HowTo:Kill two birds with one stone

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Don't worry, you are not alone. Well you are, but there's not a lot I can do about that. What I mean to say is that we've all been there, even you. It's only natural and human to want to kill as many birds with as few stones as possible. It's nothing to be ashamed of, as long as you keep it to yourself and tell no one.

A typical scenario of everyday bird slaughter

Hand me a pebble and these guys are history.

I bet you were wandering in a field one day, just idly carrying a big stone, like I was yesterday. Then you saw these two birds, just sitting there, waiting to be killed. Of course, you looked around for another stone but the field was stoneless, was it not? You were then forced to use the one stone you had against those birds and so in a mad blind moment of frustration you just hurled that stone, didn't you, only to find that it missed both birds and went straight through the window of a tractor. Then the police got involved and your life was ruined forever, like mine was - am I right?

Well, you should have read this first then. I'm sure your parole officer will understand.

The benefits

The benefits of killing two birds with one stone are, mostly, that you save on stones. The practice, therefore, ought to be only prized in societies where birds are common and difficult to kill but stones are extremely rare and valuable. Yet it remains a part of common parlance even in our society and we've a massive surplus of frozen chickens and there's stones just laying about all over the place for free! Which just goes to show that the whole science of economics is irrelevant when it comes to killing.

NOTE Remember it is a sin to kill a mockingbird, even if it is two at once, and with only one stone.


Most people think that killing two birds with one stone is a pretty tough thing to do, but it really all depends on what birds you use, how they are arranged together, and the size and shape of the stone, as well as the particular mood of the birds in question.

The size of the stone can be figured out by using the Principle of Stone-Avian Proportionality, which was first developed by the ancient Greeks when they were chucking some rocks at Icarus. It says, simply, that the bigger the bird, the bigger the stone. So for example, you only need a small stone to kill a Hummingbird, but a really big one to kill an Ostrich or an Emu, or an Emperor Penguin. From this rule, you can figure out that throwing a ten-ton boulder at a pair of chickadees is probably overkill, and throwing a pea-sized pebble at a pair of ornery eagles is a dumb idea. Trust me on this one.

Once you've selected the proper sized stone you could, of course, just go around randomly chucking stones into the sky in the hope of getting lucky. This is a common beginner's mistake. It's hard enough to kill even one cow with a stone (it takes all day, believe me) - so two birds are not just going to drop out of the sky at first hurl. What you need is to try one of these easy methods, carefully made to cut out and keep in a special binder that you can hand down to your family for generations, presuming it lasts that long, of course (your family, not the binder, which is only guaranteed for 6 weeks).

1. Use a big stone and kill some pelicans

Definite stone fodder.

The great thing about Pelicans is that they all clump together in big, stupid and docile herds. With a suitable large and flat stone, you can just wander in among them, drop it, and reap the rewards. You'll probably kill four or five birds with your stone. The temptation now will be to run up the high street shouting I did it! I did it!, but this is inadvisable for two reasons:

  1. Most reputable countries now boast a police force.
  2. Pelicans are often a long way from any high street.

2. Hire a microlite, then coax two birds together into a straight line, then shoot a stone at them from a cannon

Ahhh, the favored method of the professionals. This one is both difficult and expensive. An on-board stone cannon for a microlite can set you back as much as £25.00 and most people prefer to buy a nice DVD or set of drink coasters instead. Losers.

OK, so you're about nineteen thousand feet up in your microlite and you notice a couple of birds flying in a neat line. Coax them together using your hands and gentle cooing noises. Birds always fall for that stuff. When they line up, use your laser to align the cannon then fire, and you got em!

Make sure to use the right sized stone, or else you'll technically have killed one bird with one stone and another bird with a bird with a stone in its side. It's a little thing, I know, but the purists won't go for it. Also, be sure not to kill the birds with your laser, because that defeats the purpose entirely. You're not Luke Skywalker.

3. Go petshopping

Petshopping is the practice of going to a pet shop, buying two budgies and then tying them both to a stone and flinging them into a river. It's an easy and lazy way to do it, really, and the practice is frowned upon by the great majority of the dual-bird-stoning community. It's also poor sport to open the bird cage in the pet store and throw stones at the birds inside. Not only is it like shooting fish in a barrel, only marginally less fun, most petshops keep a six-foot man named "Mac" in the back, who likes birds. A lot. Trust me on this.

