Kesha
“I can make better mu$ic with can$ and my ar$e!!”
“$he look$ like if I touched her, $he'd be $ticky!”
“At lea$t I'm better than Gaga”
“I $ing dance-pop and electropop mu$ic which i$ the mo$t introduced al$o to Lady Gaga, $o I'm touching a $imilarity to her, oh no...”
Ke$ha, aka "Ka$hew" and "Ketchup" or, to give him hi$ correct name, Michelle $tarborgling Jr i$ an incredibly talented mu$ical tran$ve$tite, with a pa$$ion for clapped out old rock$tar$ e.g. Mick Jagger. A$ an "arti$t" ($)he ha$ $old a few album$ world wide and i$ famou$. ($)he is known to drink copiou$ amount$ of her mouthwa$h of choice, Jack Daniel'$ and $pend$ most of her day$ dedicating $ong$ to her 'haterr$$$'. Who the hater$ are exactly, remain$ to be $een. ($ee al$o $chizophrenia).
Early Life[edit]
At birth, Michael wa$ diagno$ed with a $trange mental di$order in which he frequently wake$ up feeling like a number of rapper$, $uch a$ P. Diddy. Michael wa$ rai$ed on a farm in Texa$, he wa$ the $on of a bapi$t preacher and a cow. Thi$ $trange breeding created a child that not only had the ability to in$pire congregation$ by waving hi$ arm$ about like a lunatic, but al$o could lactate an extraordinary amount of milk. Thi$ meant that for $everal year$ hi$ father rented him out to local dairy companie$. Thi$, pre$umably, $carred Michael for life, which i$ why $he/he i$ $uch a committed little hellrai$er. Ke$ha i$ known for trying really hard to make $ure everybody know$ ju$t how goddamn crazy $he i$. The Ke$ha'$ 'act' wa$ invented after Michael $aw any guy in the world doing the drunken act$ of $tupidity any guy in the world doe$ while drunk. Unfortunately due to $ucking he failed to notice that drunken act$ of randomne$$ are inherantly random and generally funny.
Her name i$ prounced "Ke dollar $ign ha." $he i$ a card carrying member of the $.$.$.$., (the $tupid $lutty $inger $ociety), which i$ headed by Fergie and Nicki Minaj.
Album$[edit]
Ke$ha ha$ relea$ed one pathetic excu$e for an album, 'Animal'$ I've Banged'. $he ha$ confirmed that mo$t of the lyric$ from her album have been remini$cent of her younger year$ in which $he worked a$ a pro$titute. Her next album wa$ called 'Cannibal'$ I've Banged' (which ha$ a completely different name than the fir$t). $he/he write$ about loving your$elf if you are gay in one $ong, but in the other, $he $ay$ that her boyfriend ha$ a vagina becau$e $he love$ contradiction$. Ke$ha ha$ al$o announced the title of her upcoming album 'What I Find in My Pant$.' Thi$ album i$ $uppo$ed to tell the $tory of her relation$hip with her parent$. Ke$ha ha$ not yet confirmed a relea$e date.
Lyric$[edit]
Ke$ha'$ lyric$ are writen about Bobo Rae. Ke$ha wa$ alway$ there for thi$ girl until the girl became, a$ the famou$ $ong $tate$, a back$tabber to Ke$ha and her be$t friend. $ometime$ people ju$t can't under$tand normal thinking and decide to abandon tho$e who have never done any wrong. Bobo Rae i$ $till reported a$ a lying back$tabber today.
One $tandout a$pect of Ke$ha'$ mu$ic i$ her fabulou$ and witty lyric$. $he once claimed to be wittier than O$car Wilde him$elf. $he promptly retracted thi$ $tatement becau$e $he $oon realized $he could not have been more wrong. $ome of Ke$ha'$ be$t lyric$ include cla$$ic$ like:
- Don't $top- naked pub, DJ blow my peeker$ up, Tonight- I'm on tight, 'Til we $ee the $odom light, Tick tock- on the cock, But the party done $top, no... oh oh oohh oh, oh oh oohh (moan)....
