HowTo:Control women

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Wow. It's so simple one the one side. Yet...

Learning how to enslave women is one of the most fun/impossible things you can do and is the holy grail of psychology. "But how do I, a simple karate blackbelt, learn how to overpower the strong will of any woman?" I hear you ask! Well Mr Karate Sensei, do not panic! You have to learn to bullshit.

Female Bullshit[edit]

Girls love to talk bullshit. Therefore, you should approach your target and talk bullshit to her. However only dumb, horny girls will fall for this. University lesbians are educated, so you are wasting your valuable time there.

The three best subjects one may advise are Tarot, Bloodtype and Astrology. Is this ok? Of course! New Age people want to destroy our society, so it is right that we try to punish them! We will start with bullshitting Tarot, which you can learn more about by consulting wikiHow.

Female Bullshit 2[edit]

Females love to lie, and only respect you if you lie well. Within minutes - or seconds - of the start of conversation, a female will always tell you something egregiously untrue. This is "the bullshit test". You must call her on it. If you do not, then you are a nice guy and she will never respect or fuck you.

Tarot Mindcontrol[edit]

Do not look so scared, Tarot was invented last week by Kabbalah, (those crazy jews) to control their women. It's obviously working. Look at how cash they are raking in from Madonna. I want you to look at the following three Tarot cards.

Tell the girl that the first card shows her past and the last card is the future. Remember the idea is to tell her what you want them to do. However look at each picture and imagine and cool story but keep it vague.

Example I[edit]

Your annoying fat boss at work called Morrine who will not get off your back.

..look Morrine what the cards are saying is that you should get off your fucking fat ass change your surroundings, and, you're feeling troubled about something go on holiday to Africa, and next to Mount Kilamanjaro you will find your true love.

Ok that's fatso Morrine taken care of, if she gets some surpise sex at Kilamanjaro, that is not the fault of Uncyclopedia!

Example II[edit]

That girl you really want to bone, her name is Lucy. Luckily Lucy is really fucking stupid. She claims to be a `fire sign`. You have no idea what fire sign is yet, but don't be put off.

Wow! Lucy these cards are really amazing! I had the exact same cards yesterday morning!

This is a good start. New Age dorks believe that talking about things equals scientific truth, so you're already in there. Then explain that in her past she really believed in something, then currently is lost as the swords represent confusion, and saything that the number six is always a `mixed card` then explain that her soul partner is within her grasp. Oh and your a fire sign? Of course fire signs are associated with the High Priestess and Swords! Isn't that spooky!"

If that does not work tell her you can see her angel and that it looks like Rodney Dangerfield.

More Tarot Mindcontrol Info[edit]

Don`t use stories that involve Steven Segal, girls will get suspicous of your abilities. The different symbols like Swords or Penticles or Knuckledusters and their different numbers all mean somthing however I`ve learn after years of fooling tourists in London that you can say anything.

What if they try to answer back and prove me wrong?

Claim its better to keep it simple, thats what your gypsy Grandfather told you. Or just threaten to curse her.

Scare them its fun!

Astrology Mindcontrol[edit]

Astrology was also invented by the Kabbalah Jews to control women. It's like tarot, however less pictures and more starry nights. The most scientific proof that rocks in space control our thoughts is that you can use the full moon as a good nightlight and that eclipses are scary because it looks like the sun is being eaten. The fact that the `experts` keep rewriting what planet influences what, every 10 years show how useless the system is; particularly given how the Earth goes through it's 26,000 year {w|Axial precession}} cycle, causing with the intersection between celestial equator and the ecliptic to have moved west by 36 degrees over 2000 year, making your zodiac sign off by a month.

Lets speed things up:

  • Fire - Aries, Leo and Sagitarius. Sadistic optimists.
  • Earth - Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn. Lazy bastards with no character.
  • Air- Gemini, Libra and Aquarius. Not really anything worth talking about.
  • Water- Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. "Sensitive" They can`t stop crying. Slap her across the face.
  • Void - Ophiuchus. Non existent.

Also if someone`s planet is in their constellation it means her head is about to explode. Stand back.

Some webpages also connect Astrology with parts of your body, colours and types of rock. This just show how far some people go to try and control women's fashion!

The sun is very useful is astrology, if you don`t like the person, tell them to look directly at the sun, that teaches them not to be so trustful.

Bloodtype Mindcontrol[edit]

I thought this article is about Women, not den Führer!

Now we're on to our last hurdle of mind control and world domination. Good for you sport!

In Asia, girls ask you what bloodtype you are. I`m O+, however every time I say that I get a different reply!

You will notice how vague the following information is!

  • Type A: Conservative, introverted, reserved, or Obsessive, stubborn, self conscious and uptight.
  • Type B: Creative, passionate, animal-loving, optimistic, flexible and individualistic or Forgetful, irresponsible, and self-centered.
  • Type C: Cool, controlled, rational, introverted and empathic or Aloof, critical, indecisive and unforgiving.
  • Type O NEGATIVE: Ambitious, athletic, robust and self-confident. Natural leaders or Arrogant, vain, insensitive and ruthless. Goth rock.

As you might suspect, Asian vampires are very picky about whose blood they suck.