HowTo:Break up with your imaginary girlfriend
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
So life has been going great. You've been seeing this girl; she's smart and funny and smoking hot and she absolutely adores every single thing about you, from your playfully quirky unibrow and your generous rolls of belly insulation, to your fly bachelor pad in your parents' basement. Perhaps its even the fact that she still loves you, despite your inability to do it.
But then things start to turn sour. Maybe you meet a real live person who knows even more about Star Trek than you do (yeah right!). Maybe you don't trust her when she tells you how cute your backne is. Maybe you just can't deal with constantly having to make excuses for why she's not around or why you don't have any good pictures of her. Whatever the case, the fantasy has come to an end and it's time to find a new dream to pursue.
Are You Sure?
Be absolutely sure that you want to go through with this. Once you break up with a girl it's over; there's no turning back. You might think that you can just conjure up some other hot babe but trust me, if that's what you think then you're living in a fantasy world.
You're sure, right? Right!? Good; let's move on.
All that shit your parents fed you about honesty being the "best policy"? Well, that's complete bullcrap; however, it seems to work rather well with this. If you're sick of living out the same old routine night after night, then bring that up. If you've suddenly developed a taste for Japanese girls in sailor outfits, then mention that. Heck, if you're deathly afraid of spending the rest of your life with the girl of your dreams (see above), then just come out and say it. No matter how much you might want to avoid a scene or how crappy you think your reasoning is, just remember: sooner or later the truth always comes out. And when it does, do you want to be the one who gets caught with his proverbial pants around his ankles? I think not.
So you've just told her it's over, and now she's on her knees crying. What's next? Do you comfort her? Tell her it's all right? Literally kick her while she's down? It's really up to you to decide, but once you're done, get the hell away from her, as, upon break up, most women summon an estrogen explosion that not even God Himself could temper. Do NOT take advantage of the fact that she is on her knees, unless you are prepared to repeat the whole process over again. And remember, she's imaginary, it's not worth it... well maybe... NO! NOT WORTH IT!
So, after math class (what'd you think I meant?) the next day, go home and try to drown your woes in a gallon of ice cream. Whatever you do, though, do not think about her! For the love of God, don't!
Gettin' Back in the Game
So, it's been a while, and you're ready to step up to the plate again. First, calm yourself. Imagine you're lying on a beach with sand as white as the girl next to you. You imagine that she cuddles up to you; she feels your pain and gives you emotional support and... oh shit! No! No! God fucking damnit, no! Oh well; you're pretty much fucked at this point; click here for advice on what to do.
You broke up with her, but she won't leave, or she still has all her stuff at your place. You can sell her stuff for imaginary money, and if she's still there then you can tie her up and have the kind of sex that you only dreamed about having with an imaginary girl!
She's gone, but still has the key to your place, and she's mad as hell with you. Well, this one is a tough one, because even if you change the locks she can still get in through the water pipes and grab your balls while you're taking a dump. You're going to have to try really hard at imagining her gone, try even harder!
She's gone, and she took some of your stuff and you don't know where she lives now! Well, if you imagine her out of existence, then your stuff goes with her, so think about that one, smart guy. You will have to imagine her so hard that you can then find her and get your stuff back, but then there she is again, in your life. So you might have to let the stuff go. If you can't let the stuff go, then imagine her back as a better and prettier girlfriend.