Case Western Reserve University
Case Western Reserve University, the Art School Formerly Known as Prince-ton, is the world-renowned site of an early Nazi Concentration Camp in Northern America. It was used repeatedly as a testing ground for psychological warfare, particularly to develop means to make one's enemy commit mass suicide. Case is well-known for its ties to military institutions. In the years since its establishment as an important center for Nazi Behavior Modification, it has become an institution of higher learning; however, its reputation of suffering and general oven-baking has fortunately continued to the present day.
Early history[edit]
Case Western began as an amalgamation of several different organizations. At the time of federation in 1892, Case Institute had only two parent entities: the Rascal House brothel and the Western Military Reservist Base. By 1894, the world-renowned producer of Techno-Trousers, Mathers and Co, had also joined. Mathers and Co was famous for its use of female sex slaves in sweatshop labor. This particular action is shrouded in controversy, as it is widely accepted that the only purpose of the merger was to join the Rascal House Brothel with the largest source of sex workers outside of Holland in an effort to monopolize the high demand for prostitutes (see also: bitches and hoes) in the nearby suburb of Shaker Heights. This, however, was entirely irrelevant two years later when Rascal House began outsourcing to various third-world countries, most notably Canada.
The Thot Plickens[edit]
As Case Western began to take shape, it was apparent that the University needed a single, unifying leader. This leader appeared in the form of Adolf Hitler. Some say that "Uncle Adolf" was attracted to the school because of its history of tough academics, but it has since been proven that Adolf was merely seeking out his niece (Satan's granddaughter) to contribute to cure his fixation with oral sex. Adolf was also obviously attracted to the presence of many younger men women, particularly those deformed by hard work in the brothel/sweatshop. Adolf quickly noticed that the male students were having problems concentrating, and despite outcries of an ADD-endemic, Uncle Adolf decided to reform the school into a Concentration Camp. The immediate result of this highly-acclaimed decision was that everyone became highly intellectual and work in the sweatshop ceased altogether. Please note that despite this trend, work in the brothel continued at an accelerated pace.
Life in Case Concentration Camp[edit]
Adolf's experiment at Case was immediately seen as a success, as students adopted "the thinker" as their resting positions and sat around all day concentrating on one thing. This is not to say that they were thinking of anything productive - in fact, quite the opposite was true. Demographically speaking,
- 21% of males were concentrating on mental images of better-looking women
- 24% of males were thinking about getting laid
- 137% of males were mentally playing Halo
- 100% of females were thinking nothing at all (but were still unattractive)
The unforeseen side effect of all this concentrating and thinking was that nobody really did anything except sit around and get fat. Fat people are universally regarded as the unhappiest people alive (indeed, some dead people are happier than the fat bastards that attended Case in the Adolf years), and the women were so disgusting that the men would puke at the very thought of sex, which increased the general feeling of gloom in the atmosphere at Camp Case. The despair and drivellry eventually became so terrible that on August 20, 1940, 300 Spartans students committed mass suicide in the Jonestown style by eating the diseased food offered at Leutner Commons. At this point, the situation was too despicable to ignore, and Uncle Adolf was notified of the oversight.
Growth of Research and Spas[edit]
When Uncle Adolf came back to examine the conditions at Case, he immediately saw the potential of such a desperate atmosphere. Adolf realized that Case was not up to par with the holiday atmosphere of the other Camps and instituted free spas and cocaine. He then tasked the students and staff who had recently overcome their inability to focus with the arduous labor of determining exactly what had caused their peers to poison themselves. Hitler's eventual goal was for his minions to weaponize this process, and the newly-fanatical researchers at Adolf's favorite vacation spot (Camp Case, of course) aptly supplied the slave labor needed to complete this difficult task. It was for this particular reason that Case remained the least leisurely of Adolf's Concentration Camps, despite the dear Uncle's recent efforts to improve the quality of life at Case. As Case became more and more productive, Hitler became more and more involved in Canadian pedophilia, since he was "less than impressed" by the sexual offerings during his frequent visits to Case.
Uncle Adolf's Death and Legacy[edit]
After a particularly lengthy trip to Case and a subsequent rendezvous in Canada, Uncle Adolf returned to Germany to discover that his empire was in ruins and that, more importantly, his gas bill had grown exponentially, and subsequently and unceremoniously offed himself.
Uncle Adolf's legacy lived on, however. His spas and cocaine continue to flow freely, although these have since been improved. After scientists at Case discovered that radioactive radon water baths made Case's aging researchers feel young and perky again, the blue-colored fountain water spas were replaced with geothermal radon ones.
