Dentists
Dentists are professionals who derive unusual pleasure from causing other people serious pain. They all have strange regional accents that make them incomprehensible to anyone outside Birmingham. This dialect barrier is accentuated by the fact that many dentists wear "safety" masks. These are supposed to stop the transmission of germs, but probably conceal the fact that the dentist is missing most of his teeth.
History[edit]
English dentists historically took pride in the fact that they could pull more teeth out of a person's jaw in a minute than the dentist down the road. If they had high-tech tools like a crescent wrench on their dentist's table, they became nationally renowned. In countries like America, where dentists own large houses, dentists used to be treated with disdain and contempt, especially by those of hillbilly origin. Hillbillies simply cannot see the point of letting someone else look at their tooth when Emily-Sue is perfectly capable. However, dentists owe their very existence to the hillbillies — the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky. We know this because, if invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
No dentists have ever stood out as interesting people. Nor has a dentist ever prevented nuclear war or changed the course of history (except when the great dentist in the sky invented pain)
How to spot a dentist[edit]
Dentists do not tend to leave their offices. If you do see a dentist outside his office, telephone the emergency services at once because he has probably blinded himself with the dentistry light. Dentists can only be seen once every six months. On the rare occasion that a dentist is sighted again, be warned that sharp pain is coming your way. Even if nothing is wrong with your teeth, expect to lose a couple of incisors, and maybe a premolar if the dentist is in a bad mood.
Procedures[edit]
| What the dentist says he's doing | What he's actually doing |
|---|---|
| I'm giving you a local anaesthetic so you don't feel anything | I'm numbing your mouth so you can't answer back anymore |
| I'm drilling into your tooth and putting the filling in | I'm making an artificial cavity in your tooth and pouring hot lead down the hole |
| I'm cleaning your teeth with this instrument | I'm using a tool sharper than a needle to make the same noise you get when you run your fingers down the blackboard |
| I'm putting this gel in your mouth to make a cast of your teeth | I'm shoving some stuff that looks and tastes like plastacine on your teeth to watch you grimace |
| I'm seeing the way your teeth are aligned using this wax | I'm using wax to leave a bad taste on your mouth. Then I'm lighting it to burn your gums |
How to enjoy a dental appointment[edit]
- Try and make anyone who's visiting with you laugh while they're in the chair. This plan may backfire, so use with caution.
- Ask stupid questions to confuse the dentist.
- Use technical language when he talks down to you.
- Nod when he makes a point.
Religion[edit]
All dentists unquestionably worship Klaaaaaaaaaaaaktos the inedible, a fierce and almighty diety, who is also known to work part time at Subway; as a prostitute, also known for his oversized teeth that is the most whitest thing in existance, only narrowly beating the White Ranger.
The second high priest, (Saruman naturally being the first), of Klaaaaaaaktos the Inedible is Gil Babits the Stove.
The church of Dentistry follows 37 unquestioned beliefs. Some of these are:
- Insurance, sharks are angels, the tooth fairy is Satan.
- Always move abruptly, especially when your son is Willy Wonka
- There is no such thing as a soy latte
- All must worship Klaaaaaaaktos
- If a mistake happens, punch him in the mouth, he can't sue if he's got a broken jaw
- All must worship Klaaaaaaaktos
- Toothbrushes mean less money, thus destroy any and all you see
- The trix rabbit, toucan sam, the weird coco pops monkey, count chocula and the M&M's are evil, yet bring you more money. Ironic in a way
- Saruman is Klaaaaaaktos' representative/love child
- Dental Plan! Lisa needs braces!
- Amy Winehouse is not welcome here
- 37 beliefs are too much, why oh why do we need this many?
- Don't eat the yellow teeth or the snow, I pissed on them
- If you ask for change and smell like alcohol and urine, you are not a dentist (in some cases)