Hairy-side slap

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“Go on then, have another pop”

~ Oscar Wilde on dry slaps

A hairy-side slap is something at which to marvel. What is most remarkable is that they don't occur more. What better way to greet some of your friends or family than with a fierce blow to the chops with the back of your hand? Kids, you may need some help from your parents.

We're all friends here...[edit]

When was the last time you ended up in hospital? If you're from Portsmouth, then you don't need to answer. And you probably couldn't. Waking up on a drip can be extremely thirst-quenching, especially with a hangover, so you could imagine the rumble of joy in your stomach if you remembered having seven shades of happiness back-handed out of you the night before. For some people, facing the thought of a night-out without marring someone's life is pretty tough. Historically, physically, metaphorically, literally, actually, basically, really, truthfully, figuratively, tautologically, simply, essentially, the only way one can deal with such a terrible lack of appropriate nightlife is to embrace the back-hander.

The Beginnings[edit]

It is not known when the hairy-side slap was first used, as this would require an abnormal knowledge of everything. One could make something up, but I don't think this is the message one wants to send out to the youth. Besides which, this is a serious article. Flicking through a few dusty storybooks, I came across a wonderfully bound (if not, a little 'wordy') yarn called the Bible. Cleverly, the title means 'book'; a self-reflexive masterpiece, no? One of the main characters was called God - supposedly the creator of the universe in which we live. A bit OTT, no? He certainly dished out a few back-handers, and is now my religious leader. I don't know whether it's the wine that's talking, but I'd really like to fight some people with God at my side. But hey! God's not the only one who licks the back of his hand as he walks out the door...

Famous Back-Handerers[edit]

Come on, lighten up![edit]

Some people say 'wotcha', some people fall over on purpose for a laugh, and some people pretend to cough when there's a smoker in their country. Why oh why do they not just slap people about? It's the only way people learn. How many times have you heard the phrase, 'My gran used to get hit with a wet sock at school if she spelt guv'ner incorrectly, and it never did her any harm'? Well that's just lies. She should have been back-handed swiftly and precisely across the forehead in order for her arithmetic to become mental - and not in a South London way. It's an artistic fact.

“It's true, you know”

~ Andy Warhol on Shock Back-Hand Treatment

Eeeee! That was a stinger.[edit]

People throughout history (of all places) have enjoyed serving pain up on their fuzzy flesh plates. But let's spare a thought for the people who just had to enjoy the facial pangs synonymous with the open-fist punch. Roman slaves are famous for getting their back-hands dirty - i mean, for God's sake, whole stadiums were built for the soul purpose of watching seasoned slappees. A round of applause has been misinterpreted again and again as being a congratulatory noise. Originally it was started as a taunt for the slaves and gladiators who wimped out and used the palms of their hands for slapping. Some people just aren't cut out for this severe blend of entertainment. Later on in civilisation people just kept getting the wrong idea...

What? Am I not supposed to...Oh...Sorry[edit]

  • Boxing
  • Mugging
  • Self-slapping
  • Football
  • Swearing
  • Joking
  • Criticizing
  • Table tennis (almost there guys - just lose the equipment)
  • Huffing/sighing
  • Bawling
  • Dadaism