HowTo:Edit Uncyclopedia

HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos

“Editing Uncyclopedia is like taking a picture of yourself nude whilst falling to your horrible grizzly death. And what I mean by that is that Falling to your death whilst nude and Uncyclopedia both have one thing in common - you have to say cheese.”

~ Francis E. Dec on on the intricacies of Uncyclopedia's cheese-like anatomy

If one day for some reason you inexplicably decide to edit Uncyclopedia you are faced with a challenging and bamboozling task. Responsible parents frown upon the practice for it's known dangers. If done in small doses, editing can result in a heightened state of awareness and the growth of bodily hair. If taken in excess insanity and the transformation into a were-editor will ensue. It is thought the admins were set apart from other users because they were hugging dogs as they overdosed on Uncyclopedia. This strangely gave them added powers such as deletion, protection and wolfishly sharp teeth.

Editing Uncyclopedia, though complex and difficult, is really easy if you follow my step by step guide below:

The evil little Bastard! He wants YOU to die

• Press down on your mouse hard. This should have killed the little rodent preventing risks such as tetanus and mouse droppings on your mousepad. It is believed by experts that 100% of computer users who own a mouse die. This shocking revelation has lead to a heavy increase in arsenic sales. Scared computer users world wide have been pouring arsenic all over their computer to prevent rodent related deaths. The only noted side effect is occasional arsenic dripping into the beverage holder disk drive which often involves CDs performing slightly better.
• Remove all your clothes. This ancient rite of passage is vital for all children to progress into adulthood. Thought up by the bearded astrologers of Uncyclopedia in days of old, without the exposure of the naked body to powerful Uncyclopedia radiation, madness and pitifulness to a certain degree will certainly ensue. All species of chav are noted for refusing point-blank to put themselves through this ritual. This is because they are afraid to show their heavily alcohol and nicotine abused corpse to the world in case someone laughs. Of course this is not their response to why they don't take part. Drawing on all their collective wit they replied to us with their brilliant one liner "YOUR MUM!"
• Turn on your webcam. Designed in the sacred Japanese forests of Hanoi, (The forest is famous for it's many webcam factories) the webcam was designed by top NASA scientists to be a focused portal of uncyc-radiation. It releases the vital rays in a concentrated beam. Of course if used when clothes are in use, side effects may follow. Most clothes were designed to absorb the radiation but bargain basement pikey clothing mutates the webcam beam. The result of this mutation leads to the unlucky individual becoming a green-skinned teenager with an unsightly shell and surprisingly adept skills in Nin-Jitsu.
• Give the exhausted computer a drink, just place it in the disc drive. Of course make sure none of the protective arsenic drips down from the mousepad and into the beverage. This could possibly result in death and may even make the drink taste better (and make you incredibly horny)
• Throw your computer into the air directly above you (don't worry it's a cartoon). WARNING! Do not try this in Japan as the cartoons there are supposed to be beautiful and thought provoking - they are not afraid in the slightest to let their characters die.
• Dive head first into your computer screen - make sure the mains is on at a lethal voltage, otherwise it will not work. You should be converted into a stylish pixelated stick person at the bottom left hand screen of the computer. Kick the start button and get ready to jump. Stand on the expanding list of applications before precariously swinging onto the Internet explorer button. (If your computer is virus-ridden you may have trouble moving as a stickman).

Wheeeeeeeeeee!!! Traveling to Uncyclopedia is how Tarzan trained himself for the jungle.

• Attempt to hitchhike with passing pop-ups to get to Uncyclopedia.Once on the internet grab onto any pop-ups. Once you eventually arrive Uncyclopedia punch the "No Thank you" button and tumble onto the main page.(Avoid getting off of the pop-up too early. Or you could end up at Encyclopedia Dramatica which is, in short, utter shit.)
• Wipe your feet on the Uncyclopedian doormat. Any noticeable muddy footprints aren't appreciated and result in users trying to swat you as you wander across their screen. If they succeed you will be humiliated and then placed in the recycling bin.
• Throw things at articles you don't like. It may hide their shame and if all else fails you could sell the guilt-ridden mess to the Tate Modern as contemporary "art".
• Run like hell as the admins chase you off of the site whilst using outdated phrases. It is advisable to create a pixel parachute on paint before trying this otherwise you may impale yourself on a pointy word document.

You by now will have created undoubtedly the best existing article ever. Can I have your autograph?