Devin Townsend
“Soberity makes me write dull songs about reorganizing the knick knacks in my house.”
Devin Townsend was born of dwarven decent. His father, Bill Bailey, gave birth to him just outside of Canada in a mythical location known only as 'The Shire' to outside folk. He lived most of his life there with his father and elder brother, Gimilimili before back-packing to British Columbia in the west country. Here he met the German techno band - Die Wurzells - and soon found himself listening to a lot of German techno such as Aaron Karter, Kliff Richards and Das Kemikal Brothers.
It is thought this is where he picked up his strong communist views and turned into a total fucking psychopath.
Townsend looked up to Reggie Cantrell of Die Wurtzells as a mentor and an inspiration. Reggie's banjo skills were unprecedented and Townsend wanted to be just like him. As luck would have it there were plenty of orchards in British Columbia and Townsend quickly fashioned a stringed instrument from the wood of a near by apple tree, using the spinal cords of people who tried to scrump from his orchard as strings.
Reggie taught Townsend all he could about the banjo and the many other instruments that he had gained experience in over the years. When Townsend had completed his covert-ops training, Reggie presented him with a +20 fingerpick in early-age balding.
Townsend began to turn into a total fucking psychopath when his hair began to fall out from the hard work and usage of the + 20 fingerpick in early-age balding. For this reason he called in sick at the closest mental home he could find. Here he was trained how to focus his psychotic energy and use it as something positive. But he wasn't interested in that. He wanted the kick-ass hallucinogens that he was prescribed to take 5 times a day. Thus, he released the album Infinity, which is basically the biggest acid trip of an album, filled with so much flowery stoner-pop that you would wish that you were tripping on LSD. He was tripping so badly during the production of the album, he forgot to put clothes on for the photoshoots and the video of "Christeen," and bared it all for the fans.
Strapping Wee Lassie (SWL)[edit]
After a 50 year LSD binge, he returned back to the normal peoples world and founded the Death/Thrash/Industrial/Insanity metal band Strapping Wee Lassie. He wasn't to sure what kind of sound he was going for initially with this project and just sorta made it up as he went along. People dug it and threw their money at Devin for being so good at everything.
SWL is a band that focuses on themes of ponies, non-alcoholic beer, tissue paper, the rapid rise in mobile technology and Spandau Ballet. Their sound is known to rape and impregnate women in the nearby radius and also make men hard.
Everyone left Strapping Wee Lassie, as the band was being marketed as a comedy act rather than a death metal act. Byron Stroud hopped back on the Fear Factory bus and Gene Hoglan tagged along, blowing the tires on it as a result of their weights (plus Dino Cazares and Burton Bell). Jed went to Zimmers Hole, which he was in with Byron, Gene, and Satan himself (not Dave Grohl as in Tenacious D), which was ironically more of a comedy act than Strapping. Devin, in the meantime, wrote the sequel to their 2005 album Alien, which was actually about an alien this time on his search for coffee. The album sold roughly 51.2321 copies and nothing of value was added to the world.
The Devin Townsend Ego Trip[edit]
The Devin Townsend Ego Trip (D-TEG for shortness and coolness) is Devins attempt at going solo with other people. After his acclaimed success in SWL Devin began firing blanks. No, he had not run out of creative ideas for SWL, he was impotent. D-TEG used impressive technology to create not only a cure for his new-found impotence but a completely different style of sound wave that people found pleasurable to listen to. He labeled this new sound The Infinity Wave and packed 60 minutes of it onto a CD which he sold to the hobbit government. He made even more money out of this as was chuffed as monkies.
Devin's gimmick during concerts was to advertise free "weed" to anyone who attends. The fact is that everyone already shows up to his shows high and the weed is fake, therefore attendances were up in the 100,000s. Despite this fact, no one can remember how his music goes and none of his singles charted. Devin responded to this by saying "Ahh, I like it when people show up to my concerts, but they need to feel the music, instead of having it pass through them like fucking radioactive waves passing through the body".
The album Acceleration Evolution was about a fist fight he claimed to have had with Charles Darwin. And Synchestra was about a fist fight he claimed to have with Mozart. None of these were proven yet.