Modern-Day Case Western[edit]
As Case grew in international acclaim, the previously-condemned concentration facilities built by Adolf were slowly converted to dormitories on the south side of campus, and were then un-condemned by the University, entirely circumventing any involvement or oversight by the Cleveland Department of Public Safety. This "renovation" also ignored every conceivable codebook that Cleveland had to offer, but that was fine by the city because the University was again getting crowded and the food on the south side was less toxic than that of the northern rat poison supplier dining hall, Leutner.
22 years after Uncle Adolf's unfortunate demise, the radon in the spa water finally began to take its effect. The old felt younger, the women looked better, and suicide rates slowly started to decline. The radon spilling into the atmosphere did have the unfortunate effect that Cleveland was tossed into a perpetual state of Nuclear Winter, but this was a small price to pay for better-looking girls. Meanwhile, cocaine and crack cocaine use had kept the student retention rate well above 90%.
Side Effects of Cocaine Use on Campus[edit]
There were many documented effects of such heavy cocaine use at Case Western, not the least of which led every female student to believe she looked like the Hilton sisters. Another unfortunate effect was that many single men on campus also thought the women looked like Marissa Miller, which prompted the Women's Center to hand out free tape measures along with the usual free condoms at new student orientation. Other side effects included:
- Totally baked-out architecture. The buildings at Case began to take on very... distinct forms due to the massive consumption on the part of their architects. Note the two images at right.
- Everyone on campus started to think that the Case sports teams were Division I Champions. This was previously an unexplained phenomenon, but the absolute absurdity of this thought has led Case researchers to blame overuse of drugs. The one notable exception to this was the Case men's soccer team, which really was a Division I Champion, despite Case's standing as a Division III school. An interesting side effect of this side effect was that Case students stopped playing Halo to go to football games, where the team would inevitably lose, which the students would inevitably forget by the next day in a drugged haze. An interesting side effect of this interesting side effect of this side effect was that the school mascot became a Spartan. As an interesting side effect to this interesting side effect of another interesting side effect of the original side effect, the Women's Center was forced to stop handing out free Trojans because it subtracted from the already-lacking school spirit. As a side effect to this interesting side effect of another interesting side effect of another interesting side effect of the original side effect, the two Case students who were still having sex were forced to stop getting it on for fear of mutant babies. As an interesting effect of thi...
- Dancing chalkboards. For some odd reason, a number of students who attended a lecture in the Schmitt Auditorium believe they saw chalkboards dance. This conspiracy has gone so far that a student doctored a video of said dancing chalkboards and placed it on YouTube.
- A general obsession with phallic symbols. A large number of obelisks and other penis-shaped objects appeared on campus, including a snow penis and a hand masturbating phallic architecture.
Cult[edit]
The unfortunate obsession with the school's mascot, the Spartan, created a cult of naked good-looking-ness, which remarkably included only 3 members of the Case Western student body. The rest were too skinny, flat-chested, ugly-faced, off-balanced, bobble-headed, bald, moustached, awkward, sexually-repressed, frightening, whoreish, mentally unstable, and / or phallically-challenged. This cult caused even deeper depression as people realized how few doorways they could still fit through, as well as widespread confusion due to the drug-induced hallucinations of appealing "bodies". This cult also extended to the intramural teams, which began chanting and stripping routinely.
Sharing the Vision[edit]
Case spent much of the 1990s "Sharing the Vision" with their students, whatever that meant. Many professors tried sharing their personal visions with their teaching assistants, usually by dropping their pants.
Phantom Pooper[edit]
From 1976 through 1999, numerous phantom poops appeared in the Computer Engineering Department. In 1999, the Phantom Pooper of the Computer Engineering Department was finally captured. The identity of the Phantom Pooper was revealed to be none other than the Case Spartan himself, who was discovered with such thoroughly soiled (Under)Armor that a Hazmat team was needed to contain him. He completed his jail sentence in 2006, and it is reported that his asshole was unscathed.
Logo Controversy[edit]
There has been much controversy recently at Case Western regarding a logo change. Case's previous logo, a two-tone emblem of a fat surfer, has been replaced by a new, more "forward looking" logo. Although the new logo originally left many students perplexed, their looks of mild constipation were relieved when they discovered it was nothing more than a dramatic depiction of explosive diarrhea.
While some Case students sympathized with the fat surfer because of his representation of the rejected surfer class, the school's administration felt that the logo placed too much emphasis on the school's past as a "fat and sad" university. Thus, the logo was replaced with a shitburst, which emphasized the university's new focus on drug addiction and general ass-itude.