- Now the boy$ are lining up 'cau$e they hear we've got $wagger.
- I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk/ Boy$ tryin' to touch my junk, junk
- Blah, blah, blah/ $top talking/ $top talk, talk talking that
- I'm fre$her than that Gucci/ Them boy$, they want my coochie
- Your back door crack / We don't need a key/ We get in for free
The fourth lyric i$ believed to be a general reaction to people meeting Ke$ha. Upon finding out ju$t how darn loopy $he i$ they plead with her de$perately to $top talking. Ke$ha found thi$ incredibly amu$ing and decided to write a really good $ong about ju$t how much people love to conver$e with her.
$tyle[edit]
Ke$ha'$ $tyle i$ $omewhere between rapping and $inging, a vocal $tyle called $apping. $ome draw parallel$ to the rap-yodelling heard in the ghetto area of the Au$trian Alp$. $he $ound$ like a "valley girl" and got her big break in the mu$ic bu$ine$$ by doing the intro to "Baby Got Back" by $ir Mix-a-Lot in 1992. $he u$e$ the rapping part to $how how '$treet' $he i$, it i$ al$o u$ed to $how that $he'$ of a high flying party animal. The $inging part i$ mainly included $o $he doe$n't get pigeon-holed a$ a hip hop arti$t, becau$e if that happened $he would be gunned down fa$ter than you could $ay "bitchy little white chick". The $inging part$ al$o $how how much of a loon Ke$ha i$, and $he really i$ kerrraaazeee!! A$ far a$ the mu$ic i$ concerned $he mainly u$e$ a 'talent emulator' a$ her real talent lie$ in partying hard and being a nutjob. $he al$o like$ to pretend that $he i$ Lady Gaga, and that her $econd rate mu$ic made on a Macbook i$ an acceptable form of "talent." Her outfit$ worn in mu$ic video$/performance$ are thing$ that even a drag queen would cringe at. Her $tandard "look" i$ that of $omeone who $lept on the $treet, rolled around in glitter, ha$n't taken a bath in day$, threw up on her hair, and went dump$ter diving for clothing.
Re$pon$e from Critic$[edit]
Ke$ha i$ ba$ically a lo$er in general. Mo$t critic$ agreed on one thing when it came to Ke$ha, and that i$ that $he'$ fucking terrible. De$pite having Tik Tok reach number one in eleven countrie$, not a $ingle good, productive or gifted idea ha$ ever come from that mu$ically retarded, unoriginal, inane, pointle$$ and plain $tupid whore faced hackneyed tran$ve$tite. But that'$ ju$t what the critic$ $ay and what do they know. Who care$ if they've been ob$erving the mu$ic bu$ine$$ for generation$? What do they know about mu$ic? Certainly not a$ much a$ Ke$ha. Becau$e $he'$ really, really (really) good and talented. Mo$t critic$ agree that Ke$ha'$ unfortunate $ucce$$ came from her 30 $econd$ worth of participation in the $ong Right Round by Flo Rida. It i$ believed that the only rea$on $he ha$ a career i$ that $he blew him to get a record deal. 3OH3! claim$ that the only rea$on they continue making mu$ic with Ke$ha, i$ becau$e $he allow$ them to Eiffel Tower her. In fact, $he'$ been $crewed more than inve$tor$ who were with Bernie Madoff. Currently the United Nation$ i$ drafting a coalition to have Ke$ha killed, and $he ha$ been placed on the FBI terror watch li$t $ince her mu$ic ha$ prompted ma$$ $uicide$ when played in public $etting$.
Prince, The Arti$t Formally known a$ $ymbol, placed a $3,000,000.00 bounty on Ke$ha'$ head if $he ever come$ around hi$ hou$e again. La$t time $he broke in, $he left a demo tape of her mu$ic to him, but in actuality, it wa$ a bomb ready to go off hi$ a$$. Mr No$eybonk wa$ hired to kill Ke$ha, but $he $ang to him, a$ hi$ ear$ bleed to death. Ke$ha $tated if No$eybonk return$, $he will $ing all of her $ong$ twice in a row. Don't return No$eybonk! Don't!!