Other projects[edit]
Devin sings on Steve Vai's album Sex? No Religion, Please along with countless others.
In the late 1990s, Devin began collaborating with Metallica bassist Jason Newsted in a project called IR8. Jaymz Hetfehitler found out, and was fucking pissed that Jason wasn't devoting all of his time to Metallica's carefully calculated self-destruction. Devin ended his friendship with Newsted after being invited to do LSD at his house, in which he freaked him the hell out. Devin performed his best Hannibal Lecter impression, picking apart Jason's personality until there was nothing left but a shattered mess, then used that moment of weakness to touch him with Ziltoid.
Devin Townsend today[edit]
Ever since the dissolution of the infamous Strapping Wee Lassie and the D-TEG, every fan of his became pissed and crucified him in a manner similar to Jesus. Three days later, he came back to life and announced that he was bored with producing bands and that he was reforming SWL and D-TEG on April 1, 2008.
When fans found out it was an April Fools Prank, they crucified him again. This time, he came back to life (again) and proceeded to kill off every person that stepped onto his property. Only 120 (all of his fans) died and he walked back inside, just in time for dinner. In a memoriam to his dead fans, he proceeded to piss on all of their dead bodies and wanked on Gene Hoglan's boots, making it impossible for Strapping Wee Lassie to ever return.
Devin Townsend announced in early 2009 that a new project would come to light that year. As a matter of fact, he said that he was releasing 100 different albums, none of them being in any way a METAL album. One of the albums, entitled Kiwi, is an ambient album that illustrates in music the epic battle between his 300 different personalities and all of his fans. The album Digestion of the Cheeseburger I Ate Last Night is an audio recording of him constipated on the toilet. It is the heaviest album he has released since SWL's The New Nigger. The album Addiction is in no way about his addiction to drugs, alcohol, and pornography, but his addiction to overproducing his albums as he's done in the past.
Last week, Devin announced to the world that he's going to transplant his infamous skullet onto Ziltoid and have him continue Strapping Wee Lassie. Since Byron and Gene were "busy on a quest to find the tastiest, fattening burrito for Dino the Fatty" (the quest has been entitled "Fear Factory tour"), he recruited Ex-Megadeth bassist David Ellefson and Ex-Judas Priest drummer Dave "Molests a Handicapped Minor" Holland (who broke out of prison with the help of Ziltoid's Planet Smasher). David Ellefson claimed he would only join if they killed Dave Cumstaine, who ruined his life by inviting him into Megadeth only to kick him out nearly 2 decades later. They begin touring once they find a puppeteer who is right for the job.
In 2010, David Elfson made up with The Mustardstaine and rejoined Megaderp in one of the most surprising moments in metal (The first was when Metallica got signed). Devin Townsend decided that the best thing he could do is wander in the forest finding the answer to life. He eventually did, but it turned out to be a cheeseburger. Being a vegetarian, he discarded it and continued trucking.
In 2012 Devin Townsend is serving another slice of the never ending shit-pizza with a new record explaining how 'epic' clouds in the sky can be. Only a handful of SWL fans are ecstatic about this new record simply due to the fact that they're still stuck on an acid trip from the 90's. Clouds will never look the same to them.
Devin has also mentioned to fans that an all bass record may be produced in the future. Speculation is rife that this record will produce the brown note to help fans extrude cheeseburgers consumed.
Headwear[edit]
Due to his balding problem Devin has been seen sporting many a fashionable head dress. These range from a very fetching skull cap to his very own hand to a devils costume. Devin claims this is in no way related to the fact he has very little hair on top. However, we all know that this clearly is a big fat load of bollocks.
In reality, he uses it so the art pop people that listen to the D-TEG won't think he's batfuck insane. He is never seen covering up the baldness and that skullet that he used to have with Strapping, and even used it as a gimmick just like Slipknot does with their jumpsuits and shit.
Today, he can be seen as a bald 50 year old guy in his mid 30's that shaved his skillet because he wanted to hand out candy during halloween without making little kids shit theirselves and blow up as they look at Devin. He also stated it's because he wanted to look more like a father figure, but we all know it's bullshit because his son looks exactly like him and just started balding last week, forming a mini-skullet.