HowTo:Catch and Prepare a Lobster

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~ Oscar Wilde on lobsters

Hello, common consumer! Do you enjoy long walks on the beach? Do you have a shameful magnet fetish? Have you ever wanted to prepare a succulent lobster dinner for that special some one?--pfft. How about a lobster dinner for one? *pause for response* Great!

Catching a Lobster[edit]

Materials for Catching a Lobster[edit]

  • Coastal region
  • Magnet
  • Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (optional)

George W. BushwASH

Preparing a Lobster[edit]

Materials for Preparing Captured Lobster[edit]

1. Preparation[edit]

Wow! Great work! You're #1!

Warning! Handling a Beaked Lobster is Dangerous![edit]

  • These lobsters have antennae but don't grab them
  • Once a lobster is detached from the magnet, keep magnet out of lobster's reach.
    • If magnet is present, there is a chance the lobster can utilize it to repel itself across the room, jumping to your face to mercilessly claw your ear and bite your eye. !Ear and eye protection is recommended!

If you want to be a wuss, put on the ear muffs and goggles. BE A MAN.

*Put on ear muffs and goggles... :'( *

2. Subdue the lobster[edit]

Great job! Now remove the magnet from the lobster and place it out of the lobster's reach, perhaps in Yaffa. Before the lobster regains consciousness take the pot and smash off its beak, rendering it powerless..*...ok*..Great! But that lobster's pretty hungry too-- it traveled a few thousand miles by public transportation. So take a rabbit and force it through the lobster's mandibles. Rabbit made of steel. Lobster has a beak. While it's digesting poke the lobster every 2-3 minutes for an hour to ensure that its cutlets are tender. *pause for hour* Nice work, but the lobster is regaining consciousness!

3. Is this humane?[edit]

Don't question the instructions, consumer!! Of course it's humane! The French even make fois gras by tickling the geese's necks with metal bars as they eat...LOL. Now let's hold the lobster by the tail over the pot of boiling water. Wait a little to let it understand why it is over a pot, and what the near future holds. *How is this humane...?* Great! Now drop it like it's hot!

4. It's red because it's happy! :)[edit]

See now the lobster is dancing in the pot because he's so happy! That boiling water is giving him an all over red tan. Dance, everybody dance! *no pause for dancing, you can dance while reading* Watch the dancing happy kirbys:

( >'.'~ )> <( ~'.'~ )> (^ ~'.'~ ^) <( ~'.'< )

Remember why you are doing this to the lobster. Think of the hell it put you through to get to New Jersey, let alone forcing you to spend time in Jersey. Remember how you got to Jersey? Expensive means of transportation. Why? So you could get this lobster.

Good Job!

5. Eat[edit]


Silent screams of the lobster still haunt you at night? Clear your conscience with our other HowTo's

1. Lobster 2. New Jersey 3. Magnets 4. ??? 5. Profit!!!