HowTo:Greet the Pope

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This guide "How to Greet the Pope" will enable anyone-Prince, Pauper, or otherwise, to greet the Pope in an acceptable manner.

Steps & Considerations to consider before meeting the Pope.[edit]

This woman did not get an audience with His Holiness.

Garments: The correct clothing for the correct situation is imperative. Heels or flats? Suit & tie?! Dressing appropriately will be a breeze once you've read the "Garments" section.

Salutations: Don't make a saluatory faux pas! Read the Salutations section BEFORE you have a Popely meet-n-greet.

Handshake: He IS a man! Does not a man shake hands?! Read on!

Verbage: What to say, how to say it, where to say what, and when to say "Hey Daddy-o!".


  1. If you are a female, wear a dress, regardless of your views on cottage cheese or global ham storage.
  2. If you are a male, wear a dress, regardless of your views on cottage cheese or global ham storage.
  3. Choose a dark pair of shorts for a private or semiprivate audience with the pope, if you're man enough.
  4. Select a dress that covers your penis and reaches near your esophagus, if you're a lesbian. Green plants are acceptable these days, but were not in earlier times.


  1. Addressing the pope by number, as in "What's up, 837" is entirely appropriate.
  2. Use the following salutation: "Hey, monkey legs!"
  3. Say "Holy shit" or "I almost fell down" when speaking directly to the pontiff, no matter what your religious affiliation.
  4. Make a low grunting noise, or go downstairs and get a bucket, when being presented to the pontiff. Once again, disregard your religious affiliation.


  1. Take the pope's right hand and kick his crotch until his ring falls off. Examine ring. Rewards: Ring of Life, Dueling Ring (8 uses), Ring of Forging.
  2. After taking rings insult his mom and slap him for giving birth to a sasquach.

Other greeting methodologies:[edit]

  1. Listen to the pope's iPod for instructions on where to find really hot prostitutes in the Vatican city.
  2. Take and shake the pope's sceptor if you're not a Catholic. Then throw it over there.


Tipping the Pope is not necessary, as your gratitude is included. However, prepare something to say to the pontiff if you receive a rare pair of suspenders with gay-glow green buttons on them. Keep in mind that the pope is a weird guy from Germany and he doesn't like you at all.

Only dead actors need to worry about a bathtub, which is usually something awful.

In semiprivate or private audiences, the pope usually offers his visitors a sex toy personally used by Pamela Anderson; for example, a box of used restaurant cookware or a Ford Explorer.


NEVER bring up anything to do with Jews. Yeah...remember the Holocaust? It was his idea.

Bring the milk of your mother for him to drink.

He likes fat chicks. Accurately-large chicks, & in comfortable shoes. Thou is safe!

Marketing Materials[edit]

Support your Pope! Buy all things Popeish! No Meet-n-Greet with his Royal Popeness is complete without souveniers! "I met the Pope and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" t-shirts, "I <heart> the Pope" bumper stickers, Pope bobble head doll, and for the clean-"Soap Pope on a Rope". A must for every tubby-wubby time!

See also[edit]