Grandfather clause

Grandfathers such as this one would be sent to Antarctica under the Grandfather clause.

The grandfather clause was a section of the United States Constitution, included in early drafts of the Constitution but removed prior to it's final passage. The clause was proposed by Benjamin Franklin. The clause's main purpose was to cut down on the number of shitty drivers by sending all grandfathers to America's Old People Facility in Antarctica. Widely known as one of his pet peeves, Ben Franklin hated driving behind slow-ass drivers like Abraham Lincoln's grandfather, George Washington.

The Original Text

Thanks to Ben Franklin's excellent diary skills, we can still see what was originally proposed:

Let it be known that any man who has over three score of years shall be exiled from this country and sent to the Old People Facility, located in Kansas City, Antarctica. Any man who fails to leave upon reaching the age of 60 shall receive punishment, including but not limited to:

• Daily re-enactments of Grease, as performed by Betsy Ross and Thomas Jefferson, for up to 90 days.
• A spanking by Dick Cheney.
• Fines of not less than $69,696,969.
• Imprisonment, including sharing a cell with Bill O'Reilly and Keith Olbermann.

Wording of the Clause

It is important to note the specific wording of the clause. Specifically, the word "man" should be considered. Given the time period the clause was proposed, "man" refers to:

• White men
• Black men with only one arm or one leg
• Chimps and other apes
• Rosie O'Donnell

Who Isn't Included

Elsewhere in the Constitution, it explicitly mentions who is not included in the word "man." These people include, among others:

• Women
• Blacks with both arms and legs still intact
• Spongebob Squarepants
• Any man who exempts from being considered a man

Exemptions

Those who don't obey the fucking clause might have to listen to Justin Bieber for 23 hours a day.

As previously mentioned, any man could file for exemption from being considered a man, thus being spared from being sent to live with the penguins. Priority for this exemption was given to bartenders, barbers, and male prostitutes. At the bottom of the list (those least likely to be granted exemption) were doctors, policemen, and any man whose last named was Bush.

The Grandfather Clause Today

In 2010, the National Transportation Safety Board found that the number of shitty drivers over the age of 60 in the US increased by over 47.5% from the last survey two years prior. After hearing of this news, President Obama created a special committee to review the grandfather clause as a possible amendment to the Constitution. The committee found the clause to be discriminatory, and so they included the following revisions. The punishments were also modernized accordingly.

Let it be known that any man, woman, or American Idol contestant who has over three score of years shall be exiled from this country and sent to the Old People Facility, located in Kansas City, Antarctica. Any man, woman or American Idol contestant who fails to leave upon reaching the age of 60 shall receive punishment, including but not limited to:

• Daily re-enactments of The Vagina Monologues, as performed by Hillary Clinton and Condoleezza Rice, for up to 180 days.
• A spanking by Tiger Woods.
• Fines of not less than $69,696,969,696,969.69.
• Imprisonment, including a solitary cell that plays Justin Bieber's "Baby" on repeat for 23 hours a day. In German.

The current proposal is up for debate in the Senate and is expected to pass. If the amendment is added to the Constitution, strict enforcement can be expected, and you can also look forward to a less stressful commute.