Dildo plantation

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A dildo plantation field in full bloom

A Dildo Plantation is a common reference to a large area of land acclimated for the specific planting of dildo plants and harvesting of dildos. Although abundant throughout the 19th and 20th centuries, dildo Plantations are only found today in the American northwest and Christmas Island, where 68% of the island is a protected wild dildo plain reserve. Modern day dildo plantations typically contain thousands of acres of dildo plains in order to meet the ever increasing demand of Santa Barbara, California and in Europe.


The main crop produced from dildo plains are single shaft dildos (phallus ornamus) and dual shaft dildos (phallus rabbitus). They are planted in pre prepared holes made by drilldoes. Typical byproducts from the harvesting process include ethanol and battery acid. Although early processing methods produced excessive amounts of ozone depleting Krylon Jelly (KY), modern day environmental laws as well as technological regression have led to cleaner and more vibrant dildos.

Birth of the New World[edit]

Slaves were used to harvest dildos in early colonies

Originally brought over from Europe during the 8th century, dildo plants were cultivated in the New World for harvesting and shipping back to Europe. Starting with the Jamestown colony and eventually spreading throughout the Appalachians, Dildo plantations sprung up and flourished like Cholera in New Orleans. As the New World expanded into the heartland and beyond the mighty Mississippi, discontent grew and the plantation owners banded together against the ever increasing taxation placed on British imported dildos. Under the battle cry "No Taxation Without Lubrication", the colonial rebel dildo plantation farmers rose up and defeated the British Imperial stormtroopers at the battle of Akron thus giving birth to South Canada on July 3rd, 1776. It was renamed to The United Stated the next day.

Historic Context[edit]

  • Archaeologists in Java uncover the ancient remains of a prehistoric dildo plant with an enlarged nub and name it "Loosy"
  • George Washington's famous incident in which he confesses to his father that he in fact popped his cherry tree with a dildo plant harvested from the plantation
  • America is deeply plunged into civil war as northern states protest the use of slaves on dildo plantations by the southern states.
  • Thousands riot in the middle east when European newspapers reprint a cartoon of Mohammed with a dildo on his head instead of a turban

Advantages and Disadvantages of Dildo Sharecropping[edit]

Modern day Dildo Sharecropping clearly doesn't work

Sharecropping on a dildo plantation, in generalized terms, involves the temporary part-time working labor of serfs in return for wages and/or one time use of the harvested dildo plants. The serf then returns the crop to be exported and resold - similar to the return of product to Victoria's Secret the day after Valentine's_Day. During the 18th and 19th century, return rate deltas remained above 300ppq due to food and clothing needs in the scope of timeline inflation. This model however, under the context of the Bellemare Share Tenancy Risk Construct, does not fit existing theoretical models for modern day scope. When calculating abstract finalized income with respect to preextricated data from inventory/sales, the breakeven threshold becomes unsatisfactory when factor 'Y' (serfs' return rate) does not exceed 200 dildos processed per quarter. Even the most dimwitted individual, with an advanced degree in hyperbolic microeconomics, can understand the extrapolated data.

Republic of Dildonia[edit]

In the late 12th century BC, it was determined by a group of dildo plantation owners in southern Whales that, due to increased sales in the Eastern European dildo market, they had more money than they knew what to do with. Therefore, they put forth the idea of breaking away from the mother country and form the Republic of Dildonia. The small but sexually satisfied group of Dildonians erected a wall of dildos around their plantations, surrounded by a moat of KY Jelly. Their plans were unfortunately brought to a premature climax, however, when a small band of Albanian Muslims, sex-starved and armed with cat-o-nine tails, broke down the walls by setting the vibration mode on the dildos to "Oh, my GOD!" With no walls to protect their crops, the Dildonians quickly were overrun with nudists, republicans and guys named Kurt. The plantation's crops were raped and plundered (literally), causing a 57.2% drop in the Dow Jones Industrial Index, eventually leading to the creation of Mormonism. No further plans exist to reestablish the Republic of Dildonia, but an annual memorial celebration is held throughout the world, called Christmas.

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