HowTo:Tell the difference between a cow and a goldfish

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The evolutionary ancestors of cows and goldfish once shared the same taste in genes. Stonewashed genes. The goldfish came first, see the cow as a modified one of those. Fins turned into legs and gills into lungs. You get it. Since goldfish stayed in the sea and cows stayed vegetarian, there was no reason for these two animals to ever meet up except at the annual evolutionary Christmas party where the hyenas told made the worst joke.

So lets speed along a bit until we come to humans. You see for a goldfish and a cow there the question about differences wasn't really relevant. Their social circles never met. Goldfish soon forgot everything after 10 minutes and cows were domesticated by scruffy bipedals who liked to steal their milk.

It was humans that decided the issue about the differences between a goldfish and a cow was a subject that needed ugent attendance and quick answers if possible.

But first, let us examime the cow and the goldfish separately.


A cow is an animal found on a farm. It's colour is Black & White, but this depends on the type of cow you are looking at. Its job in life is to eat grass, give milk, die and be eaten. Cows have 2 benefits: food and milk. Milk for dairy products and beef for food which is also red meat.

A cow on a farm.jpg


A goldfish]] is a small gold coloured animal with no purpose in life apart from entertaining you for about 9 weeks until you find him floating on top of the bowl then you need to flush him down the toilet. They are not big and swim around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around...around their bowl. Some may be upgraded to aquarium or an outside pool but they essentially do all the same thing. Swim aimless around in circles.

A Gold Fish in a bowl.jpg


A cow is big, black and white mammal. It doesn't like water. Some relatives like water buffalo don't mind getting wet but the purposes of this article, they don't count. Cows also come in breeds and different colours. All can be eaten. They don't look like goldfish. A goldfish is small, gold & small. It has a short attention span and will use a bicycle if dropped into their tank. They don't look like cows.


Since cows and goldfish have no evidence of ever talking to each other or suffer from species confusion, the debate about the differences between them is a drama cooked up by bored philosophers. That is where it should lie for now.

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