Dungeon Master

“As you enter the tomb, you hear the rustling of bones and the foul stench of decay...”

~ Dungeon Master

“It wasn't me I swear!”

~ Chili loving Dwarf

All You Really Need To Know

Basically, this is all you need to know. There are two situations.

1. You're playing an RPG such as Dungeons and Dragons: In this scenario the DM is Your Lord and Savior, he is your God the only God and all things shall be passed through him. Worship him appropriately.
2. You're not playing an RPG such as Dungeons and Dragons: The DM is just some nerdy little fuck, like you, feel free to act towards him as you normally would. Though, do keep in mind, if you intend on playing with him later he may bear a grudge or not, as is his wont.

History

Early years

Most every historian agrees that the role of the Dungeon Master (DM) was created at the fifth ever Dungeons and Dragons gaming session. The need for this position was voted on in a parliamentary election with the intention of nominating someone who had the authority to nominate someone else to fetch the potato chips from the next room. Previously, the gamers had been without food, a problem attributed to none of them being able to figure out how the role initiative that would apply to real life.

The first DM, Scott Ryan, was elected randomly, by rolling a d20.

After becoming the first ever DM to be elected, Mr. Ryan became the first DM ever to abuse his/her power, when, after the poor sap he designated to get chips brought him Cheetos instead, he used his infinite power to call forth a flaming meteorite from Heaven to crush the insolent player.

Since Mr. Ryan's times, the tradition of the DM has continued, resulting in untold scores of mostly adolescent males who believe that being able to unleash an imaginary monster on the imaginary characters of usually non-imaginary "friends," gives them absolute power to do anything they wish.

Please Note: A new law issued by the FDA states that in order to gain the title of DM, you must be sterile.

DM Wars

The absolute power of the DM, once established, was not soon forgotten. In 1938, a DM known only as "Mack" started the First DM war.

DM War I

Fresh of the success of DMing a well played campaign, Mack thirsted for power. Using a level 22 charm spell, he possessed the mind of a young German sporting a hideous mustache. Then, using this German, unto who Mack bestowed the power of magic missile Mack proceeded to overthrow most of Europe and capture a large chunk of the world. Unfortunately for all involved, the German possessed a Chaotic Evil alignment, and made some decisions generally regarded as "bad moves." His power was thusly lost, but not without ushering in a wave of new world powers, like the USA and the USSR. This, in turn, brought about the

DM War II

Mad with power, a new DM, Michael Donavan, created a level 17 half-fiend named Nikita Khrushchev. This horrendous monster created a large stockpile of weapons know as Uber-Magic Missiles with which he challenged the US.

The conflict came to a head when, at the UN, Khrushchev tried to kill the security council with his shoe. Unfortunately, the capitalist swine caught a luck break; Khrushchev rolled a natural one on his attack roll, and missed the security council entirely, striking the table instead. The American president John F. Kennedy, defeated Khrushchev easily with a DC 32 diplomacy check.

At this point, Donovan abandoned his creation, and the USSR collapsed shortly thereafter.

DM War III

DM War III continues at this moment. The chief players are George W Bush, a level 2 paladin/monk combo, and Dick Cheney, an uncountably high-level rogue who carries around the legacy weapon known as Shotgun. Bush claims to follow the whims of a DM known only as "God" and, apparently in order to "level up" attacks such malicious monsters as gay marriage and flag burning. Other than that, the exact nature of their campaign is unknown.

Present

The Roles of the DM

• Setting a time and place for "gaming sessions"
  • Good places include: classrooms, libraries, homes, etc.
  • Bad places include: Church, funeral homes, Mount Doom, etc.
• Creating a game
  • Creating a game literally means "pulling a plotline out of your ass without letting the players know," and is about as hard as taking a shit after drinking a gallon of prune juice.
• Mediating disputes
  • Player-Player disputes

example: Player one: "He can't kill my kitty-cat familiar, he's Neutral Good!

Player two: "Sure I can, your cat killed a mouse making it Chaotic Evil, I have to kill it."

DM: "The dead cat transforms into a level 5000 barbarian and kills both of you, now get me some Funions if you expect a cleric to revive you any time soon!"

• • Player-DM disputes

example: Player: "why can't my magic missile hit the planar being?"

DM: "Because force attacks only work in the plane they were created in"

Player: "Well, can I target myself instead."

DM: "I guess so."

Player: "Can I get health from it instead of damage?"

DM: "No."

Player: "Why not?"

DM: "A meteor falls out of the sky and kills you instantly."

Player: "Did you roll dice for damage?"

DM: "I did it in my head."

Player: "You can't do that, you have to roll real di--"

DM: "Shut the fuck up and play the goddam game for chrissake!"

• • • DM-DM disputes

-Only applies to schizophrenic DMs