Corporate Takeover
A takeover in business refers to one company purchasing another. The term properly refers to the acquisition of a really big company by another really big company so that it can become a supermegabigcompany.
Friendly and Hostile Takeovers[edit]
When a business owner decides that they will benefit greatly from screwing over another business they will make a phone call to said business and they will usually inform the board of how much money they have in their bank account. If the board determines that they have more money in their bank accounts, they will call up the business owner and laugh at them. They will then proceed to tell all of that business owner's shareholders what a ninny he or she is. If, however, they do not have as much money in their bank accounts, they must then discover how much money their shareholders will agree to part with. If this amount of money is still not enough, they will call back the business owner and cry. If they do not cry then the bid will become hostile. Hostile bids are a dreadful indelicate business and frequently invoke massive amounts of spam from the threatened Board.
The shareholders and the board in most private companies are likely to either be assholes or parties closely connected to assholes. Therefore all private acquisitions are likely to be difficult, because if the assholes have agreed to sell the company, then the board will usually bend over backward to comply with the commands of the assholes.
Reverse takeovers[edit]
- A reverse takeover is a type of takeover where a public company acquires a private company by altering that company's logo slowly and over time until it is identical to the logo of the public company. This is usually done in many stages, often taking years. A company engaging in a reverse takeover must be certain that they will be the only company altering the logo, or risk such embarrassments as the logo for Nike.
Financing a takeover[edit]
Cash & Marijuana[edit]
A company acquiring another will frequently pay for the other company with cash or, if cash is not available, marijuana. This aromatic herb can be grown by most companies in the basements of their office buildings. The company may have sufficient marijuana available in its stash to smoke out the other companies at Wall Street, but this is unlikely. More often the company will hoard its marijuana and use the cash that it borrowed from a bank to purchase more marijuana.ygdrdyrdyhrdtydyrrdhrd
Takeover mechanics[edit]
Takeover Code of Honor[edit]
Takeovers in the business world (excepting acquisitions of marijuana) are governed by the Takeover Code of Honor. The Code is theorized to be a set of rules that was handed down by God to the the CEOs of the Fortune 500 companies. However, as God continuously refused to reveal the nuances of the Code, it was regarded as increasingly nominal. In 1969 the Code was sent into outer space where it could be preserved for future generations. It was then stolen by the Martians, which created a new religion known as Praying to re-receive the stolen Takeover Code of Honor back from the martians-ism. The name was later changed to Obesitanity.
The Code requires that all shareholders in a company should be administered drug tests and regulates when and what information drug-using shareholders are allowed access to.
The Unbreakable Rules Concerning the Substantial Acquisition of Stuff[edit]
The Unbreakable Rules Concerning the Substantial Acquisition of Stuff, which provided an endless quagmire for the judicial system due to its frequent confusion with The Unbreakable Rules Concerning the Appropriate Allocation of Stuff, have not been seen since last Tuesday.
Pros and cons of takeover[edit]
Pros and cons of a takeover differ from case to case but still there are a few general ones worth mentioning.
Pros:[edit]
- Increase in consumer depression
- Advanced placement in college courses
- Profitability of demoralizing societies
- Increased market share
Cons:[edit]
- Reduced competition and choice for consumers without eyes
- Likelihood of worse haircuts
- More immigrants gaining fluency
- Hidden reasons
Occurrence[edit]
Corporate takeovers occur readily in the United States, the Taiwan and the South Africa. They happen only occasionally in the China because the Mao Tse Tung has left the special legacy. They do not happen often in Maui because of the popularity of surf boards and surf culture. Mars has also seen few corporate takeovers, perhaps due to the limited ability of businesses to send rockets there.