“Do-wha diddy, diddy dum, diddy doo...the diddy men ain't shit.”
There Can Only Be One, or Possibly Two
When John Lennon left Liverpool for the last time in 1968, he paused poignantly at the edge of Liverpool proper, turned to the assembled, tearful crowd, and exclaimed, “all you need is an annual contest to find the diddy,” before swaggering away, high on life and more LSD than any one person could safely consume in one sitting.
One of those girls, Mabel Threwtuppence, escaped the vicious hoeing unscathed. She took both Lennon’s cyrptic words and the skills she earned in dodging the wild swings of the mayor’s hoe and founded the school of martial arts known as Ken Do’dd in 1982.
What In the Sam Scratch is Ken Do’dd?
Ken Do’dd is the martial art that focuses on dodging gardening implements and returning the favor with a specially constructed tickle stick. It also involves copious amounts of devotion to mayoral abuse and internalized prayer, but prayer may only take place during the playing of "Hey Bulldog. "
Ken Do’dd has three levels of "skill":
- Diddy Cub (Beginner)
- Diddy 318i (Intemediate)
- Diddy Man (Expert)
Until 1997, practitioners of Ken Do'dd would descend annually on Liverpool and tickle the mayor to death with their tickle sticks, keeping the horrified Liverpudlians at bay with their revolting overbites and furrowed brows.
Finally, in 1998, mayor John Haversham-Maharbarata took a step his 15 predecessors had failed to do and asked Threwtuppence and her Diddy Men not to assassinate him with ticklesticks.
To everyone’s surprise (except Lennon, who had been dead for years), Threwtuppence agreed, but on the condition that the annual assassination could be replaced by a contest to crown the most powerful Diddy Man of them all. Sadly, no actual crown would be awarded.
And thus the Ultimate Diddy Man contest was born, held every year on your birthday.
The Ultimate Diddy Man and the Decline of Diddy
Initially very popular with the Ken Do’dd community, the UDM grew less and less popular with each passing year until 2004, when Mabel Threwtuppence passed away from complications due to a hedgehog overdose.
Ken Do’dd’s new master, Peter Threwtuppence, opened the contest to outsiders, provided they had “Diddy” somewhere in their name. Unfortunately, this attracted only Puffy “Sean” Diddly-Dang Doofus Combs, Bo Diddly, and Diddy Thong, and the contest suffered further.
Indeed, discussions are underway within the Ken Do’dd establishment to return to the old ways of tickling Liverpool’s mayor to death yearly.
Winners of the Ultimate Diddy Man
1999: Jonathan Carlyle Smyhe-Smith, Diddy Man
2000: Frederick Harold Runnywood Jackson, Diddy Man
2001: Jonathan Carlyle Smyhe-Smith, Diddy Man
2002: (contest cancelled due to the attack of an army of the undead lead by the zombie Lennon)
2003: F.F. John W.J. Farnsworth Young Lee, Diddy Man
2004: Peter Threwtuppence (son of Mabel), Diddy Man and Master of Ken Do'dd
2007, joe diddy, birmighham bloke with diddy.