Crazy foreigner down the street
“Oh ho ho! Is funny 'cause that's not how American pronounce it!”
“In Soviet Russia, Foreigner fears YOU!!”
The crazy foreigner down the street moved into the neighborhood recently. He lives in an old house where a nice old man who used live. That old man used to offer the boys on the street candy, but one day the police showed up at the old man's house and took him away for impromptuing, or something like that. You were just about to ask your mother where he went when a moving van pulled up and these people who were wearing their bedsheets started ordering the movers around. Your mother said they were from another country, and that you shouldn't try to talk to them or go near the house because the man of the house looked crazy. You asked her which country he was from, but your mom said she didn't know and go wash your hands before supper was ready.
The prick.
His Personality and Appearance[edit]
The crazy foreigner acts very strangely. He never seems to come out of his house wearing anything except a gross old stained Hanes underwear tee and a pair of boxer shorts. He has a lot of hair which never seems to be washed, an untrimmed mustache, and coarse, black hair all over his body. In the few times when you've been close to him, you've determined that he smells like the bathroom at school, especially after the fat kid has been in there on tuna salad day.
He mows his lawn every day even though there's no grass left on it, uses loud power tools all night long, and saws boards in half for no reason -- he's definitely not building anything.
Whenever you go near his house, you smell some kind of weird spice that burns your nose, but you've learned not to go near his house. If you do, he races out onto his porch in his stained underwear and screams a nonsensical combination of English and some other language at you. He knows all the English cursewords, but he can't use them right.
The Fourth of July Incident[edit]
Last year, on the Fourth of July, when you and your dad were setting off fireworks, he ran out his house and screamed, "Eat my fuck! You are bastard man, I getting to calling policia!" at the two of you. Your dad said he was going to make a call, and the next day a van showed up with the letters "INS" on it.
After that, the crazy foreigner guy disappeared for a few days, but then he came back. Whenever he sees you, he waves his circle saw at you menacingly and shouts, "Ha ha, I tricks you, you dumb cook!" Some of your other neighbors called the police on him, but you think the police might be in on it with him -- like they're from the same can't-speak-English country he's from. They just stand in the lawn and laugh and talk to him, all the while he's of course sawing boards in half for no reason.
Even though he doesn't have any living grass or flowers around his house, he always seems to come home with lots of fertilizer from the Home Depot. He doesn't keep it in his yard our around his house. Sometimes you wonder if he has a garden inside his house.
Keep an Eye On Your Womans[edit]
Almost universally, the crazy foreigner up the street will take a special interest in the women in the neighborhood, who he refers to as "you woman", "you womans" and "your womans". In a situation where conversation with a female who lives on your street might occur, he begins all of his sentences with "In my country..."
Whenever he sees them out and working in their yards, he's been known to approach them from behind, drip some of his natural sweat on them to announce his arrival, and then state "In my country, you would be treated like one of my many princesses." He has also reportedly told one woman on your street that "In my country I could sell you for a water oxen and two goats for breeding."
When asked about his wife, who no one will ever see without her native dress on (making her appear like a lavender clad Cousin Itt), the foreigner has but one witty retort: "Ez none of yer beesness." This is especially true after first moving to the neighborhood he asked your father "What tree gives best branch for whipping your wife to use on her?"
What did Jew do?[edit]
For relaxation, crazy foreigner males are known to sit on the front porch and use a hookah, which really is an unsanitary thing for these guys to do. Its also ironic that while they have no qualms wrapping their lips around the same mouth piece, they would never consider wrapping their mouths around any part of their buddies bodies.
There is always an uneasy feeling when they’re out there, because of the way they look anyone else doing anything else, like cutting the lawn or hanging out. Its like their scoping everyone out to figure out which of the neighbors they could sell for three goats – two for breeding and one to make sweet love to.
They think everybody on your block is Jewish. They’re always making cracks like “Hey, Jew, geet off my landskepping,” and “Jew know what, I no like Jew.”