Counties of England
Counties of England are the principal regions dividing the country of England. Each county has its own administrative sub-government, which are known as "another excuse to pay more tax." Counties are divided into districts, which are responsible for minor issues no one cares about (according to the government) such as preventing road deaths and huge bills when hitting pot-holes, preventing waste clogging up the streets, and everyone dying when a zombie apocalypse occurs. Thus the districts are given minimal funding to do anything. England comprises 83 counties. The most notable counties are North Yorkshire, East Riding of Yorkshire, South Yorkshire and West Yorkshire, thanks to the fact that only people in Yorkshire seem to think that counties actually matter.
Modern counties[edit]
Despite mass migration of people from the North one county to the South-East another in recent years, the modern counties of England still hold very separate cultures and powerful traditions.
Yorkshire[edit]
West Yorkshire, North Yorkshire, East Riding of Yorkshire, South Yorkshire
Yorkshire was split into four counties to try to disperse the Yorkshire Independence Party. The people of the York are the least religious people in the World, outside Los Angeles. Their substitute for religion is adoration of the Duke of York and the last righteous King of England, Richard III of the House of York. Yorkshire still has its own regiment in the British Army — simply refered to as "The Yorkies," as are the Terriers of the region. The regiment's motto is, "If there's no enemy to be seen, then just beat up the Lancastrians."
The Home Counties[edit]
Berkshire, Buckinghamshire, Bedfordshire, Hampshire, Surrey, Kent, Hertfordshire, East Sussex, West Sussex
The Home Counties are what is left of the old Rotten Boroughs of England. Their diverse population comprises both white, middle-class people who speak in BBC English and white, middle-class people who speak in silver-spooned English. People from the Home Counties are proud of where they come from, and so search desperately for a family link from a nicer county. Not only do the Home Counties receive the least public spending of all the counties but they also pay the least amount of tax, as most inhabitants are friends of the government.
The Home Counties centre around London and provide a place to commute from into London and yet still allow the population to pretend and feel that they live in rural humble dwellings where flora and cows exist.
The West Country and Borderlands[edit]
Dorset, Devon, Cornwall, Gloucestshire, Somerset, Shropshire, Heredfordshire, Cheshire, Staffordshire, Wiltshire
The agricultural mainstay of England once lay in the counties in the West of England. Now its bumper crop is a large unemployed population that celebrates Pagan festivals, mostly sustained on the tourism income of Stone henge. The areas of poverty are divided by the Cotswolds, largely inhabited by Gentlemen Farmers, ex-Conservative MPs and TV presenters who still think they are farmers. The Cotswolds are also home to a big sporting tradition, celebrated each year at the Cotswold Olimpick Games.
East Anglia[edit]
Norfolk, Suffolk, Essex, Lincolnshire, Cambridgeshire
East Anglia is the coast where the Danish Angles settled. A clever tourist industry has converted the decades of Viking raids, pillages, and raping into stories of brave Vikings beating up evil Anglo-Saxons and having adventurous journeys such as accidently discovering America (along with the Chinese, the Venetians, the Ancient Egyptians, the Aboriginees and any other civilisation whose history has been partially lost).
Flat and featureless East Anglia now has the lowest standard of education in the United Kingdom. But its boggy, lowland geography assures that, with a few more years of rising sea levels, East Anglia will be underwater and will cede to the West Country the honour of intellectual Last Place. East Anglia will become a giant offshore wind turbine farm that will blow all the polluted air in the North of England out to sea.
The Midlands[edit]
Leicestershire, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Warwickshire, Rutland, West Midlands, Northamptonshire, Oxfordshire
The Midlands is the heartland of England, full of trees, grass, rivers, pubs and Birmingham. Birmingham is called the City of Dreams, dreams being the only pastime able to take one's mind off Birmingham.
Derby's crucial role in English history was to invent not just the Brown Derby (pictured) but the Donkey Derby, an event held at every village fayre across the country. The American rodeo event "Bucking Bronco" was inspired by the Donkey Derby. However, it uses horses instead of Derby Donkeys, and its name does not use the word Derby.
Londoners view the Midlands as the vague, blurry area that a Virgin Mainline express train has to cross to get between London and York. They believe that, in the Midlands, time travels twice as fast. The main source of employment in the Midlands is to clear the excrement off the track when Virgin's premier facilities are used during the transit.
The North-West and North[edit]
Cumbria, Lancashire, Northumbria, Tyne and Wear, Durham
The North-West has constantly been immersed in a war zone, thanks to the wars between the English and Scots. For this reason the North-West countryside is ravaged of everything but B and Bs for American tourists and the locals spend a quarter of the time in each year rebuilding Hadrian's Wall yet again.
In the Southern parts of the North-West lie Greater Manchester and Liverpool, the capitals of industrial Britain and the only two cities in the country still to only provide canals and railways for transportation and not roads.
History of counties[edit]
Anglo-Saxon Counties[edit]
The nomenclature of Anglo-Saxon counties reflects the main activity that occurred during the period of the Dark Ages. After the collapse of the Roman Empire: philosophy, architecture, pseudoscience were no longer viable activities and so people reverted to the good old pastime of reproduction. Where you did your reproduction was important as the more reproduction that occurs in one area, the larger the area's army will be to attack another area, to prohibit their sexual enjoyment.
The people of the North of England who inhabited the Anglo-Saxon county of Nosex, as in modern times, were a strange lot and didn't practice the sexual routine at all. This led to a rapid diminishing of the population in the North of England and produced a breed of of Englishmen who were proud to work down filthy mines with their comrades instead of enjoying the bourgeoisie pleasures of sexual sensation that causes the class division of English society.
Justsex was home to a large Danish contingent who introduced Dane Law. Dane Law set the rules for how one was to go about performing the sexual routine and who to do the sexual routine with as well. These laws still cause problems in the free society of England today.
Georgian and Victorian Counties[edit]
During the Georgian Era the number of counties in England dramatically increased. At some points there were as many as 200 counties in England altogether. The designations of these counties would change dramatically in accordance with each general election - coincidently. This made it mightily confusing to determine where any Englishman was from and also whether an MP had the same number of constituents as the MP of the borough next to him.
In the Victorian Era counties became a symbol of pride worn upon the sleeve of your uniform beneath the Union Flag, now stained with the blood of the soldier as he lies in a heap of bodies in the sweltering Sudanese Sun - unless of course you were from Yorkshire in which case the county would be named following the name of the buried miner.