HowTo:Not give a shit
“What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap...oh wait, that's right, that chimpanzee at the zoo ripped one of them off, I kind of wish I still had that arm. That monkey was just spoiling for a fight. Anyways, the moral of the story is go fuck off.”
Well, well, well. So your life sucks, right? No friends, people point and laugh at you, girls avoid you, those douche seniors at high school bully you.... no doubt about it, you fail at life. So naturally, all this stuff gets to you and you try everything to help out your pathetic situation. You get a snazzy wardrobe, taken up skateboarding, tried out for football, and attempted to talk to those pimps in the stairwell. But alas, you failed at that too. Society once again rejects your sorry pathetic ass and throws you into a deep pit filled with depression and dirt (mostly dirt). So, now you’re in a dilemma. You’ve tried to fit in with the popular crowd, but they spat you out like the spitball at the chalkboard of misery. So now what? You find yourself wondering: is there any solution to this great problem?! Well, ever try not giving a shit?
What is this 'not giving a shit'?
All right, I bet you’re like "what the hell are you talking about?" Simply put, to not give a shit means that you go through life without caring about anything. You wear Wal-Mart brand clothes? Who cares! You're afraid of looking like an idiot? Disco down the hallways! Don't think your bike is very cool? Paint it pink and stick tassels to the handlebars! See, not giving a shit just is doing whatever you feel like without worrying about the consequences.
Why should I not give a shit?
How much would not giving a shit help my life?
Top research scientists have proved that the quality of your life is directly proportional to the amount that you do not give a shit. To explain, check out this nifty graph I whipped up in Microsoft Excel:
Ahh, here we go. As you can tell by the blue line, the more you don't give a shit, the better the life you'll have. What could be simpler?!
Can I pull off not giving a shit?
While the process itself of not giving a shit is remarkably easy, the delivery of your shit-free attitude really adds to the effect. If someone bashes your mother and all you say is 'I don't care' and stride away, you have failed at displaying your true attitude. Make a big deal out of it by saying 'I wish to thank you for your well-thought-out complaints. I am pleased to say that your insult has not been noted, and has been lovingly shoved back up your stuck-up ass.' You see? If a person hears something like that, they will know that their insult did not affect you in any way, thus letting them know just how much you don't give a shit.
And showing that you do not give a shit does not just apply to situations that directly test your not-giving-a-shit attitude. Try doing something completely bizarre and unexpected. For instance, if you attend a high school, a place where a person's appearance has a huge effect on their social status, randomly go to school in a full tuxedo, complete with the little flower in the lapel. See? Just do weird crap like that and your not-giving-a-shit outlook on life will be made known.
What if my parents do not approve of my not give a shit lifestyle, and promptly ground me like this poor fellow?
Then you've got shitty parents, man. If they do happen to ground you, it's time to graduate to DSOB-status (Devious Son Of a Bitch). You know, sneaking out, telling elaborate lies, yadda-yadda, et cetera, I don't give a shit about your life.
Ok, well don't not give a shit so much that it results in you getting arrested. And if you did, let me offer this disclaimer so you can't sue us: just dont give a SHIT!
WARNING: The views expressed in this article are in no way supported or approved by Uncyclopedia, the Wikia corporation, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Any dangerous or controversial action taken by the reader of this article shall not be under the responsibility of this website or any of the authors who created this article. Do not attempt any of the stunts or ideas expressed in this article in real life. Not like I give a shit what you do, anyhow.
Will this article on not giving a shit really help me?
Why the hell are you asking me this? That doesn't sound like a 'not-give-a-shit' attitude! Now I want you to go bowling in the aisles of your local pharmacy and then tell me if your life hasn't improved.
What the hell is with all these damn headlines?
Why do you care? Haven't you been listening to anything? Go out and not give a fucking shit, already, you fucking assfucking fuck!"
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
- Buddhism: Practitioners of action movie Buddhism translate the Pali word for enlightenment as not giving a shit and being good at karate, but it is somewhat more complicated than that. Buddha preached and meditated under a tree for weeks, he didn't deliver catchy one liners while fighting the gangs who had infested villages across the countryside.