HowTo:Make a PB&J

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Peanut Butter in all its peanutty goodness
I don't think you're ready
Bread, without it, we'd all have a big mess on our hands

A peanut butter and jelly sandwich can be constructed following the OAC method: Obtain, Apply, and Consume. The OAC strategy has been used throughout the years by PBJ specialists to formulate their sandwich to maximum potential.

Obtain Ingredients[edit]

or just Obtain for short

The necessary ingredients are as follows:

Peanut Butter:
Jelly or Jam:
  1. Peanut Butter
    • Although the title seems to imply a certain simplicity pertaining to its ingredients, peanut butter is not what it first appears to be. Click on Peanut Butter to find out more about it.
    • This ingredient is found in most grocery stores and some liquor stores, but most people carry it around the house so worst comes to worst you can knock on your neighbours door. Unless your neighbours don't like you, or you live in a cardboard box and therefore have no neighbours. In which case, you're screwed. Stop reading now.
  2. Jelly or Jam
    • More commonly known as Jelly, this sweet preservative can be found in grandmas fridge, behind the Metamucil.
    • Some say that the Jelly is the preffered ingredient, while Peanut Butter enthusists claim otherwise.
  3. Bread
    • The bread is the most essential part of the sandwich. Usually wrapped in an assortmant of plastic bags, this tasty ingredient is worth the ever increasing price. Grocery stores as well as Bread baskets are likely candidates for its location.
  4. Other
    • For experienced Sandwiteers and crazy people other ingredients can be added: Mayonnaise, Potatoes, Anchovies, etc . .

Apply Ingredients[edit]

The difficult and time consuming process is spelled out below

The Bread[edit]

It is very important to ensure that this is your first step

  • Start by taking the bread out of its package and placing two separate slices on a flat counter top or whatever is handy. Try to avoid placing them on objects that are a) moving, b) wet, or c) wet and moving.
  • Be careful to re-package the remaining bread slices by using the twist-tie provided and to avoid the spin and tuck maneuver of the average joe.
Optional steps[edit]
  • Toasting the Bread is thought to be a little taboo as far as PBJs go. However it is not unheard of.
  • Should you want any other ingredients on your sandwich now is the time to apply. All improvizational sandwich making is at the consumers discretion.

The Jelly or Jam[edit]

This may be your second or third step. It's optional. Just remember, you can never have too much jelly

  • The next steps are the hardest especially for the first time PBJ makers.
  1. Open your jar of jelly or jam and place the lid on the counter.
    • Note: if you are a girl or girly man, it is recommended to find a real man to open the jar for you. Romantic payback is often involved, unless you are the latter.
    • If you cannot open the jar and there are no real men on hand use a blunt tool of some sort to bang on the edges of the jelly lid. If applied correctly, the lid should come off with a satifying pop. If not, bang harder. If the jar breaks, use up the jam as quickly as possible and avoid grabbing (or more importantly, eating) the shards of glass all over your non-wet and non-moving surface.
  2. Hold a clean knife (handle end preferably) and use a scooping motion to grab the jelly (or jam) and place it on one of the two slices of bread.
    • Warning holding the knife by the incorrect end may result in injury, death or Armageddon. Or maybe just a really bad spread. It's up to you.
  3. For more advanced users: tip the jar as if pouring the jelly onto the bread.
    • CAUTION: This requires an enormous amount of dexterity and muscle control. Do not attempt unsupervised, or else you run the risk of having a mountain of jam large enough to climb on your bread.
    • This may become a mandatory step should you be running low on Jelly.
  4. Remember to close the lid when you're finished
    • Warning: failure to close lid may result in jam to undergo a wine-like fermentation process. Which may be okay because, hey, free alcohol!

The Peanut Butter[edit]

A commonly overlooked step that needs careful consideration

  1. Follow the lid process for the previous Jelly step. The steps should be identical in most scenarios anyway, unless you are particularly (and oddly) adventurous.
    • You may notice that the tip trick does not work as well as with the jelly or jam. This is because peanut butter is much more solid than jelly or jam. If you haven't noticed that, you lack the intelligence to make a PBJ anyway.
  2. Spread the peanut butter onto the remaining slice of bread. Do not be afraid of too much peanut butter, as it is very hard to put too much on a single slice of bread unless you're, I dunno, ladling it on or something.
    • Caustiously close the lid making sure that the lid goes on correctly (not in a lop sided manner as it will create negative energy through out your body).

Putting it all together[edit]

Although not mentioned in the OAC process, it is good that you don't overlook this step

  1. Take the two slices of bread with the separate ingredients on each and slide them so that they are end to end.
  2. with a quick motion (the amount of jelly used dictates how quick you really need to be) slap the two slices of bread together so that the peanut butter and jelly are on the inside of the sandwich.


  1. If the peanut butter and jam (or jelly) are on the outside of the bread, go wash your hands and try again.
  2. If there is jam all over you and the kitchen, do some serious cleanup and try again.
  3. If there is no PBJ in your hands, pick it up off the floor and work from there.
  4. If you have somehow skipped to the "Putting it all together" step and have simply clapped your hands together, go back to the first step and try again.

Optional Steps[edit]

  1. As your mom will surely know, some children dislike the crust of the bread. In most cases it wouldn't be necessary, but to the extremely picky person you may use a sharp blade to carefully cut along the edges of the sandwich removing the crust. Be careful that you do not remove a finger, as blood has a tendency to ruin a PBJ.
  1. Bagging a sandwich can also be difficult if you do not have the right kind of bag. if you are one of the many troubled individuals with the bag that simply has a flap on one side and a pocket on the other listen closely.
    • Place the sandwich inside the bag
    • Tuck the extra flap inside the bag
    • Inside out the pocket over the opening of the bag
    • If you cannot understand these directions it might be wise to invest in some ziplock bags

Consume Ingredients[edit]

Warning be sure to follow these precautions while enjoying your PBJ

  1. Open your mouth wide
  2. *Opening wide helps prevent a messy face
  3. Be sure to have a napkin handy
    • Failure to follow precaution 1 or various uncontrollable variables may result in a messy face
  4. Be absolutely certain that you have plenty of milk
  5. Put the sandwich into your mouth while making sure not to rub into your beard, mustache or face as doing so may result in an unclean mouth which may also lead to acne or a pimple.
    • Got milk? duh.

PB & J Application Methods[edit]

  • This is the secret formula of my great great grandfather.
    • Warning: Bodily harm may result