Involuntary celibacy

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This "incel" patient proves that the afflicted can go on to live productive, though not happy, lives.

Involuntary celibacy (ugliusgenitaliaintactusitis), also known as "Incel", is a communicable disease epidemic among unfortunate-looking individuals and those too pathetic to get laid. It hasn't been officially accepted by the medical community, which would never again be so crass as to label a sexual identification as a mental illness, at least not since psychology's scientific infancy in the dark ages of the 1970s. However, that hasn't stopped aspiring self-help-book authors and Spanish-fly pharmacists from getting a piece of the pie from a debilitating disease that sounds as pitiable as it is profitable, and makes you seem like you've been diagnosed with a form of suffering actually worthy of a prescription, like depression, instead of just being scared of girls. Despite its status as "unofficial", it afflicts more than 60 million Americans, according to a national poll conducted by the Institute of Pick-up Artists, made possible by a grant from the He-man Woman Haters' Club. The disease is easily diagnosed by puberty but utterly incurable and very difficult to treat.


Most symptoms relate to physical appearance, such as being obese, old, or ugly. Even minor physical flaws, such as having crooked eyes or a third nipple, can produce an outbreak. Particular interests may also be a blatant symptom of involuntary celibacy. These include being a Star Trek geek or Wikipedia editor.

Throughout the 2000's the origins of incel syndrome remained unknown, but it is now known to be spread through contact with infected individuals.


Again, incel is incurable. Sufferers are more than likely stuck with the disease for the rest of their miserable lives. A sad existence indeed, many incel sufferers live in their mom's basement, reclusive from society while excessively masturbating to young women they are cybering with (who are actually 50-year-old males posing as women). Because of their reclusive lifestyles in the remote concrete jungles of the first world, many sufferers go untreated until it's too late.

However, if one is diagnosed, several options are available. One experimental treatment is a sort of "astral-projection", where the person pretends to not be himself. Dr. Lowe, a specialist in incel, explained that, "by changing their perspective about themselves (i.e., not being themselves), we find that they increase their chances of getting laid dramatically." However, Woody Allen's mockumentary Zelig convinced many physicians that having patients pretend to be someone else can have very bad consequences.

Medications are still in the developmental stages. One promising pill which is currently being designed is expected to morph those with cold shoulders into being all touchy-feely. However, human testing has been halted, as test subjects are unsurprisingly scarce.

See also