HowTo:Disable a Tsar Bomba
Are you aware of the potential for a nuclear holocaust near your home? Are you concerned about the social obligations and etiquette associated with our new atomic age? HowTo:Disable A Tsar Bomba will teach you the proper methods for disarming the largest and most explosive nuclear device known to man — with an overly simplistic and unrealistic guide. Sponsored by large piles of taxpayer money intended for public education and produced by the National Association Against Randomly Appearing High Yield Nuclear Weapons Of Mass Destruction That Could Ruin Dinner Parties or the NAARAHYNWOMDTCRDP for short.
What in God's name is a Tsar Bomba?
Well, that's a good question! A Tsar Bomba (or Czar Bomb for Non-Russian people) is a Russian 100 mega-ton thermonuclear bomb(a) with enough destructive power to vaporize all of Canada — something that was formerly only dreamed of. It should not be confused with Bomba music, a Puerto Rican thermonuclear dance craze. The Tsar Bomba was designed during The Cold War to effectively intimidate The United States and its puny, cheese-eating allies without having to use expensive planes or rockets as the primary delivery system. The first test of this new bomb(a) design, in a remote Arctic proving grounds known as "Santa's Lair", was so unpredictably powerful that it destroyed the forward observation base about 100 miles away — leaving nothing but smouldering piles of vodka bottles and funny hats.
Because of its immense power, the Tsar Bomba was instantly favored by Nikita Khrushchev and the KGB — inspiring orgiastic Soviet Bloc parties every Tuesday in its honor. On May 12, 1955 the Soviets are alleged to have made a key finding in the large crater that was formerly the "Santa's Lair Test Facility" — a mysterious teleportation device buried underneath a smouldering pile of reindeer bones. All documentation of this claim is either highly redacted or non-existent but several anonymous sources explain that the Russian government was afraid of some sensitive details, gathered at the find, which could irreparably damage one of its key industries — the manufacture of wooden Nutcracker dolls, which represented 40% of the Soviet economy. Subsequent tests conducted at the "Fortress Of Solitude" facility are undeniable however — a Tsar Bomba teleported 1000 miles from the intended point of implosion and destroyed Petrograd. Many attempts were made to control the teleportation functions of the bomb, whose initial guidance system featured a young Chinese boy in a cardboard box. The Tsar Bomba program eventually upgraded to the Windows Vista©® operating system in modern times but the device's unpredictable nature has never changed — appearing and exploding anywhere at anytime.
This Could Happen To You!
It's a splendid fall evening and your dinner party is moving along swimmingly — all according to plan. The second round of canapes has just been served and you happen to notice a Tsar Bomba poking out of the shrubbery next to the gazebo — in full sight of your mother-in-law! What to do? Despite the initial temptation to create a diversion, cover the bomb(a) with a tablecloth, flee with your spouse and leave all your in-laws behind to be vaporized, etiquette dictates that you sternly invite everyone to go inside the house in order to toast a celebrity guest.
What Now?!
Well, if you would have simply purchased the NAARAHYNWOMDTCRDP's 10 volume DVD collection titled "Tsar Bombas And You" with the additional disarming kit (for an additional $49.99), you would have been totally prepared for the inevitable possibility of a Tsar Bomba appearing before the main course had been served. Unfortunately, it's more than likely that you didn't listen to our past advertisements and did not purchase any of our documentaries on DVD — perhaps you even scoffed at them! Well, who's laughing now? While we don't normally condone the free distribution of important information, we'll make an exception in this instance because you're still special to us and we're willing to overlook your infidelities. Here's what you'll need:
- A Lobster Fork
- Salad Tongs
- A Formal Degree in Atomic Physics
- 1 cup ground black pepper
- Wire Cutters
You probably have all these items on hand — so it's off to face the task of disarming a 100 megaton thermonuclear device which has teleported into your backyard. You have 10 minutes, good luck!
Step 1: Maintain Decorum
Now that you've gathered all your guests together in the living room under the ruse of toasting the arrival of a celebrity guest, you now have the ability to create a diversion which will allow you to both conceal and disable the Tsar Bomba — without frightening your guests and receiving complaints of being a poor host.
Take the cup of ground black pepper and fling it into the eyes of your dinner guests — casually explaining that it's been a family tradition for centuries. Remember to carefully dip your fingers into the pepper to avoid unnecessarily wasteful spillage, especially if you have a lot of guests, and disperse the pepper evenly with a rapid flinging motion. Now that potential witnesses to a Tsar Bomba faux pas have been incapacitated, you can now move on to disabling the thermonuclear device.
Step 2: Manual Eject
First, locate the manual eject hole located at the front of the bomb(a). Use the handle end of the lobster fork and forcefully push it into the manual eject hole. When the control panel opens, there should be a loud decompression sound followed by various warning chimes and an unintelligible, electronic voice jibber-jabbering something in Russian. Use the salad tongs to carefully pull the wires away from the monitor, as if serving a spaghetti dinner, then use the tongs to extract the emergency computer mouse — which is supposed to automatically pop out but will more than likely fail.
Step 3: Windows Vista — Setting The Date & Time
Grab the computer mouse and click the старт button, it's just like the PC you use at home or work. The menu tree is as follows:
Click on the остановите ошибк tab and see what happens.
Did the rhythmic humming sounds inside the bomb suddenly decrease in frequency and slow to a stop — as if someone unplugged the power to your vinyl record player? Good! You've succeeded!
However, it is more than likely that the mouse cursor turned into a tiny pinwheel and started spinning — this means that the operating system is diligently working on your request but it will probably take more time to execute the function than you currently have to live.
Step 4: Panic And The Random Cutting Of Wires
You probably now have less than a few minutes to disarm the Tsar Bomba and serve the main course on time. Desperation is now in order — take out the wire cutters and use standard selection methods to identify which wires to snip. Try to remain calm and remember that one bad dinner party cannot ruin your reputation as a sterling host or hostess.
Step 5: Making The Most Of A Bad Situation
Take a large, festive table cover and place it over the Tsar Bomba — making sure that there are no unsightly creases. When you think about it, large bursts of nuclear fission offer an exhilarating display that looks quite beautiful and is pleasing to the eye — bright, vibrant orange and red are perfect colors for the fall season too. Invite all of your guests to join you on the gazebo for aperitifs and a fresh antipasto platter.
This Doesn't Have To Be You!
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The National Association Against Randomly Appearing High-Yield Nuclear Weapons Of Mass Destruction That Could Ruin Dinner Parties realizes the difficulties and new realities of hosting dinner parties in the nuclear age, but we're committed to being at the forefront of public awareness and homeland defense. If you wish to avoid the potential embarrassment of nuclear proliferation ruining your next gathering, avail yourself to our catalog of helpful and expensively produced documentaries and publications.
See Also
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Featured version: 14 November 2011 |
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