HowTo:Wake someone up
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“Waking Up is the precursor to being asleep”
“Being awake is essential for the operation of heavy machinery”
“Wake the FUCK up.”
“Know what would happen if I tried to do this sleeping?”
It is 7:00. Your plane leaves in 45 minutes. There are clothes spread across the bedroom floor as if they exploded from the suitcase placed precariously in front of the bedroom door. You stare at your girlfriend, she's lying half naked on her stomach with her arms and legs sprawled across the bed, her tongue hanging out her mouth, and a stream of drool leading from her mouth to the pillow. Humorously, her abdomen and chest is raised a few inches off the bed. She looks like a Salamander but no time for pictures. You have to get moving. The friendly people of Compton, California await your
Here is the kicker; you told the
bitch lady commanding the utmost respect to be ready and packed by 6 in the morning and it is now 7...P.M. You need to get her up and at em'. But when you slap her across the face, pour ice cold water on her head, pinch her nipples and get the New England Patriots to dog pile on her all she does is wave her left arm and say "Oh Steven, you're so frisky" then continues snoring. This puzzles you as your name is Brett.
You need get that woman awake NOW as your tickets are non-refundable and set to self destruct immediately if not used. Do not let the fact that you are all out of ideas on how to get your bodacious bootied mamasita up. Luckily for you, there is some help. A 7 foot tall man in a green suit inexplicably wearing a gas mask comes crashing through your ceiling. He is holding a briefcase. He holds out his arm and says "take it". You take it from the odd man only now realizing you have soiled yourself. You ignore that fact and open up the briefcase. In it, there is a Pamphlet that reads:
How To Wake Someone Up
If you are reading this pamphlet now, you are probably wondering if the person you are trying to wake is actually dead. Gently stroke their lips. They bit you didn't they? Good they are alive. The following will inform you the best techniques/methods to get that lazy sack of truancy up.
Try Calling out their name - Two or Three times is sufficient. Make sure you are loud and clear (grab a megaphone). If they are actually deaf, you may need to spell their name out in sign language. If this is the type of person who sleeps with their eyes closed or they just plain didn't wake up proceed to the next step.
Play Loud Music - This a step often skipped in favor of step 3. DON'T DO THAT TRUST ME. You must play music first before trying to shake them. Your own composition is highly recommended as you have probably zero musical talent so your "nails on a chalkboard" instrumentals and "stab me in my eardrum with a rusty nail " voice will shock the auditory cortex into submission. Grab a guitar, some drums, a recorder and/or a gong and just pound away as hard as you can, randomly switching between each instrument. Or if you can't be bothered with all that, I suggest some prerecorded music such as aggressive choir music. Never ever ever ever ever try to wake someone with Classical, Polka, Country, Jazz, R&B, or Finnish Folk Pop music. Those are strictly for putting them to sleep and/or a comatose state. (Note: Rock and Reggae music also equally effective.)
Shake Them Very Hard - This succeeds in waking up all persons 70% of the time, but only if there is an earthquake. If there is no earthquake, you must grab them by the arms and Shake It Like a Saltshaker with them as hard as you can. This is only 40% successful. It kills them 20% of the time and actually causes them to sleep deeper in the remaining 40% of all cases. You may need to proceed to step 4.
Begin Throwing/Pouring Random Objects At Them - Anything you can grab: marshmellows, potato chips, birthday cakes, 3 course meals, bouncy balls, footballs, medicine balls, balls of steel, lamps, chairs, desks, carpets, pets, your children, yourself, the bed itself, fits of rage, anvils, the Patriots, buckets of cold water, buckets of hot water, lemonade, saliva, lava... (Note: If you don't actually want to kill and/or seriously injure the person you may need to proceed to the FINAL STEP section of the pamphlet.)
FINAL STEP: Drastic Measures (Uh Oh)
He/she has forced your hand. They won't get they punk asses up, now you must resort to drastic measures. These drastic measures are so drastic, so cold, so measured, so spectacularly ridiculous that it just might get that sloth awake. These measures are so drastic, it deserves it's own section in the pamphlet. Not even your 40-something father who frequently sleeps through thunderstorms, your baseball practices, your birth, and rifts in the time-space continuum will be able to sleep though any of these. Any one of these tricks should do the trick, but fair warning, they can be tricky!.
Farting in their face - Build up some gas by drinking hyperglycemia-inducing levels of soda and eating pop rocks, your mother's cooking, and/or Mexican food. Then press your butt cheeks to a proximal location in the vicinity of the targeted person's face and LET A RIP.
