Ice Cream Diet

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As long as you only have a small one, It'll be fine I'm sure

“I've got a bad feeling about this.”

~ Oscar Wilde on The Ice Cream Diet

The Ice Cream Diet is a popular and effective cure for obesity.

The method, which was invented by an ancient eskimo, enables a person to lose weight without the troublesome physical activities of alternative diets.

It is interesting that both Nero and Julius Caesar (who invented ice cream) overlooked the effects on women.


This man should not discriminate you for being, say, 20 years older than his regular clients. Just offer him double.

The Ice Cream Diet exploits the fact that ice cream is very very cold, and that the human body therefore consumes more energy from heating the ice cream, than it gains from digesting it.

It is a well known fact, that being skinny means being happy. Many Hollywood movies demonstrate this fact by showing depressed women eating a lot of ice cream, so they can lose weight, and feel better about themselves.

One of the key ingredients in ice cream which is responsible for the amazing weight loss is uncut cocaine. That's why you see so many celebrates blowing coke they are eliminating the middle man and brain freeze. If you look on the label of the ice cream container it's not listed but that doesn't mean it's not there (like Santa). If you buy "lightly churned" varieties the diet won't work.

This can be put into practical use, say, before a date or work meeting, by rushing to the nearest ice cream guy or stand. Or, for the finesse in us, buy some Häagen-Dazs from the nearest supermarket.


Since the beginning of time scientists have tried to improve the ice cream diet, by engaging fat guinea pigs in the diet, and monitoring their weight. Unfortunately, guinea pigs eat their ice cream so slowly, it simply melts before sufficiently reducing their body temperature. Other species of animals can eat ice cream much faster, but they are not nearly as scientific as guinea pigs. Rats simply get hyperactive, and chimpanzees get addicted.

When Anna Nicole Smith tried the Ice Cream Diet she failed miserably, due to the fact that her body temperature is well below that of ice cream.

What to Avoid

After a big load of ice cream (preferably Häagen-Dasz) people then eat chocolate, pie, trees, cake (even though it's a lie), and a cookie named "OH HELP ME GOD!!!!"

This is, of course, largely irrelevant to 99.498% of living creatures because it doesn't actually tell you how to avoid anything.[who wrote this anyway?] Basically, avoid any strenuous method of obtaining ice cream because this completely defeats the point of the diet. This is explained as due to building up excessive body heat and therefore melting the ice cream just by looking at it or possibly hitting it with vibrating "stomach muscles".

And, obviously, there's no point in eating toffee flavour, because that's just not healthy at all!

See also