Charlie Sheen

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Charlie Sheen.

The picture says a thousand words. But you can easily read the only one that matters.

“WINNING!”
~ Charlie Harper on Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen (born September 13, 1965) is a multi-award-WINNING American actor, lover, entrepreneur, and Goddess wrangler. His extraordinary bitchin' talents are the product of a mind that is special and is not of this realm. Only one man could handle having the brain of Charlie Sheen, and that man is Charlie Sheen. For anyone else, it would just cause them to implode without tiger blood in their veins from the DNA of Vatican assassins. For his ability to be Charlie Sheen! without imploding, Sheen was the highest-paid actor in television since time began, which means he can afford lots of ~~drugs~~ WINNING!

CAREER

Baseball, and kittens. WINNING!

Sheen began acting in 1974, appearing alongside his father in the TV movie The Execution of Private Slovik. His uncredited portrayal of Kid at Wedding has been variously described as bitchin' and radical. Since then, he appeared in just about every movie worth watching ever, even ones that went straight to video. In 1986, he starred in the Vietnam War film Platoon. For this role, Sheen made Platoon win the Oscar for Best Picture. He again, with his warlock powers, created another win for another Oscar the following year, when Michael Douglas won the Best Actor award for his part alongside Sheen in Wall Street. And the most amazing thing is that Charlie Sheen wasn't even close to WINNING yet.

In 2003, Charlie Sheen met an alcoholic, douchebag Hollywood TV writer-producer "named" Chuck Lorre in a bar. Lorre is known to slander, libel, backstab, and financially bankrupt every Hollywood star he's had on his sitcoms when those shows are not WINNING. After banging a seven-gram rock, Charlie got talking to Haim ~~BECAUSE THAT'S HIS REAL NAME!~~ Haim told him about some shitty little sitcom that he was writing. Sheen was very interested, because he spotted a smoking hot porn star over Haim's shoulder that "Chuck" would never be WINNING.

Sheen agreed to star in the guy's sitcom. That sitcom turned out to be Two and a Half Men, a show barely worth the pinkie toe of Seinfeld, but with Charlie Sheen, became the Mecca of WINNING. In his groundbreaking role of Charlie, a hard-drinking, womanizing WINNER, Sheen took the art of sitcom acting to new heights. For turning Haim's turd into the greatest sitcom in the United States for, like, ever, Charlie Sheen got paid 2 million dollars an episode. And he banged that porn star (because Haim was not filled with Adonis DNA). WINNING!!!!!!

FAMILY LIFE

Even in his youth Charlie was completely clean.

Charlie Sheen is very much a family man. He has three families, which is more than most people. Unlike others, Sheen doesn't hang around with his relationships. He has one speed: Go!

He married his first wife after six weeks and divorced after six months. His second marriage lasted three years and he got two, TWO, kids. Soon, Charlie Sheen married his third wife. With her he had twin boys and another divorce. His three wives couldn't handle the epic ride of living with Charlie Sheen. They weren't prepared to be married to a total bitching rock star from Mars ~~There were also the assaults. And that time he shot one of them~~ because unlike Mother Hubbard Haim, Charlie was obviously WINNING!

When you include his kid from a high school girlfriend, Sheen has five children. Each of them have inherited his Adonis DNA and tiger blood. For this he loves them and he makes sure that they are a part of his life, which is more than what you mere mortals are capable of accepting and handling every fucking day.

A big part of Sheen's life involves banging porn stars ~~and then trashing his hotel room while they hide naked in a closet~~. When Charlie Sheen ~~is keen to involve his children in this and ensures they get an adjacent room.~~ is armed like a Vatican assassin, he protects his kids from the public eye when Charlie's porn goddesses attempt something batshit insane. WINNING!

One day, Charlie Sheen's children will look back on their dad's legacy and think "Wow he was a rock star." They will learn from his experiences, from his wisdom and his bitchin'ness.

COCAINE AND CHARLIE SHEEN

Now on shelves.

Sheen was once known to put cocaine on everything... his cereal, pop tarts, beer, and his cocaine. Some people thought that this somehow constituted a "problem":

“Oh! Charlie Sheen takes so many drugs! He's such an addict and he's going to kill himself one day! Oh no!!”

~ Hollywood TV tabloid reporter princesses on Charlie Sheen and his cocaine

Big fucking deal, tabloid reporter princesses! Charlie Sheen is never going to die from drugs. He's far too clever for that. Industrial levels of dangerous narcotics can only kill you if you take them in a foolish or unthinking manner. Charlie Sheen always knows exactly what he is doing. And that is WINNING, folks.

These days, Charlie lives a cocaine-free existence. Take his blood and check. Charlie Sheen got bored of cocaine. He cured himself of his addiction. By blinking, Charlie Sheen has cured his mind. He said he wasn't an addict any more and it was so.

Charlie Sheen's new addiction is Charlie Sheen. Much like his incredible brain, only Charlie Sheen can handle Charlie Sheen. Anyone else who takes Charlie Sheen will die. The effects of Charlie Sheen seem to mainly comprise of losing your job, having your children taken away from you, and making a public fool of yourself on television, BUT you do get to bang two hot chicks at once like Hugh Hefner. WINNING!!!!!

The US government and Charlie Sheen. Only one speaks the truth. Who can YOU trust?!

OPINIONS ON 9/11

In an uncertain, post 9/11 world, it is reassuring to know that there is a man with the clarity of thought, with the strength of will and with the poetry at his fingertips to tell the truth as he sees it. When Sheen speaks, the public listens. On March 20, 2006, Sheen revealed during an interview with notorious shock-jock Howard Stern that he disputes the 9/11 Commission Report. From his exhaustive research, Sheen concluded that not only did the U.S. Government have prior knowledge that the attacks were going to take place, but that they failed to act in time to prevent infiltrators from the New World Order carrying out their sinister plot to beautify New York City. The U.S Government was "So not-winning".

Sheen stated during the interviews, "I had a feeling, more powerful than any feeling I've ever tasted in my entire life... and then when the buildings came down later on that day I said to my brother, 'Oh man, I am SO fucking high right now!...and I'm WINNING!!!!!'"

In 2011, Sheen launched a speaking tour entitled "My Violent Torpedo of Truth". Tickets sold out in minutes, because people who honor the work of Vatican assassins appreciate his wisdom. Sheen seems poised to become the new Al Gore except with more WINNING!!!!!!

SCREW YOU!!!!!!!!

Being such an internationally celebrated man of glamour and mystery, Sheen has naturally been linked with many politicians, actors, musicians, pornstars and crackheads over the years. Of course, anybody who tries to discredit him for any of his so-called indiscretions is merely talking smack, because they're jealous of how awesome he is. They can laugh all they want at him losing his job. They can talk all they want about how "troubled" he is. Heck, they can even put Mila Kunis up on a pedestal for saying that the idea of being Charlie Sheen's Goddess "grossed her out."

But there's one thing they can never change. And that thing is...Charlie Sheen was, is, and will always be WINNING!!!!

Selected Filmography