Making them smell your feet - The one specific case in life where having a horrific case of Bromohydrosis actually works in your favor. The more odorous your feet are the better. Just take off your shoes and put your feet at similar distance as you would place your butt if you were farting. Wait a second or two for the odor to permeate the target person's nose.
Punching them in the uterus/testicles - Also known as instant abortion, it is self explanatory. Just take your five fingers of death and wallop them in the sex organs. If your sleeping girlfriend/wife/mistress is pregnant, you are basically killing two birds (and a baby) with one kidney stone.
Administration of the WET WILLY!!!! - I'm not talking about how a man's penis gets when he wviews ilovethefishes.com, I'm talking about taking your finger, licking it and sticking it in their ear. Don't ask why this works. It just does. ACCEPT IT.
Giving them a spinal tap - If the sleeping party is in the fetal position, you may choose to shove a needle in their spine with brute force, but do it gently. Requires the delicate hand of a qualified professional in the medical field. If you are not a qualified medical professional, just punch them in the backbone.
Tickling them - Use a feather duster and and lightly jab them with the handle. Alternatively, you may pour 100 electric eels down their pants. The squirming of these animals creates the same ticklish effect. More or less...
Licking them - From their head to their toes, cover them thoroughly in saliva with your tongue. (Caution: Human beings may taste delicious. This pamphlet claims no responsibility if you become Hannibal Lector.)
Teabagging them - One of America's favorite pastimes. No one sleeps through this. However, if the person you are trying to wake is a male and they not only manage to continue sleeping, but smile in their sleep and mumble "awesome", they just might have an affinity for the cream-filled twinkie.
Picking them up and throwing them - You read correctly. Just hoist them over your back and launch them as hard as you can, anywhere you can. Spinning around in any direction really fast and then letting go of the person may be useful alternative for human propellant.
Beating them with a police batton - Beating them over and over and over and over again and then some more over the head is all you need. If you are white and the targeted sleepy head is black, this is not a good look at all. Do it anyway. It's called drastic measures for a reason. Also, this is where the (uh oh) aspect comes in.
Beating them with a shovel - A couple of whacks over the head, in the face, on the neck, or anywhere else on the body is sufficient. Plastic shovels work as well as metal, but got shovels have a market value of 21,576, meaning you will never be able to get your hands on one unless you sacrifice your entire life savings. Not to worry, diamond shovels are not necessary to facilitate "wakey wakey" in humans.
Screaming in their ear - A simple yet effective method. Remember to yell really loud.
Unwanted Sexual Contact - Combine teabagging, licking, tickling (in naughty places), and/or <font=1>rape for a rude awakening. (Word of advice: This pamphlet is not responsible for any lawsuit/jail time received.)
Sending them an instant message aka foot in they ass - Take your foot, peel back and swing forward, firmly logging your foot in their butt. Petroleum jelly not required or recommended.
Pressure Points - Use your thumb and press firmly on any weak point on their body.
Ironing their face - Set iron to low so as not to kill them and just quickly go over their face with it.
Spraying the contents of a fire extinguisher on them - Nothing gets a lazy person up faster than CO2! Remember to pull the the pin first. Stand at least 2 inches away from their nostrils and let it go.
Setting them on fire - Ouch. This really isn't a good idea at all. Only do this if they are wearing fire resistant pajamas.
After Waking Them
They are probably gonna be pretty pissed/dirty. Just give them a hug or a kiss or if you don't want to do all that just tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP.
You cycle through the pamphlet. You spot a viable option for you situation. You smile at the FINAL STEP. You can feel your intestines rumbling. This one is going to be big. You hold your tummy and bend over at the waste. You put your butt 6 inches from your girl friend's face but before you can start forcing out some gas, your girlfriend jumps out of bed screaming at the top of her lungs. You tell her to "SHUT THE FUCK UP." She says "Sorry...omg the TIME!! It's so late, why didn't you wake me?" You are now thankful for those anger management classes you took as a villainous youth. "Wait", your girlfriend says, "Who the hell is that?" She points to the NBA sized dude wearing the green suit standing in your bedroom. "Oh he was just leaving, right?" you say. "No I wasn't" he says in a T-Pain like electronically altered voice. Awkward silence fills the room. "Haha I are have fun teasing with you." Then the mysterious giant leaps back through the ceiling and disappears, leaving another hole.