Lenny Washington
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| Some facts about his Excellency. | |||
| Height | 5 feet 10 inches, or the height of three boxes English tea. | ||
| Weight | At least 180 pounds, sometimes around 350. | ||
| Ethnicity | American | ||
| Wig-maker | Banana Monarchy | ||
| Shoe Size | Whatever he can get. | ||
| Birth/Death | Oct. 23th, 1735 Unknown (!) | ||
| Somewhat resembles | His brother or a walrus. | ||
| Favorite Kama Sutra Position | The charge! | ||
| Language | English or German | ||
| Age | At least 70. Probably much more. | ||
| Magnum Opus | Stairway to Heaven | ||
“He was my friend, colleague, and end table. My how that man could wear a lamp and a good book.”
“My God - Is this a man? I shall never be able to look my husband in the face again. I shall commit suicide." (Here she faints and falls off the balcony, End Act III)”
“I want to, at the same time, hug my brother, and throw him to the wolves. The nasty ones. Not the pleasant ones. Never the pleasant ones. ”
“AGAGAHHAGGJANAKH!!!!”
Early Life[edit]
Little is known about Leonard Francis Bacon "Half-Titted-Boob" Washington. What information that exists is in official documents, newspaper stories, and entries in George Washington's journals, most of which are under his bed and the key is in the dresser but don't tell him I told you.
Lenny Washington was born on October 23th 1735, the older brother of George and younger brother of Isaiah. Although we know little about the adult life of Lenny Washington, we know even less about his childhood, and nothing of his afterlife. Most of it has been lost in the sands of time. Probably on purpose by the confounded Sandman. One newspaper article exists from the London Sun from May of 1750. It's a short article, and reads as follows:
"Leonard Washington of Spring St. last Thursday night, forcibly entered a Beanery after hours and consumed the shoppe's entire contents. Washington was discovered the next morning nursing a small bird back to health, possibly a sparrow. He was captured and now is charged with breaking, entering, and humanitarianism, which could result in hanging and the medal of honor."
After this incedent, Lenny was confined to his room, until the Washingtons made the trek to the new land of England, Jr. (Later renamed America, then the Union, then the United States, then Bobby's World). However, the Washingtons didn't leave England right away. It was nine years. Lenny was confined to his room for nine years. He was to become the insperation for Boo Radley, the famous Nazi Sargent from "Charlottes Web" for nine years. During this time, George would slip food under his door in the guise of ghosts for nine years. Lenny would be scared many times, but sometimes, he would eat for nine years. This went on for nine years, and finally the Washington's were headed for the New World. But why? No one really knows. The only clue as to why the Washington's left London was a cryptic message found on their front door right after they'd gone:
All work and no presidency make Lenny something something.
Scholars puzzle over it's exact meaning to this day.
The Trip to America[edit]
The Washington's were in a hurry to get to America, this much is certain. So much in fact, that the old fashioned method of "boat" wasn't enought for them. They raided the Louvre and stole one of Leonardo DiCaprio's notebooks and invented a flying machine. This is what it looked like. Upon crossing they named their craft the Hindenberg and gracefully landed in New Jersey. Lenny was constantly nagging George during the crossing as George would stand prone, one leg up, looking into the distance as though forlorn. Even when Lenny peed in the craft, George did not move, although Martha did. After arriving the Washingtons looked at all the cities and decided to live in Washington. But Dick Cheney got there first and added his initials, confusing the world for eternity. Some say it really means the District of Columbia, but what the fuck is that? Columbia is in South America dumbass. Take a geography test. The Washingtons took over the Black House, a brothel of African Slaves, and threw cocaine at the walls until they were white. While providing the wonderfully aesthetic color, this would be a detriment to all future inhabitants of the building, especially the presidents. One can note this by how Thomas Jefferson would want to play polo on Thursdays and ended up creating the Washington Monument.
Lenny Lenny Lenny Lenny[edit]
While George was fighting the redcoats, Lenny found a love for MMORPGs, and began playing World of Warcraft at an enviable rate. George noted Lenny's superior tactics and used them against the British, specifically the Ogre rush with Sorcerers. This would win the battle of Gettysburg, eliminating the McDonald's stand that had been feeding everyone there. McDonald's responded by building their logo in St. Louis, but the project only got halfway. Lenny beat WoW, impossibly, and then learned how to knit, bowl, eat soup, take a shit, kiss babies, shake hands, and fuse cats and dogs into a creature he would call a llama. Llama's would then become the symbol for America, known all over the world, a symbol of peace, liberty, justice, freedom, hope, love, compassion, rights, civilities, decency, children, bunnies, rainbows, cinnamon buns, baby chicks, anything pink, lollipops, and God. Unfortunately Lenny forgot to tell anyone. Except me, ha ha ha.