Early eighties pop duo, "The Pet Shop Boys" named themselves after this practice, because they thought it was cool and everything. The song West End Birds is all about it too. But, look at them today - drinking meth and tapping half-heartedly into a keyboard - and you'll see why it is important to have a challenge in life.

4. The Da Vinci Method

Look! Behind Jesus' sister! It's a pelican!

Technically, this is killing two birds with one stone and also killing one old duffer with a bullet, but a recent book about the technique has sold millions so why not cash in?

Chase an old duffer into the Louvre and shoot him. Then leave some codes and a fairly obvious stone near the body. (Note: Pig Latin is NOT considered a code worthy of the Da Vinci Code Method. Neither is writing everything backwards.) Now you're ready to carefully lure a Harvard professor of Symbollocksism and some French bint into a tense race against time.

The object of the chase is to find two birds and kill them with the stone. If they fail, the whole world will believe that god was an eagle, and this is wrong.

On the way, they'll hook up with professor Lemmy Teabag, the lead roady for Motorhead, and he really hates birds. He'll show them how, if you look very closely at da Vinci's 'The Last Supper', you can see a pelican, sticking his bill up Judas. Then he'll throw a chair. Be careful not to be hit at this point.

Once they've completed the task, you can tell them that all the god stuff was just rubbish and it was just a dual-bird killing trick - but they'll have just used the one stone to kill two birds. Success!

Of course, this method doesn't say anything about actually killing two birds with one stone, but who says that we have to make sense?

5. The Bird Throw Method

The lazy man's alternative to throwing stones is this. Have you ever felt how heavy a big stone really is? Now ask yourself, do you have the effort and energy to pick that stone up and hurl it at some god forsaken birds because they dont have the common decency to die on their own?

Of course you don't! So instead try this. Get some bread, preferably kingsmill best of both as the clay like texture and questionable taste will drive the best into a feeding frenzy. Place it at your feet and hold your hands above it and make like a statue. When the unsuspecting birds arrive to eat the possibly hazardous bread pounce on them and grab them by the feet. Now walk to the nearest big stone you can find and bash their brains out on it.

The advantages to this is that the stone never moves so next time you feel like killing two birds with one stone you know just where to find it. And you can always protest that the birds fell onto the rock from the sky and just happened to die by accident,

Recommended kinds of stones

  • Granite. Hard and heavy, a small boulder of granite is the perfect way to kill two birds.
  • Slates and shales. With a sharp edge, these can do some damage.
  • George W. Bush's head. Need we say more?
  • Pumice. Pumice is a volcanic rock that floats on water. It's great for killing birds at sea, because your stone doesn't sink after you throw it. However it's very light, so you'll need a big piece.
  • Marble. The classical approach. For extra panache, use a piece of an old broken statue.
  • Diamond. For the rich snobs who like the expensive touch.
  • Pig Diamond. Even more rare than diamonds, and are very oddly shaped. Just imagine yourself strutting up to the bartender and proudly declaring that you have killed two birds with a pig diamond!
  • Kidney stone. Preferably one of a Brontosaurus.

Note: It helps if the stone is colder and frozen.

  • Though not a stone yet, molten hot lava has the added bonus of instantly frying the birds for culinary use. Just make sure you don't actually throw it...
  • Agates. I just like them because they're pretty.

For beginners

  • If you find yourself having difficulty killing 2 birds with 1 stone, try killing 3 birds with 2 stones first; it's slightly easier. (But the mathematicians among you will notice that killing 3 birds with 2 stones necessarily involves that 1 of your 2 stones kills 2 birds so it's not actually easier at all.) Killing three birds with two stones is in practice easier as you do not have to kill two birds with every stone thrown, and can even get away with not killing any birds with one of the stones, provided you achieve the much-prized triple bird-kill with the other stone.

The adventure begins

So, you've got your stone and you're raring to go. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. There's nothing like your first dual kill. Believe me. From there on, it's all downhill and you end up shuffling from bar to bar, chucking beer mats at parrots and typing out articles teaching others how to do it.

Good luck!

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