HowTo:Be a Santa rapist

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So how's your sex factor? Incredibly low, right? That penis you have is practically pumping itself for another victim. So what's the problem? You're bitch, that's the problem. Well, no worry, for you've bumped into me, a master of indulgence in pleasure, and I'm happy to say, even if you're little bitch, I'm always glad to help! Well, it looks like you're a bitch, so getting a girl is hopeless. But that's ok. I've got a plan. Before that, you're probably rolling your eyes and like-


Well, I do! And the only way to please your penis again is to rape a girl. A hot one. And what do all hot girls like? Yes, that's right, they all like Santa Claus. Who wouldn't? With his bushy beard and beautiful eyes, he's got the looks. And the money too. I mean, who fucking wastes his money on one whole night giving presents to little adorable kids all over the world?

So you've got it now. Dress up like Santa. And leave the rest to me.

Step 1[edit]

Isn't the Christmas Spirit wonderful?

You got the dressing up ready, right? Alright, now give me your best serial rapist look. And when I say best, I mean the best fucking best rape face in the Universe. Yes, that's it...

Fuck yes! That's the spirit! So you've got a good serial rape face. Good. Now on to step 2.

Step 2[edit]

Get a sack. A brown one if you can. Why you ask? Because brown rises the sex factor of opposite parties if faced together, you idiot. It's medically proven, so stop whining like a little bitch and get a fucking brown sack. And I advice you to put in a shit load of stuff there. After all, who the fuck crawls into your house dressed up like Santa and yet have a sack with nothing to give you? Now, with the sack, you look just like a seemingly innocent Santa Claus. Well done.

I fucking told you to stop whining, and where the fuck is your shirt?

Step 3[edit]

Now you've got everything ready. Now get a house where you know, and I mean really know, where a chick is. Now here's the difficult part. You don't go out in the day because it's just not right. And besides, Santa doesn't go out in the day, unless he really wants to rape the living shit out of you, which is your motive. And the last thing you want is little girls bitching over your time and outfit and how they will call the police and bla bla bla-'SO'! Don't fucking do it. Not in the day. Fuck no.

Step 4[edit]

So it's night and you're now in front of some hot chick's house? Good. Ok, now all you have to -


'FUUUUUUUCKKKKK!!!!FUCK NO! SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITHSITSHITSHIT FUCKFUCKFUCK NONONONONONNONONONONONONOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!' Who the fuck told you to ring the doorbell, bitch? Santa Claus doesn't climb through chimneys for nothing, asshole. You haven't actually applied pressure to the doorbell, right? Fuck, you did? No? Good. I'm fucking relieved, Santa doesn't ring shit, ok? Man, I was so 'Fucking' shitty I'm perspiring right now, thanks bitch, you owe me a fucking big time. Screw your shit, one more mistake and I'm out. Fuuuuuckkkkk, man I'm so fucking worried right now.

Step 5[edit]

Alright, chimmney, ok? Remember that, dude. Alright, how do we get up? Oh right, the rope. Wait, no shit, ropes are for gays. Jump on the window ledges! Yeah, that's how a pro does it, so get on with it, fuckface.

Step 6[edit]

Right, now into the hole. What hole? Chimney hole, you dumbass. Get the rop- oh ya rope are for gays FUCK I nearly forgot, quick jump through it! Quietly, of course. With stealth. Slowly, yes slowly. Wait, what the fuck is your problem, get in!

At a time like this? You must be shitting out of my fuck.

Step 7[edit]

That's right, the hot chick's behind the curtains. She's all yours!

Now! Squeeze in, squeeze! 'FUCK' squeeze!!!!! That's good, you're in. Now my turn-'HUP!', ok good. Ok, bro, now's your time. I hear faint water....aha! Seems like the chick is showering. Slowly, in to the bathroom. Seems pretty decent, but you're supposed to focus on the bathroom. Ah, there she is...

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!'

Great. Now since she can't see you, you can take off your shirt. Slowly, like a boss. Ah, that's the spirit. Maintain that serial rapist face! Now...take that off. Forget about the police. Forget about prison. Just slowly relish the feeling as you pull off that curtain and...'GO!' Yeah, baby OH WHAT THE FUCK-



Fuck you Uncyclopedia. Fuck you. Fuck you. I'm helping you now, creating an article and helping a dickhead who has absolutely no hope anymore. Fuck fuck fuck you.

Fuck everything you stand for Uncyclopedia. That scene...has affected me deeply. I'm probably going bat fuck insane. Fuck you Uncyclopedia.

'FUCK'. 'YOU'. You owe me big time. I'm not going to waste any more shit time on this. Thanks for the inconvenience. That was just what I needed for my career. I'm not giving a single fuck about the articles you need. You gave me shit. Pure shit.

Fuck you. Goodbye.