Church of Saint Jobs and the Holy Apples

Saint Jobs and his believers.

The Church of the facts of Saint Jobs and the Holy Apples is a religious organization founded by Steve Jobs. It promotes the adoration and unconditional glorification to the divinity (Steve), his company (Apple Computer), the Macintosh computers (manufactured by Apple) and software of these computers. The followers believers of this sect religion are usually called Mcquers, or also Mcfans, Mcadddicts...

The believers

Like other sects religions, there are diverse fanaticism implication grades in their followers. In softer cases, they simply use nicks containing “Mac” or “Mc” like “Macarena”, “Macabre” “Mc Coy” “Mc Burger with French Fries and Cola Drink”. Or they use an apple photo or other Apple related photo... But in the most extreme cases, they even tattoo themselves their church logo!

Dogmas

How an Apple fan really looks like.

As any respected church, it has unbreakable dogmas, which, of course changes over time.

Some of them are:

Hate section

• You will hate Bill Gates (excepting when he bought actions to save the company).

• You will hate the PCs (excepting when we knew about the platform change). The McIntel's aren't exactly PCs.

• You will hate Intel, AMD and their slow crap. Now we have Apple M1.

• You will hate IBM who invented the bloody PC. IBM designed for Apple the amazing G5 processor. IBM is great!

• Hate Windows, unless using Boot Camp or VirtualBox.

• You will hate the x86 platform, is slow and outdated. But the x86 platform reinvented by Apple was very good.

• You will hate Windows and Android users, they are a bunch of losers.

• You will hate Android because is much better is just an iOS cheap ripoff (even if in iOS 5 they copied Android's notifications and in iOS 7 they copied the quick settings, multitasking, the Chrome's tab selector, the music player, the messaging app, the fonts and even the blue balls wallpaper and in iOS 14 they copied the notifications, app screen, widgets, translator, do not disturb mode, the ability to watch videos in floating windows and instant apps).

• You will hate Samsung because they are a bunch of thieves (the fact that they release new things before us has nothing to do with this).

• You will hate Xiaomi users because besides being a bunch of losers they are backstabbers and Chinese Communism's puppets.

• You will hate Fortnite because besides being a business of spoiled children it sells information to China and that's why we banned it.

• You will hate PC, Android, PlayStation and Xbox gamers, because they are a bunch of loser geeks.

• You will hate Spotify because it came before is full of junk music. Also hate the regular TV and Netflix full of crap (now with Apple TV+ to replace them).

• You will hate Adobe because its Flash has ruined the Web (even if in the beginning they helped us in some things).

• You will ignore pagan gods like Tux, BSD Devil (doesn't matter if MacOS and iOS come from it), Mrs. Puff, the QNX fruit neither The God of the Sun. The only God is Steve Jobs and Tim Cook is his prophet.

Love section

• You will love any slogan and philosophy portrayed by Apple Marketing.

• You will consider the decision of discarding the charger and earbuds from the iPhone package as a measure to save the environment.

• You will consider the homosexuality declaration by Tim Cook as a revolution of the sex diversity acceptance. It doesn't matter if other companies accepted gay and lesbian workers since a long time before the declaration.

Obligations

The young Steve Jobs showing the Holy Apple of which presumably Bill Gates, Google, Samsung, Huawei and Xiaomi stole a piece (symbolically makes sense).

• Buy an iPhone. It doesn't matter if it is old or doesn't work.

• Use it.

• Despise the old versions of iOS and praise the latest one, even if your iPhone cannot use it or doesn't work.

• Evangelize 24/7. The more unbelievers you convert, the more near of salvation you will are.

• Set the Apple website as a homepage.

• Read MacWorld, don't visit Android neither PC websites. The devil is stalking!

• Attend Apple events.

• Go, at least once in life, to see Apple in Cupertino. Attending the Apple stores inaugurations also adds points.

• Register in a Mac forum, but not any, some are heretic.

• Always carry an Apple distinctive like a pin, a bag, an iPhone (even if you had to sell your mom, sister or female cousin to buy one) or if you are so daring, a tattoo in the forehead.

