HowTo:Kill time

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Have you ever felt like time was running too slow? Well, that's an excellent opportunity! You see, time is usually going too fast for you to be able to catch. Now you can actually catch time and even kill it!

What if time isn't running too slow?[edit]

There are numerous ways of slowing it down again. The two most popular ways are to either chill time down to absolute zero, making it stop completely, or to get it close to a black hole which will slow it down significantly.

Getting started[edit]

To get started you'll need some equipment, but don't worry. If you live in the US all the following equipment can be found in your neighboring redneck supermarket.

So... What you really need:

  • 1 Really short Shotgun
  • 2 Uzis
  • 1 MP7 (MP5 might work as well but you'll need a double sized mag for it)
  • 1 Machine Gun (Make sure that you scream and that you do not aim at all while using it. It is preferred that you run out of a jungle too...)
  • 1 Comfy chair
  • 1 Uncomfortable chair (Make sure that you place your own butt on the comfy chair and time in the other)
  • An infinite amount of ammo...
  • A pole made of wood, silver or frozen water

Time to kill time[edit]

Did you get everything you need?

  • If no: What are you waiting for! Go get the stuff!
  • If yes: What are you waiting for! Kill time! Oh... that's right, you don't know how to do it yet.

First, place time in the uncomfortable chair for 30 minutes at 250°C. Load all your weapons with an infinite amount of ammo (if you use the MP5 make sure to use double amount of ammo). Now empty the guns in the following order:

  1. Machine gun
  2. Shotgun
  3. MP7 (or MP5)
  4. Uzis

Now... Pierce time through the heart with your pole! If you did everything correctly, time will now be killed.

Why would I want to kill time?[edit]

  • Why wouldn't you!
  • No matter what you kill, it's always fun!
  • If you don't... time will probably, most likely kill you!
  • To kill time (You get it? Huh? you get it? Why not? It's funny)

What to do when time is dead[edit]

You can have a lot of fun once time is dead. Since time is important for the laws of physics, you will be able to break them. The following is a short summary of what to do:

  • Divide by zero.
  • Skip school or your job.
  • Nothing, since you don't have the time to do anything.
  • Everything except for anything, since you don't have the time to do anything.
  • Make a funny HowTo page on Uncyclopedia.

Yep... That's pretty much it.