Does the Pope shit in the woods?

Evidence to the positive

Does the Pope shit in the woods? This question has puzzled philosophers, theologians, journalists, plumbers and historians for centuries. There have been many allegations made, but recently released photos and a great deal of eyewitness testimony has proven that yes, he does.

Either way he takes his relief, sitting or squatting, when the Pope is in the woods and has to take a dump, he takes a dump. The question as posed asks if the pope routinely shits in the woods, and that answer to that too is Hell yes!.

Evidence

Conspiracy theorist Dan Brown confirms the rumours that the Pope did, in fact, shit in the woods at the Woodstock music festival in 1969. Documented by many reputable sources, including the movie crew filming the concert, it happened as Jimi Hendrix was playing his now infamous National Anthem. As Hendrix feedbacked into the second chorus His Holiness Pope Paul exulted an immense, ecclesiastically Biblical flood of excreta whilst amid a heavily wooded area, putting to shame all other faecal works of great holy pontiffs. Paul thus proved in extraordinary fashion - and within smelling distance of half-a-million nosewitnesses - that the theory of the Pope's possible outdoor-poop excursions is irrefutably true.

Also, this one time at band camp, the Pope thought it would be a good idea to take a trombone into the woods and dump into it. Only Heaven knows why. Although much stranger things have occurred in the Catholic Church, this was a first, and while it promptly inspired a poorly written skit on Saturday Night Live and led that evening's news throughout the western world, few people remember it.

Sightings

In a sidestory, but worth the telling, a paparazzi (or is it Pope-arazzi?) once took a picture of the pope busily masturbating in the Papal bathroom. The Pope bought the camera off the photographer for 5m lira, and forgave her for committing the mortal sin of voyeurism without participation. A few days later the pope came across the camera, and figured he might as well use up the rest of the film. So, while snapping a few pics of St. Peters Square and asking a fan to take some of him posing in front of the obelisk, a priest in the crowd yelled "Nice camera you got there, your Holiness. How much did it set you back?" "5m lira," answered the pontiff. And the priest said "Whoa, somebody must have seen you coming!"

Now, back to the topic at hand.

An outhouse which medieval Popes often used is now usually occupied by a blond long-haired demon.

Throughout the centuries many people claim to have been looking out the window only to glimpse the Pope pooping outside, out back, near the edge of the woods, where the rubber meets the road, can't see the forest for the pees. Others have had much closer experiences, such as climbing a tree and looking down to see the Pope taking his forested papal dump, or going out in the woods for a pic-a-nic and the Pope walks up to within a few feet of them and does his business.

So whatever happens, bears should always be aware that they might not be alone when they take a dump-outta-da-rump in the woods - the Pope may be in the next glen over. And when in the woods yourself, keep your eyes peeled for the Pope. Remember too, as el papa does, that fuzzy little bunnies are always the best substitute for toilet paper.

As you might have guessed or seen on TV, there is a downside to all of this. There are often piles of steaming Pope excrement scattered about the woods, and many tourists and other philosophers have stepped in them. These piles can be scraped off the shoe with a twig, but their holy blessing remains for hours until the shoes are carefully washed in soap and water to remove any traces of the Pope.

Trivia

When voyaging to tours of foreign countries in the Papal Yacht (as flying gives the pontiff motion sickness), sources in the Vatican say that he often uses the Holy Sea as a personal bedpan.

And to properly finish this expose, we will end with a favorite saying of Jesus, a saying said to be hung on the wall in the Pope's bedroom:

"Mother Nature provides Her beautiful woods for us. To poop in Her woods honors and fertilizes Her creation."

Amen.

Related questions

Awaiting a private audience with His Holiness

• Is public urination a Mortal Sin?
• Is the bear Catholic?
• Would a bear shit in the Vatican?
• When the pope or the bear shits in the woods, and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound?