Marketing 101
This is an article teaching the reader how to sell practically anything. It has been proven, that if promised a secret surprise inside, children will beg their parents for anything. If you promise some kind of toy in the bottom, people between the ages of 4 and 12 will want it. In order to get the older kids, you will have to split it three ways. To get the teenagers that try to rebel against their parents by giving themselves stupid haircuts, associate the product with some horrifically loud noisy music that anyone with half a brain in their head will hate.
Your Market[edit]
The "rebellious" teenagers will want it, thinking that the so-called "music" is a form of self expression that they can use to separate themselves from their parents. To get the teenagers that use words such as homie, shizzle, and listen to rap music, make the package that you place the product in ridiculously shiny, and try to get some rapper (preferably one that just got out of jail) to endorse it, either by being in commercials for it, or showing it exclusively throughout their music videos. Though these make up the majority, do not forget there are others who want your wondrous products!!!!
| How to Market it | |
| Target comsumers | Method(s) |
| Teenagers | To get the teenagers that listen to stuff like Mariah Carey and Justin Timberlake, put the product in a pretty pink package, and in commercials, show images of impossibly pretty women with muscled guys blatantly using the product. |
| 20 - 30 | Next comes the people over the age of 20. They will be a bit harder than the rest. Most of these people will be just out of high school or university/college, and will be trying to find a job. Make commercials that associate the product with success, and show people like businessmen, or authority figures with the product. This tactic should work on people until the age of 30. |
| 30 - 40 | These people will either be single, or married and with children. To get the new parents, think of some creative way to make them think that it will help with their child's early development so that they grow up to be a genius or something. To get those that are single, show people using the product to get a hot date, or giving it to someone as a present, and making them thrilled. |
| 40 - 60 | This is about the time these people have their mid-life crisis, and try to be young. Associate the product with youthfulness, and show young happy people enjoying it. This will make them believe that they will feel young if they buy the feces. Anyone over 60 is also easy. Place the product in a plaid package (they will find it attractive) and associate it with some disgusting medical procedure old people often get, such as a coupon for a free enema. These are all effective ways to market products, thus proving that you can make people buy some ridiculous trash. |
Marketing Strategies[edit]
Tired of competition? Yes, your product may seem a bit mediocre and even inferior to what your business rivals have to offer, but there is still hope. What is worse than a menacing swarm of locusts? A menacing crowd of foreign merchants! Despite their unwelcome presence under the shelter of free market economy, the nation's unemployment rate simply has not increased a little, and in fact, the local GPD may have even been boosted due to their "ruthless business dealings". Nevertheless, you are losing your profits, and these foreign merchants are worthy of all blames. In order to secure your business, you must become a saviour, not just of your own, but of the entire nation.
"Save thy Country"[edit]
Tired of competition? Yes, your product may seem a bit mediocre and even inferior to what your business rivals have to offer, but there is still hope. What is worse than a menacing swarm of locusts? A menacing crowd of foreign merchants! Despite their unwelcome presence under the shelter of free market economy, the nation's unemployment rate simply has not increased a little, and in fact, the local GPD may have even been boosted due to their "ruthless business dealings". Nevertheless, you are losing your profits, and these foreign merchants are worthy of all blames. In order to secure your business, you must become a saviour, not just of your own, but of the entire nation.
Tell people the "truth"[edit]
You are the Messiah of the local economy, and you must preach to the nation the "truth" - that foreign companies are taking away their wealth, their jobs and their way of life, that they are invaders and terrorists, and that they are the source of all evil. Don't let yourself be limited by facts. Use your imagination and draw whatever connections possible between foreign products and obscure economic fluctuations. Go far and wide, from border to border, on national TV, magazines and newspapers, tell people the good news of your "patriotic", local substitute of demonic, foreign products, and save yourself from what is pretty much your own problem.
Be a patriot![edit]
Don't know how to sing the national anthem? Don't worry - leave that to the marketing department. What you truly need is a patriotic image. Be charitable, give orphans and widows what is tax-deductible and show the country how much you care for your own fellows. Cover your products with flags - truckloads of flags - and tell the nation that those are not just your products, but theirs. Tell them to join your crusade of fighting foreign influences on every package and let them generously give you their money - for your own personal gain.
If all else fails[edit]
Contact Billy Mays.