The Wonder Years[edit]
A TV Show with Fred Savage, and the guy who later went on to play a villain with the ability to manipulate fire in an episode of Smallville.
The Not So Much So Wonder Years[edit]
George left the presidency, Lenny had butchered and eaten his llamas (by now the llama symbolized dinner), and they made the trek to a place named Mount Vernon. Hoping to start making potent vodka, the Washingtons settled for a more peaceful life of gladiatorial games. Lenny's story on this subject was made into the movie Gladiator, although Lenny was never a gladiator. While George went fjording rivers on small boats, Lenny would wander around the countryside, looking for lost children to save. One rainy day he was cooped up inside, and to pass the time entered a large mysterious warddrobe full of big fur coats and mothballs. But then! Suddenly, when he thought he should reach the back of the warddrobe, he found that instead of plain wood paneling, the end of the warddrobe, the backing, the last of the coats, or anything resembling the end of anything, there was other stuff. Trees, snow, a lamp, and Bambi the faun. Lenny had found the land of Gnarnia! Suffice it to say, Bambi's mother was shot, and Lenny nursed the poor prince of the forest back to mental health. Lenny returned home, told his brother what had happened, and was soundly slapped across the face. He then was forced to sit in the corner for the rest of the day.
The next day Lenny had forgotten all about the magical world, and instead decided to try on Martha Washington's clothes.
The next day Lenny went out to fetch some wood, but decided instead to do some good. Over the hill and across the dale, he trekked and trotted and fetched a pail. He went to the well, and gathered some water, but instead of cold, it was just getting hotter! He yelped and screamed and tore at his clothes, when all of a sudden, there was a pack of wolves. The wolves stole his water! They drunk it all quick. But Lenny was sore, he'd show them a trick! He gathered his wits, and sat on a stump, but his only idea was Martha to hump. He knew this was wrong, he knew this was bad, but try as he would, it just made him mad. His brother, that fiend, he took all the girls. Poor Lenny was left with nothing but pearls. He'd shine them all day, and give them a luster, when out popped a Leprechaun, and said "Howdy, buster!" Lenny screamed in delight, for he was ever so famished. He gobbled it up quick, and to rest he then languished. He burped his delight, and wriggled his toes, but good God's almighty! There were some hoes! Finally, he said, I'll get me some poontang! And off he jolly went, to satisfy his wang. But, damn, God Damn, if they weren't a mirage, so Lenny trudged back to his brother's garage. George, that son of a bitch, was reading a book. That fucker, thought Lenny, I kill 'em with a hook! So off to the shed Lenny walked off, and as he went he would scoff scoff scoff! Scoffing at this, and that, and that! Lenny was sore, and he would eat his own hat. Later that day, as the sun set so low, Lenny could be found, doing something for show. He'd found those hoes, he found them for good, and naked he was, and naked he should. The girls they all giggled, for he was so fat, but their eyes would then linger, upon that which they sat. His knee, you fool, cause it bobbed up and down, and the ladies would play until their mother's would frown. All naked and free, they all romped around, but poor Lenny would find, he'd been grinding the ground! They had been mirages, or fairies or witches, so off he went home, to kill those sons of bitches. On his way home, he rounded a bend, and sorry for you, this is the end!
Nazi Scandal[edit]
Amid the height his brother's presidency, scandal wreaked havoc on the Washingtons after this photo was leaked to Newsweek of Lenny Washington at a Nazi sympathizer rally. George slammed the journalists at Newsweek, condemning them for printing lisencious material, even saying that the man in the picture was "definitely not my brother" while rolling his eyes. While George's ratings declined, especially among hunter-trappers in Kentucky, they would quickly rebound when the vice president reminded everyone who was king. Lenny Washington, to this day at least, has never been seen at another rally.
“I really don't see what all the fuss is about, I mean, we came here to avoid persecution, right? And here, if I was being persecuted as though I were a Nazi, or were a Nazi sympathizer, or thought the Nazis were not such bad people, but the fact remains I had nothing to do with that rally and that is not me. And even if it were me, what about the first amendment we all just ratified and my brother signed into law? Huh, what about that? Think of the blacks, please.”