The iGod.

Economy

This church bases its economy in software, computer sales and tithe of followers. Some people says that iPods are the main money source for Apple, but this is only a rumor. Everyone knows that Apple made a deal with the recording company Apple (Beatles) in which Apple commits to not enter in the musical market, at least until inventing the iPod.

The church also have other ways of getting revenue. One of them is the sale of accesories, "aids" for the religious practice. The sect makes cables, speakers, adapters for home and the road, keyboards, mice, AirPods, luxurious docks, HDMI cables, HomePods, Apple Watch belts, Apple Pencils, AirStations, Apple TV's, iPhone cases and lots more.

It also have the App Store to manage the apps and do not forget the iTunes and its new brother Apple Music. Also has training courses for Genius Bar workers. The base storage of iCloud is 5GB an can be expanded with a monthly fee. It also has Apple News+ for news and to replace Internet, Apple Arcade for videogames, Apple TV for pay TV (and it's plus section for exclusive content) and proving that they don't care if they go too far also released the Apple Card. Not counting the music and the card, everything is sold at very high prices.

Is criticized, and with reason, of being an elitist church, and it must be. Since a lot of money is needed to buy an iPhone, and lots more to allow Tim Cook and his people to live like kings. Definitely we can say that the Church of Saint Jobs and the Holy Apples is a highbow sect, a sect for the higher classes with Apple Stores where rarely they would have to get along with the Windows and Android scum.

How is the people deceived into spending in outdated and overpriced technology? Everything is coldly calculated. A happily lit and sterile ambience joined with the sounds of Indie Rock and "highbrow" Pop music to give a relaxing sofistication feeling, adding the suggestive odor of new plastic, and the marketing slogans repeated to the point of nausea (Or boredom), and the devoted is ready to be brainwashed by the sellers and retail workers. And after that, he or she will finish satisfying their consumerists drives by buying speakers, cases, belts, the keyboard, the mouse, hiring iCloud extra storage, getting Apple Music together with other things with the fancy and sacred logo of the half bitten apple, and with the not lesser innocent and refined name of the product written in a highbrow designer font. This is not more and not less the Church of Saint Jobs and The Holy Apples, the religion of the best of our society where the digital glory costs money (well, more than usual).

Holy McBrotherhood

The young Steve Jobs showing the Holy Apple of which presumably Bill Gates stole a piece (symbolically makes sense).

The usual followers of the Church of Saint Jobs group themselves in forums, groups, social networking... But the most dangerous group inside this religion is the secret society of the Holy McBrotherhood.

The applicants must pass the hard initial tests (Purity Soul Tests), in which the applicant must answer correctly questions about Windows and PCs, about veils and Very High Mccomputer jargon. Whose doesn't approve this test are sacrificed and burned together with PC and Android stores. Whose pass the tests receive an intensive indoctrination, during which they are forced to carry an iPhone with Steve Jobs conferences, during 72 hours running. Then, they have to approve other test, the Minimalism Test, in which they must distinguish Apple designs along the history from the competition. Other test part is saying in 20 seconds at least two hundred movies in whose Macintosh and the iPhone appears.

The brothers of the Holy McBrotherhood persecute PC and Android users to whose they want to redeem by the fire (Minimalist Purity Flame). If the brothers cannot redeem them, usually kills them. Other activities are the burning of computer and smartphone stores where doesn't sell Apple computers neither iPhones. In some cases even PC and Android only stores.

This brotherhood is strongly feared, specially when a Tim Cook Keynote is near. In these moments these tech hooligans unbridles their fierce destructive euphoria, creating security problems.

Is believed that like Opus Dei, the H.M.B. Manages much of the church's way, marking the hard line, usually reflected in Apple's marketing.

Life After Steve

The immortal Steve officially died in 2011. He promised to come back when a Mac didn't crash. Steve was succeeded as the Pontificate of the Church of Saint Jobs and the Holy Apples by Tim Cook. Tim changed his name to Tim Apple.

Enjoy your digital salvation

• The Church's website.
• Why choose the salvation?
• The believers.
• The masses.
• Iphone
• Apple Inc.