HowTo:Resort to Violence

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“I have never known a better way to say I love you.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Violence

In today's busy and go-go world, it is of extreme importance not to forget what is important in life. Often humans can get tied up in worried thoughts about life and love and people's feelings. It is at these times that resorting to violence can be of utmost importance. Say for example, you've had a tough day at work, nothing seems to be going your way and on top of it all, your wife reveals she's actually a man. Days like these can leave a person not knowing how best to express all the thousands of emotions built up inside. This is one of many times when resorting to violence would not only save you, but also your marriage.

How to get started[edit]

Just sitting there isn't going to save you.

The hardest part about resorting to violence is acting at the appropriate time. There is no need to pick up a sack of cats and beat your workmates into pools of blood and feces unless they have done something or said something that would inspire such a rage. Seek to find a reasoning before taking to your son with a meat cleaver. Once a good reason is obtained, then go for your life!

Reasons to Resort to Violence[edit]

For the male
  • Because your wife doesn't understand you, and this is the only way to fix that.
  • Because your wife DOES understand you, which creeps you out, and this is the only way to fix that.
  • Because you have sweaty palms.
  • Because everyone seems to have so much more than you.
  • Leprosy.

For the woman
  • Because you don't feel like anyone listens to your idiotic comments anymore.
  • Because that bitch next door is trying to move in on your man.
  • Because if you didn't, everyone would just think your the 'office slut'.
  • Because it's cheaper than the gym and you don't have to get haircuts as often.
  • Leprosy.

The battle[edit]

A great way to get started

Once you've decided the settle your bets with a glasgow kiss, you may find that there are other people who don't want you to deal with your problems in such a way. These people are squares and you must dispose of them quickly before they guilt you into going home and playing with your teeth. If one of them does try to reason with you, best try to stuff something either down their throat or in your ears, either way, try to make it so that their baseless complaints don't phase your path of destruction.

Next up comes the hurting part. The hurting can be understood within a series of levels, the higher the level, the more the other person is going to get hurt. In most cases (though not all) it is assumed that the higher levels of pain should be reserved for those who have wronged you in more extreme ways. Use this handy guide to best choose the correct level.

Level 0 (BABY PAIN)
  • Typical level of wronging: Most likely nothing.
  • Typical level of response: Disembowelment.
Level 1 (NERD PAIN)
  • Typical level of wronging: Often as small as someone cutting in line or flipping you off in traffic.
  • Typical level of response: Jihad.
Level 2 (JERK PAIN)
  • Typical level of wronging: Beating up your son, stealing your newspaper or playing Mos Def at 3 am.
  • Typical level of response: Castration through use of blunt, rusty dental instruments.
  • Typical level of wronging: Destroying your house, your life or your haircut.
  • Typical level of response: Anything you can do with a gas can (and I mean ANYTHING, seriously. Go nuts.)
  • Typical level of wronging: Shaking your coke, having relations with your goat.
  • Typical level of response: The Final Summoning, use of Death Star, horse whip, donkey punch, baby powder in the eyes or the removal of pinky toes.