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This How-To guide goes through how to intimidate anyone, including everyone from The President of the United States, to the autistic cat that lives across the street from you. This How-To Guide will teach you to become the most intimidating person to ever touch the face of Earth.
A random stranger
To intimidate any random guy, you have to deceive him into believing your scary, horrible, and crazy fake origin story you tell to him. Feel free to show props, show him your battle scars, act big if you are not big, act old if you are not old, and don't speak in a high pitch voice (not too low either), and make sure they have no reason to laugh at you.
Someone who isn't an idiot
To intimidate someone who is actually smart, you have to become smart yourself. You can do this either by studying other Uncyclopedia articles, or maybe go to college.
To intimidate someone who is street-smart, you have to become more street smart than them. Or you could just try to seem like a sociopath. Seeming like a sociopath might intimidate someone a little bit. Don't act overly sociopathic, or else people might just think you're a douchebag, and laugh at you for being fake.
The President of the United States
All you have to do to intimidate the President is to seem even the slightest bit scary, and he'll freak the hell out most of the time.
The President's bodyguards
If these guys seem smart, don't even try to intimidate them. If they seem dumb, try and deceive them into thinking you are a higher rank than them and can get them fired. This is probably the only thing they will fear if they are bodyguards. If some of the bodyguards get skeptical, feel free to throw out the props.
Your best friend
This guy (or girl) probably knows all of your secrets. If so, show him this article and become the most intimidating people around. If not, you should know how to freak him out.
If you are heartless and want to intimidate your grandparents, they should be easy to fall for one of your fake origin stories. If you don't have a good story, just give up on trying to intimidate old people.
Wait for your parents to become grandparents. Then see above.
Seriously, why the fuck would you intimidate a dog? If you really want to know, all you have to do is give them a really evil look. If that doesn't work, put the scent of human blood on you before you meet the dog. The dog might think you've just freshly murdered someone.
The autistic cat down your street
The cat might not be able to understand a damn thing you do. The cat won't be effected by you. An autistic cat is probably un-intimidate-able.
Someone bigger than you
Make sure your voice is low-pitched, and make sure you are tougher than them.
Someone tougher than you
Well, shit. If you run into one of these guys, odds are they are trained for people that are intimidating like you.
Someone who is really high or drunk
Just make a really loud noise and give them a scary look and they'll run away.
They can be intimidated easily with all the basic skills, but they'll just arrest you for it, so it may or may not be worth it.
That one douchebag you know
Just beat the shit out him once, and then he'll be afraid of you.
Anyone you can't intimidate
Hire someone you know who can dispose of them or intimidate them in the name of you, which will cause an intimidation chain, ultimately making them intimidated by you as well. If I worded that weirdly, just ask someone who can read.
Someone who has also read this article
They know all the tricks you know. This will just rely on pure skill of intimidating people.