Pact with $atan[edit]
It i$ rumoured that Ke$ha had to $ell her peni$ to $atan to become the minor pop $en$ation that $he i$ today. The rumour goe$ that, after e$caping her forced milking at the hand$ of her bapti$t father, Michael/Ke$ha prayed to God to help her become rich and famou$. Apparently the big man up$tair$ decided not to an$wer becau$e he know$ a lo$t cau$e when he $ee$ one. Upon $eeing thi$ Satan promptly auditioned Ke$ha (by making her/him $ing her favourite tune, Purple Rain) and made her $ign a contract in her own blood. When the deal had been finalized, The Devil introduced the future 'minor' pop $en$ation to a talented producer and her new be$t friend, the $ynthe$izer. Of cour$e thi$ i$ ju$t a rumour that ha$ never been proven, although apparently if you follow Ke$ha on the night of a full moon, $he $acrifice$ a goat in a pentagram. However, $he could be doing that for any number of rea$on$ that are not nece$$arily related to $atan.
Damn, how i$ $omeone like thi$ dude $ucce$$ful?[edit]
After her pact with Lucifer, Ke$ha $hot to minor/major $tardom and ha$ $oiled everybody'$ ear$ with her filth ever $ince. Tragic. $he i$ currently working on her $econd album that will be titled "$perm Dump$ter"
- Michael i$ the only man/woman to have their debut tra$h $ingle atop the Billboard hot 100 for nine week$.
- Actually the gutter troll ha$ real talent,but $he became a $ell out and never u$e$ any of it.
- Her debut $hitter-album $old 1 million copie$ within 2 month$ of relea$e. I gue$$ there are 1 million retarded people out there.
Reclamation of the $== The U.$. Government ha$ recently announced that $ociety will be reclaiming the $ u$ed in Ke$ha'$ name. They attribute the lagging economy and a cheapening dollar to inve$tor$ running from anything with a "$" thank$ to thi$ no talent a$$ clown. Thi$ law can be found Under Article IIIV part 2.8.a which $tate$ "Dirty dump$ter $lut$ who can only $ing by u$ing auto-tune are barred from u$ing monetary $ymbol$ in their name$, for fear of financial meltdown."
In other word$, Ke$ha i$ a ri¢h bit¢h.
Ke$ha ha$ an equation, quite a $ucce$$ for $uch a drunken bint. Taylor $wift + A Crate of Jack Daniel$ = Ke$ha That'$ $cience. $crew Ein$tien!
Ke$ha today[edit]
The pedicure on Ke$ha'$ toe$ ha$ long $ince worn off, and $he now i$ now a part time member of the Axi$ of Evil Doer$. $he wa$ married to the legendary porn magazine editor Dick Headdi$on, until their divorce a few day$ later. $hortly afterward$, $he wed director Uwe Boll, who i$ al$o a member of the Axi$ of Evil, but an identical fate happened between the two, a$ Boll moved on to Donnie Darko. $he $tate$ $he ha$ the hot$ for Tommy Wi$eau, who plan$ to go on tour with Ke$ha and the KKK in 2011. Ke$ha $tate$ $he will $core on him there.
Recent te$ting have confirmed that Ke$ha'$ breath bear$ a di$tinct re$emblance to the $mell of deer carca$$. The cau$e of thi$ ha$ yet to be determined, but it may $tem from Ke$ha'$ excrement heavy diet.
See also[edit]
- Attention Whores
- People Without Talent
- American musicians
- People who can't sing even with autotune
- Pseudo-rappers
- Articles about a person written in the style of that person
- Hot chicks
- Musicians Who Suck So Monumentally That It Really, Truly Amazes Me That The Earth And Any Surrounding Planets And Quite Possibly A Good Bit Of The Afterlife Have Not Yet Been Swallowed Entirely