John Conyers

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“I can't think of a single problem that can't be solved through violence.”

~ John Conyers on Legislating

“If there's one thing I have a weakness for, it's white females.”

~ John Conyers on White Females

John Conyers, Jr. (born July 11, 1912 - ) has represented the state of Detroit in the United States House of Representatives since 2002. Prior to his election into congress, Conyers was a Marxist and served as a member of the Black Panthers from 1969 until 1995.

Biographical Information[edit]

Born and raised into a wealthy aristocratic family in Connectthedots, Conyers went to Harvard University on a full-ride scholarship given to him by the university in order to fill their minority quota. Conyers finally dropped out after twelve years on account of poor grades and received no degree for his studies.

Following a short battle with heroin, he began active support for the activities of Malcolm X. After Malcolm X was assassinated in 1964 while being pursued by cops for theft of an elderly woman's purse, Conyers found a new home with the Black Panthers.

Involvement With The Black Panthers[edit]

Conyers' loyalty to the Black Panthers and the respect he'd earned within its community quickly secured him a leadership role within the organization. In 1970 Conyers' name was famously added to Richard Nixon's 'enemy list.' After the list was made public, Conyers published his own 'enemy list', which contained a single word: 'whitey'. Years afterwards, he added several more words to this list, 'The United States Of America.'

Although Conyers couldn't read, he studied the works of Karl Marx through audio tapes meant for the blind. Conyers joined the Communist Party shortly thereafter. He advocated a controversial policy of violent revolution for achieving his goal of social equality. He also spoke idealistically for a government that could see and hear every movement made by its citizens. A poster of Josef Stalin hangs in his office to this day.

As a leader of the Black Panthers, Conyers committed several crimes of which he was later acquitted due to inproprieties taken by the FBI in their investigation of him. It seems that federal wire-tapping laws were too stringent to allow the FBI to bring most potential murderers, including dangerous Conyers, to justice. The crimes brought to court included conspiracy against the government, as well as treason, for funding Islamic and Russian terrorist groups throughout the 70's and for providing shelter, transportation and bomb-making instructions to these individuals.

House of Representatives[edit]

Conyers' election into the United States House of Representatives has been heatedly contested and the validity of the election results questioned. His former charges of treason and conspiracy against the United States notwithstanding, the polls yielded a 100% vote for Conyers despite exit polls showing a mere 2% actually voted for Conyers. Additionally, there were 12,539 more votes cast for Conyers than the population of his district. Not wishing to incite controversy, or, in fact, to do any work whatsoever above and beyond what was stated in their job descriptions, the Federal Election Commission declined to investigate the abnormality and the seat in the House was granted to Conyers. Conyers' brother, Jim, founder, CEO and President of Conyers Electronic Voting Systems, provided the voting machines to the district. He responded to the Washington Post when asked about the irregularities, "Sure you're going to have problems here and there. They're computers. Computers aren't exact. But I've personally gone over the results and they look good to me."

Conyers' campaign promise, "to make some big noise and shake things up," eventually proved true. In 2005, after his release from the Michigan State Mental Health Clinic, where he was being treated for paranoia and delusional episodes, he published Where Iowa Went Wrong and Constitution in Crisis where he collected reams of unintelligable and self-contradictory misinformation to be presented as evidence that the Bush Administration stole the 2004 election and provided faulty intelligence to the public to justify the invasion of the Republic of Iranistan. The arguments presented therein, where they are remotely intelligable, seem not only to imply the existence of alien life, but allege that the Bush Administration tainted the drinking supply with "love potion." So far, no investigation has been made to validate these claims.

See also[edit]