Magic missile

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Magic Missile - Evocation [Force]
Former president George W. Bush wielding a magic missile to incite applause.
Level Upper Lobby
Components 7 thaums Magic
1 Missile, whole
1 teaspoon Salt
Casting Time Two seconds at 100°C
Range 10 squares or 9 hexagons
Targets The darkness
Duration 0.0002 fortnights
Saving Throw None
Spell Resistance R-e-s-i-s-t-a-n-c-e.

Magic missile, known the world over as the holy grail of all that is magic and missile, is an ancient magical/tactical/strategetic weapon used commonly in the past by wizards, sorcerers, prostitutes, politicians (ie. George Bush), popes and other terrorists and any variation of mage therein. It is often labelled as a weapon of mass destruction, but its possession is sanctioned by the UN.


Discovered in 1901 by Pierre Curie around the same time he and his wife, Marie Curie, tested the effects of radium. They discovered that when exposed to high levels of radiation, humans would lose the ability to think while gaining the ability to manipulate the fabric of the universe into destructive, magical patterns. Over the next five years, he began to develop the science into an artform, and eventually went on a rampage through France until his demise. While he is commonly cited as having been killed in a street accident on April 19, 1906, the circumstances are often debated. Experts suggest that a battle ensued between he and Gandalf, as Pierre had become drunk with power and issued a challenge to anyone willing. Some suspect magic missile may have played a role in his demise, but most support the claim that Pierre was so impaired by his power-drunkenness that he could not see the runaway horse and buggy headed his way. Marie Curie never forgot the loss of her husband and, refusing to ever again meddle with something so dangerous, stuck to toying with radioactive elements.

In 1939, Hitler cloned Marie Curie (see cloning) and forced her to give him the knowledge of magic missile. Upon her refusal to divulge such information, Hitler resorted to an archeological excavation in Africa, unearthing many ancient tomes related to the supernatural ability (see Dungeons and Dragons). Steven Spielberg nixed the use of magic missile during his filming of World War II and to this day Hitler blames the loss of the war on this move.

After 1945, a race began between proponents of nuclear energy and magic missile. Given that magic missile was a renewable resource, requiring only a few inches of thread and sweaty palms to emulate, while nuclear energy was an inherently dangerous supplier of energy, it was thought best that magic missile be retired. This decision is credited with the creation of the X-Men, Spiderman, and Bob Dole.

In 1989, the it was rediscovered by the Chinese government in Tian An Men square with horrible results. The Chinese have led a strict campaign to silence all those who seek to learn of what happened on that day, for fear that the discovery may be remade and more innocent civilians will die.

In the year 2000 American election, George Bush threatened the Florida Supreme Court with magic missile and was later inaugurated.

Also used by many mages to enrage their warrior companions by stealing their kills.