Intelligent Design by Committee

The original inter-departmental committee with broad terms of reference contemplating the long term effects of their creation without rushing into ill-conceived actions that may well have unforeseen repercussions.

Intelligent Design by Committee (IDC) is the newer and even MORE SCIENTIFICALLY TRUE idea that Life is so mind-bogglingly complex and gee-whizzy fantastic that it could not have been designed by just one unknown-Creator-who-might-be-God: it was designed by a teenage boy! No, wait, I mean, it is the result of rigorous (?) analysis, design, and beta testing on the part of The Board of Creators, with input from Existential Focus Groups. Also, could a single designer ever come up with that many screwups and imperfections? Real intelligent design would have given chloroplasts to humans making a lot of war, strive for superfluous resources, and would also have ameliorated global warming. Instead, according to the Null Hypothesis, substantial portions of the first draft were almost certainly developed during a more than usually drunken frat party of a group of freshman design students. Those students then went on to do this as their final thesis (which they barely passed with a C, courtesy of Goddess Belldandy). According to the Alternative Hypothesis, there are at least three primary creators, Larry, Moe, and Curly, along with at least three helpers, Dubya, Britney Spears, and Charlie Chaplin. Their collective IQ is something like -219, which explains everything. Currently, the Institute of Irrational Values is trying to determine the pee value, the rate at which all of creation urinates. Since Alpha is part of many frat names, they figure that if the pee value of a fraternity is below Alpha, then the Null Hypothesis can be rejected, and we can safely leave our sadistics course.

According to the Hornblower Bible, the original committee in charge was integrated into the British Department for Administrative Affairs. The head Creator was Sir Hubert Horatio Hornblower, GCB, KBE, MVO, MA (Oxon). The original plan was set up by Hornblower and was reviewed by an interdepartmental enquiry with very broad terms of reference with input from the 23,000 civil servants led to the first human being, Jim Adam Hacker. This cost £34,376,998, which is about $69,929,689.33, pending results of the Anti-creation Lawsuit brought to the bar by Satan Beelzebub, Esq.

Most people think of what they do not know as gaps in their knowledge, empty spaces that they can fill with facts, information, or the latest dirty email joke. However, we intelligenter people know that ignorance is a treasure. It is a virtue, a positive proof of the Creator's existence! If we see something in nature that we do not understand, it just makes Intelligent Design by Committee that much more true!

It is a well-known axiom that the Intelligence Quotient (IQ) of a meeting room goes down as more people enter it, so the more people on a Board, the more ignorance it collects and the more creative it becomes. In the primal days of the universe, there would not have been much space, so absolutely everybody who was anybody was all crammed together in the same room, with nothing to do except design us and all the little critters we love to fry up and serve with gravy.

This neatly explains the anomalies left unsolved by the older, slightly less true explanation of Intelligent Design:

• Why do people like William Dembski claim that the eye is 'too complex to have evolved'?

  Because they are intelligenter people who know that what they don't know is proof that they do know what they already thought they knew, whether you think so or not.

• If we humans were "designed" by space aliens, why did they do silly things like give us the appendix and male pattern baldness? And why make us grow more hair in more inconvenient places as we age?

  These things are clear evidence of the conflict and the cut-and-paste, "good enough for government work" mentality that pervaded The Board of Creators.

• If every creature in the universe is a product of Intelligent Design, why do improbable creatures like the platypus or the ocelot exist?

  Listen carefully: "Intelligent. Design. BY COMMITTEE." What did you expect, dumbass?!? And if you still want to bring up the weird and stupid animals, why don't you just go write an article on Inelegant Design and quit pestering me.

• If everything is designed, then where do the new strains of bacteria come from?

  It's a committee those things never end, they are still there to this day, thinking up new forms of life.

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