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“You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long, cos it really blinkin' hurts.”

~ Oscar Wilde on King Cecil of Kalmykia

General Purpose Nation Of Kalmykia
Flag of Kalmykia Coat of Arms of Venezuela
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: "Pschitt"
National Anthem: The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust
Official language Funk
Capital Cecilinia
Government Soviet Behemoth
King Cecil
National Hero Jaundice
Currency Tractor
Religion Extremely Catholic

The Republic of Kalmykia is a small, rodent-like country at the edge of Europe. Discovered and then almost destroyed by Stalin during a paper-aeroplane festival on Mt.Elbrus in 1938, Kalmykia is home to almost 3 People. That is to say, two people. However, due to its burgeoning population of Gold and Weapons-Grade-Plutonium, it has recently become a world centre of Botany, under its current patron, overlord and prinipal source of grape-flavoured pumping equipment, King Cecil the Reasonable.


Founded in approximately Eigteen-Hundred and bloody freezing, Kalmykia initially opened its enormous Jurassic Park-esque wooden doors to just about anybody - including, unfortunately, some pretty peeved Buddhist monks, who set about the natives with a bloody anvil, hitting and beating, beating and crushing and bleeding and beating and soft, soft skin.


Wedged somewhat underneath Uzbekistan, Kalmykia enjoys a range of fine wine growing regions, as well as a temperate yet moist climate, and is often compared in texture to a piece of high quality linen, smothered with extra virgin olive oil, garnished with kiwi and sprinkled with raspberry flaxbrass. Kalmykia also plays host to some 8000 miles of unfettered, pure, Coast. Sounds like toast.

Notably Murdered Dignitares[edit]

No less and yet many more than 14 former presidents of Kalmykia have been assasinated, primarily, it is thought, by Hugo Chavez.


King Cecil redrafted the nation's constitution in 1982, after buying the country from his friend Phil, who was looking after it for a notorious drugs baron, allowing exactly 5 political parties to exist, all of which must be in opposition to the current government, namely the Holy Spirit, who also tends the National Gardens. These political parties are:

  • The Finger-Lickin' Good Party
  • The Self-Adressed Envelope Party

and many more.


Being rather deficient in its own culture, it was decided by Cecil in 1982 that the country should pursue a ruthlessly ignored policy of having precisely the same culture as Great Britain. However pressure from the Soviet Union during the late eighties meant that the nation was forced to revert to a more basic culture composed solely of ridiculous folk dances and felt hats.

Kalmykia is well known for its varied and extensive colour scheme, and its superb menu and service. Tipping is generally not advisable, and driving is on the left of the central area of the road, depending on weather conditions and the presence of Gordon Lightfoot.

Kalmykia can be expressed as a function of x.