HowTo:Be a gamer

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Ok, you've finally picked up your first gaming console and your estatic that now, you'll finally become a full-fledged gamer! Well, unfortunately for you, it isn't that simple. To become a gamer, there is much more you must do.

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Part 1: Schedule[edit]

To be a gamer, you first must have a schedule. Every gamer has a schedule, with some being physical and some being mental. It is recommended that when making your schedule, you put your gaming at the beginning and all miscellaneous things (anything else than being a gamer and pigging out) at the very, very, VERY bottom. This is to ensure that you maximize your gaming time. Here's an example of the typical gamer schedule:

my l33t sch3du1e!!!

Perfect example of a gamer.

5:00 AM - wake up

5:00 PM - start playing sum ep1c g4m3s!!11

5:01 PM - eat sum p1zza rOlls!!!!!!!!

5:02 PM - continue playing

12:00 PM - jack off to sum h0t an1me gurls!!!

12:20 AM - continue playing COD!!!

4:00 AM - Go to bed!11!

As you can see, being a gamer is quite eventful, and this makes schedules useful. Schedules are like cages. It takes the inner man inside you and turns it into a sissy boy who can't do jack for shit.

Part 2: Appearance[edit]

As all people know, you need to look the part. At a minimum, slouch over a couch with empty chip bags surrounding you. make sure there are a lot of crumbs, making sure that there's some from a few months ago, to emphasize how much of a slob and couch potato you are. But we are merely scrapping the surface. To really look the part, you must do much more than just have a few crumbs here and there. You need a musk. You need a BO so shitty, so disgusting, that people will instantaneously know who you are and that you are serious. A serious gamer. This smell can't any old smell, oh no. It must be a smell that has been developed and honed to its maximum stinkiness. Though the road to this will be difficult and strenuous, it will be worth the effort.

Part 3: Skills[edit]

Now, we move on to your skills or dexterity. This is one of the most important lessons you will be taught as a gamer.

Physical Dexterity[edit]

While as a gamer you must have elite skills and must be fluent in 1337, you as a actual human must have subpar abilities in sports and everything else but gaming. You must have shitty cooking skills, so that you only buy fast food and takeout. You must have shitty sport skills, to the point where simply walking is impossible. You, ABSOLUTELY, must have terrible and utterly abhorrent social skills, to the point people stay far, far, FAR away from you. Make sure you all the girls (even when she technically isn't one) are disgusted by your existence. If they simply think your annoying or weird, show them your dark side, if ya know what I mean, and that will make them disassociate with you even more, going to the point of cutting you out of their yearbooks.

Virtual Dexterity[edit]

As they say, practice makes perfect. As a gamer you must always practice your 1337 g4m3r skills. you must also be able to speak 1337. Speaking 1337 is very vital, as it differentiates you from the n00bs. You don't wanna be a n00b do you? Of course you dont. Even n00bs don't wanna be n00bs. Anyway, to be a great gamer, you also need a cool username.

How to pick out a username[edit]

Picking out a username can be a bit hard, but with this guide, it will be a piece of cake.

  1. To start things off, we need a Xx
  2. Now you need to choose an adjective, or if you are feeling a bit risky, a bona fide noun.
  3. To follow the adjective (or noun, whatever you picked) you need a a proper noun.
  4. Alright, now to be an epic gamer, you HAVE to and I mean HAVE to (or else you may face up to 10 years prison time) have to add either 69 or 420 or hell, even both. I don't judge.
  5. To end things, finish your username with xX

Part 4: Setup and equipment[edit]

If your setup doesn't look like this, then you're not a real gamer. Sorry, not sorry.

Everybody (including the non-gamer) knows that the more RGB you have, the better you are as a gamer. I mean, it's even been scientifically proven. So, if it glows, put it on your desk, or floor, or whatever surface you are using to game on. Also, you need three monitors. If you only have one, then you are either a n00b or work in an office... Anyway, make sure you have these:

  • RGB keyboard
  • RGB mouse
  • RGB mousepad
  • RGB strips around your room and the back of your desk
  • RGB fans, strips, CPU cooler, RAM sticks and anything else that lights up that you can put in your PC case
  • RGB headset (yes those exist, don't ask me why)
  • RGB headphone stand
  • Three gaming monitors
  • An epic gaming PC that cost you your right kidney

Part 5: Games[edit]

Your journey is almost complete. If you have followed all the steps so far, you will now be sitting in front of your PC, or Xbox or GayStation or Wii (if you still have that, I mean just get a Switch). So back on track, you are sitting in front of your gaming system of choice and you have nothing to play. Now, since you have probably spent your entire life savings on just your peripherals, you won't be able to get all the new games since they cost $100 (AUD) or $60 (USD) or whatever currency you use. This leaves you with two options;

  1. Only get and play free games
  2. Sell your other kidney

If you choose option 1, I suggest you play these games and start your adventure to become the most ep1c of g4m3r5.

For those that have the guts (minus two kidneys) and chose option 2, pickup these games:

You have became a gamer[edit]

Congrats! You are now a gamer. I mean, even your grandmother can be legally called a gamer if she plays Candy Crush on her iPad. So enough reading and get back to gaming. Loser.