen live individuals brought to an English Laboratory in 1923 and untold millions of carcasses that have washed up on beaches worldwide in recent years, it is believed to exist from a single fractured tooth found inside a deer's stomach in 1820's.
Diet[edit]
While being a member of an otherwise entirely predatory group of mammals (the Paninis, or "Bone-tearing Hell snakes"), the little misunderstood leopard seal is, like the giant panda of Indonesia, an obligate herbivore. Lacking sharp teeth, an ability to swim well, or a decent size, the 700 pound saber-toothed leopard seal swims skillfully and speedily through the antarctic sea, often bumping into penguins and smaller seals as it goes, and grazes on phytoplankton. Lacking a plant-eater's digestive system, however, a diet of algae causes the seal to grow slowly and move lethargically, unable to process hardly any nutrition from plant matter at all. This is why it often hunts killer whales by sliding up against them and chewing right past the nutrient-rich blubber until they reach the nutritious internal organs, which they ignore and instead eat the nutritionally-lacking contents of the whales' colon.
Leopard Seal/Polar Bear/Penguin Feud[edit]
This usually causes only a virulent bacterial infection in the whale as it heals and though the whale may die, it doesn't matter. They're icky. The sometimes-repeated and portrayed statements about gigantic, frothy-mouthed leopard seals as big as trucks violently slaughtering cute little penguins, however, are nothing but horrible lies started by the bitchy, nasty-ass little flightless-seabirds to gain our trust (penguins are actually vicious psychopathic murderers that take pleasure in torturing innocent baby leopard seals to death!). Please, be aware that the horrible portrayal of the meek little leopard seal, and also it's big, generous, and berry-munching cousin in the north, the polar bear, are horrible lies! It is up to those with the knowledge to bring down the penguins. But, regardless, and as previously stated, leopard seals eat algae and whale shit. Not penguins. But they should. Those bastards.
P.S. - The horrible leopard seals and polar bears just gang raped my grandmother and ruthlessly killed all of our colony's children! Oh, we tried to stop them but they just kept killing! Oh, my spleen. (death squeal). - your friends, the penguins.
Edibility[edit]
The leopard seal, while theoretically edible, is, like most humans, almost 92% fat and is extremely grisly. While in some countries, notably Canada, fatty, grisly meat is preferred, most people would take one look at a whole boiled leopard seal cooked in it's own bile and begin to vomit uncontrollably, possibly because when exposed to high temperatures the flesh begins to dissolve and the animal fills with so much gas internally it ruptures violently in a massive bloody, wretchedly-horrible smelling mess.
As Pets[edit]
Believe it or not, there are some people who actually want to keep wild animals like leopard seals as pets. These people are known as retards. According to penguins, leopard seals make terrible pets for many logical reasons.
Since it is illegal for any pet store to own leopard seals, people obviously smuggle them from Antarctica. Having a leopard seal in the house may seem fine for the first few days, but it will soon go horribly wrong. You will soon notice that your "pet" has been eating all the chicken thinking it is penguin meat. As it grows, it will soon realize chicken is not penguin and will then find something that is. You will most likely start seeing penguin body parts splattered around the house. It is possible that the seal took a bus to some zoo, killed its local penguins, and brought their corpses back.
Soon the seal will become so big that it will need more water, so it will intentionally clog the toilet and flood the whole house, using up all the ice in the fridge to recreate its ancestral Antarctic habitat. Even if you can survive intense cold and hold your breath underwater for a long time, the leopard seal will still be unsatisfied with it's captive environment. In desperation it will begin to projectile vomit in enormous quantities, which in the wild would be a very normal and natural thing to do but which in captivity results in the seal slowly losing weight and starving itself away until it dies. You will then have not only a perpetually frozen house filled with water but also a big dead seal and numerous penguin intestines floating in it, which will no doubt be horribly icky.
How you can help the Leopard Seal[edit]
As we all know, global warming is causing terrible problems for polar wildlife. However, it is not affecting polar bears up north (as warmer weather grows more raspberries) but it is putting the little defenseless leopard seals at risk. As waters warm, pathetic little fish who cannot handle slight temperature variation die (Ehh! Too Warm!). With fewer fish to eat, the horrid, virulent strain of creatures known as penguins begins to kill off the weaker, less aggressive leopard seals. Soon, no leopard seals will exist south of Australia. What can you do to help? Kill penguins. Sure, they're violent, but you are far more capable mentally and physically than a flightless black and white sausage! If you go to the zoo, bring a harpoon gun and pop off as many of them as you can without being caught. Planning a trip to Antarctica? Go during breeding season and bring running shoes and a chainsaw. Unable to travel? Go to a toy store and cut the heads off of all stuffed animals that resemble penguins. It is up to us to end the reign of the penguin, and the leopard seals are counting on us. Do not let them down.